The Book of Excuses - Mother-in-Law
The mother-in-law issue
Politically correct its not.
The mother-in-law issue. A recipe for disaster. When your wife is all happy and informs you that her mother is coming to spend a few weeks at your house. Oh goodie ... just what I've been dreaming of.
Now to whip out that old infamous book of excuses. We have all heard of it, but no one seems to actually have one. I aim to alleviate that problem once and for all, by writing one we can all use when we need to.
To get the mother-in-law to change her mind, we need a solid plan.
The dog has feas
There's a mouse in the house
Family cat's got an itch
Want to go on a date after my nap?
Mother-in-law stay away
The plan to get your mother-in-law to change her mind and stay home. A few excuses that may or may not work. We won't know until we try them on her. Tell her that:
1. We just found a nest of giant rats living in the wall of the guest bedroom.
2. The dog has fleas and the cat has lice and we have been keeping them locked up in the guest room.
3. Little Johnny has the flue and he has diarrhea and is puking all over the place, so he's been sleeping in the guest room.
4. Our house has been quarantined by the state board of health, no one is allowed in or out for an undisclosed amount of time.
5. Tell her that you have agreed to allow two dirty hobo's to live in the basement and they are looking forward to meeting her.
6. Little Johnny joined a heavy metal band and they practice in our basement every night until after midnight.
7. The police are searching the woods behind our house to find a crazed serial killer who kills only old ladies.
8. Little Sally's punk rock boyfriend has recently moved into the guest room and his religion bans bathing. He sleeps in the raw.
9. Our pet python has gotten loose in the guest room and we can't seem to find him, but we think he may have eaten the dog.
10. Our water pipes broke and now we have no water or heat. It may take weeks to have it fixed. Hope you don't mind using a chamber pot?
Mother-in-law shows up at the door anyway ...
If none of these work and she shows up anyway, we may try a few of these.
1. Put a solid wood door under the sheet in her bed so she can't sleep.
2. Buy 3 or 4 pet mice and release them in the guest room.
3. Put fake doggie doo under her pillow. If that doesn't faze her use the real stuff.
4. Be really drunk when she shows up at the door and then vomit on her shoes when you open it.
5. Break the pipes and cut the electric wires so there is no water or electric when she arrives. Then tell her it may take weeks to fix.
6. Buy little Johnny a drum set before she arrives and set it up the the room next to the guest room. Tell him to play it for his Grandma when she arrives.
7. Have a wild party with strippers that is in full tilt when she arrives at the door.
8. Pay the hobo who lives in a cardboard box down the street to hit on her everyday until she leaves.
9. Feed the dog a few Alka-Seltzer tablets while she is walking up the sidewalk to your door, so that when you open the door the dog is foaming at the mouth. Open the door and then run the other way shouting rabid dog ... rabid dog!
10. Ask your crazy neighbor to paint his face with war paint. Then beat on your door while shouting obscenities and shooting a semi-automatic rifle in the air.
And if she still won't leave ... ask her to lend you money.
If all of that doesn't work, you probably won't have to worry about spending time with her because your wife will kick you out of the house. What a plan!
Mom Mom wearing no make up
We love you Grand Ma
Borrowing Money from your Mother-in-law
After what you did to keep her out of your house it may be a bit of a challenge to get her to loan you any money. We need another good plan.
1. Turn off the water and electric then invite her for a visit and explain that you don't have enough money to pay the utilities. This works best if your wife and kids do not bathe for a few days and are sitting in the living room shivering.
2. Post a sign on your front door that says Sheriff's Sale so she sees it when she comes to your door.
3. Tell her your wife has been falsely arrested and is in jail because you cannot come up with the $100,000 bail. Ask your wife to go shopping before inviting the mother-in-law to your house.
4. Tell her that little Johnny needs an operation and you lost your job and insurance. Pay little Johnny to stay in bed and play sick while she is there.
5. Tell her your house burned down and you have no fire insurance. Meet her at the local McDonalds when you ask her for the money.
6. Tell her that you want to surprise your wife with an exotic vacation for your wedding anniversary and you have a new job lined up next month. Inform her that she can come along on the trip. After she loans you the money start a fight with your wife so her mother thinks the trip is cancelled and then make up with your wife and hide from her mother.
7. Tell the mother-in-law a thief broke into your house and stole all the expensive keepsakes she has given to your wife. Tell her that you don't want to upset your wife so you will secretly buy them and replace them.
