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The Best Of the Worst: Bad Movies to Love

Updated on March 25, 2010

Blood Freak review


 

“My friends, can your heart stand the shocking facts about turkey-headed druggie bikers”? Only a Criswell (mis)quote can begin our review of the LSD trip that is Blood Freak because it is pure Ed Wood.

The trailer park sets, wooden acting, ludicrous dialogue, ham-handed special effects, drunkenly choppy editing and lost plot lines echo Ed at his finest.

The set design is quality indeed with a Naugahyde recliner, leopard beanbag and velvet painting; love the Rembrandt print that adds so much class!

Our story begins when good looking but naïve biker Herschel (looking like a cross between late period Elvis and early George Clooney) ventures into a den of iniquity ( or at least hairiness) where he immediately gets hooked on pot.

A ditsy hippie chick becomes his old lady but he needs to score some bread so he volunteers to be a guinea pig and chow down on some experimental turkeys at a nearby farm (well wouldn’t you??)

 Too bad that the meat is tainted and sends our hero into convulsions. When he wakes up, he has more than a hangover; he has a head-over. From the neck up, he is all paper mache turkey and mad as hell! Turkeys are not the mild-mannered grain eaters we’ve always believed them to be; NO they have a blood lust, especially for the red stuff from young ladies. Our turkey-man goes on a rampage killing and drinking the blood of his victims.

 

Lest we take this story lightly or even laugh , a chain-smoking narrator pops up periodically to advise us against polluting our bodies with  foreign substances. If he wasn’t on the verge of coughing up a lung at any moment, his warnings might have more weight.

In the end it was all a drug-induced nightmare OR WAS IT???????

 

 

Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster Review

 

1965    aka Mars Attacks Puerto Rico

Beach movies get crossed  with Sci-fi in a crazy, mixed up, mad party for way-out groovsters!

Seems Planet Mars had an atomic war and now needs to raid Earth for women--preferably bikini-clad -- to replenish the race. Meanwhile we Earthlings are busy with our own space program. We launch a robot astronaut named Frank (get it?) toward Mars, but our rocket is shot down by the wily Martians.

Frank crashes onto Puerto Rico and get a half-melted face in the bargain.


 

The best part by far of this far-out flick are the Leaders of the Martian mob.

Bald Dr. Nadir with his Spock ears and glitter jumpsuit and the Martian Queen in Eva Gabor castoffs and an Egyptian headdress made of pipecleaners make a crazy duo.

Did I mention that Dr. Nadir has on eyeliner and a studded leather jacket? Swing on, crazy hipsters!

 

Groovy Byrds-style music and real Air Force and NASA footage add atmosphere.

The Space Monster gets short shrift --a shame as he's got Robot Monster's pelt with a case of the mange, huge claws and a creepy skull head  

Lost Missile Review

 

First of all, it’s not exactly lost. On the contrary, it pops up throughout the film, always in the same drawing,  as it “flies” through the air. What it IS doing is orbiting the earth at 4000 miles per hour but only 5 miles off the ground, burning up objects and critters below but somehow not burning up itself.

Ferret-y Robert Loggia is an obsessive nuclear scientist who is due to get married to his co-worker/girlfriend on the day the missile goes AWOL. Their brief lunchtime nuptials are interrupted by the missile’s appearance. Naturally, the brass think the Russkies sent it up so they fly into a panic and run amok, setting off red alerts and terrifying the populace.

Tons of stock footage turn this into one big ad for the Air Force and Civil Defense. Effects of the missile destroying things up in its wake are mostly out-of-focus blobs and flashes of light. “There may be no tomorrow—there may be no this afternoon!!!” intones the grammatically-challenged narrator.

Robert L tries to save the planet by blowing up the missile with his warhead but will he succeed???

It was a droning drudge that seemed to last forever despite being only 80 minutes long! If they had cut out the stock footage of fighter jets, men in safety suits handling rods of plutonium ala Homer Simpson, and footage of radar screens and dials, it would have been about 15 minutes.

A very downer ending has Ferret Man getting exposed to the plutonium ( some thugs ala the Choppers  car jack his jeep as he speeds to the rocket site and they open the box containing the real hot rod ) and yet he manages to launch the rocket right before dying. It explodes, the girlfriend screams and the film ends! We don’t even know if it worked or not or saved the earth!!

Earlier in the film his friend opines that the missile is from outer space and must not be shot down; he wants to communicate with the occupants. This potentially interesting plot thread is completely ignored.

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