8. Dig a deep trench in the back yard and tell your mother-in-law that your septic system has broken and you have no money to fix it. Until you can get the money the family has to use cold, smelly chamber pots. Place a few used and smelly chamber pots around the house for her to see. Ask your wife to take the kids to Six Flags for the day while you dig the trench and have the mother-in-law visit.
9. Tell her that you and your family want to take her with on a cruise around the world, but you won't have the money for a week or so and you need to book the tickets today. After she loans you the money tell her the whole family has contracted an unknown disease and the house is under quarantine for unknown amount of time. Then quickly take the family on the cruise without her.
10. Tell her that your wife and kids were kidnapped during the night and you found a ransom note asking for $100,000 by tonight. The police cannot be called or you will never see them again. Then ask the wife to take the kids shopping and quickly write the note before she arrives.
These appear to be sure fire winners. I would suggest after you get the money, move your family out of the state and break the phones.
Oh how I missed you mother-in-law
Son of a biscuit eater them Scallywags be here
I don't require much room
A gift from the heart ... and the yard.
Mother-in-law comes into money
Your mother-in-law just won the Publishers Clearing House $5000 per week for life and you just happen to have your eye on that new Jaguar sitting on the car lot down the street. How can you convince her to buy this for you? You guessed it, back to the old drawing board. It's time for a new plan.
The challenge here is how to get your wife's mother to love you after all you have done to keep her away and you haven't paid back the money that you borrowed. Not to fear we have a few sure fire ideas for you.
1. Pay a few street thugs to mug her outside her house and then play the hero. Courageously chase the thugs away, brush her off and return her purse to her. Smile and help her into her house.
2. Dress up in your favorite pirate suite and then in the middle of the night sneak over to her house and leave the air out of all of her car tires. Next morning on the way to church just happen to stop by her house to give her a ride and volunteer to fix the four tires for her. While fixing her tires tell her that you just heard on the news that a band of rouge pirates have been seen terrorizing the neighborhood. What is this world coming to?
3. Offer to mow her lawn while your wife takes her shopping. After the family leaves for the mall, round up a few neighborhood kids and pay them to mow the lawn and trim the hedges. While you kick back and throw back a few beers at her picnic table in the shade. Before the family returns from their shopping spree, chase the kids away without paying them because they did a terrible job. Run in place for a minute or two to raise some sweat on your brow and then smile when she arrives.
4. You know the neighbor kids will return in the middle of the night to exact revenge. The next day when she calls to complain because the kids egged her house and blew up her mailbox. Generously volunteer to clean up the mess and install a new mailbox. Explain to her that you want to buy the new mailbox for her but, your broke because you donated all your money to MADD. Then rip a flower out of her yard and place it in water to give to her when she answers the door. She will think the rotten kids ripped her flowers out and congratulate you on your kindness.
5. Pay your old friend the hobo living in the box down the street to move his residence to her back yard. Then give him a wilted flower to present to her while he asks her out on a date, while flashing her a toothless grin. Then tell her that you just happened to be on your way to the woman's day parade and stopped to take her along. When she complains about the bum living in her back yard. Go out and send him on his way while giving him a bottle of wine for his troubles. She will love you for for getting him out of her hair.
6. Go catch that pet mouse you bought to keep her away and secretly release it in her house. When she sees it and climbs up on a chair. Volunteer to catch it and dispose of it. Then use some cheese to entice the little guy and catch him. Put him in your pocket in case you need his help again.
7. After she leaves for church sneak into her house and release a flock of seagulls. Then go to church and when its over offer her a ride home. When she sees the seagulls and the mess, volunteer to chase them all out and clean up the mess while she waits at your house. Go find your young neighborhood friends and pay them to chase out the seagulls and clean up the mess while you sit back, crack open a beer and watch the game. After they are finished tell them you have no money, but the nice lady that lives here will pay them tomorrow. When your mother-in-law returns tell her the neighborhood hoodlums threatened to return tomorrow and wreak havoc, if she sees them to immediately call the police.
By this time you are golden. Take your mother-in-law to the car dealer and show her the new car you want. Tell her that your wife is in love with this car and you want to surprise her, but you have no money. Then thank her for being such a loving mother-in-law, as you give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
Nice plan ... eh? Fortunately for me, my mother-in-law cannot read English.
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© 2015 Randy Horizon