The "Do's" and "Dont's" of Interacting with Sea Monsters
A secret discovered
I can safely assume, and you can too, that there are "do's" and "don't's" that accompany almost every area of life. Think about it. For fun, buy an electronic device or a circular saw and break-out the encrypted instructions manual. I believe that the C.I.A. plants messages in these owner's manuals to correspond with their undercover agents. Read everything that you "can" do with the device. Write or memorize the total. Then read the things you "cannot" do. Compare this total with the first total and your face will take on the same look on my face when I discovered this mystery. Confused.
It must be a plot
So not to be further-frustrated and annoyed with this obviously-culvert scheme (by powers somewhere to totally-dominate the world, I put this newly-discovered theory to the test. And I think when you are finished reading this literary adventure, you will side with me that some "do's" and "don't's" are pointless. And totally-unnecessary for human existence.
Watch closely. A real sea monster
Are you shaking with fear?
I am the first to admit that it is not everyday that you get to meet a sea monster, so I think it would serve you to memorize or copy these instructions so you will know exactly what "to" do and what "not" to do.
This is my title:
The "Do's" and "Dont's" of Interacting with Sea Monsters
Preface: these instructions apply to all types, shapes, and sizes of sea monsters no matter what area of our planet's ocean bottom in which they reside.
Most self-respecting sea monsters scare or attack you from their vantage point, at the ocean's top. And most of the time you, the frightened victim, is on the seashore having a picnic with your girlfriend or in a boat floating along with the waves with your girlfriend also having a quick snack while the boat is on auto pilot, but most victims of garden-variety sea monsters are on the seashore with their girlfriends.
Things You CAN DO When a Sea Monster Is Near
- Be perfectly still. Sudden movement further angers the ignorant creature into an attack mode which may lead to you being taken captive by this undersea beast and taking you to this secret domain. "This" sea creature is not that bright for her captured you, and left your hot girlfriend crying on the beach.
- Feeding the beast. If you have an uneaten fried chicken in your picnic basket, offer it to the sea creature and odds are, he will swallow it whole. If there is any evidence of it having compassion, the creature will want to be friends. But explain to your pretty girl friend who has fasted for 22 days, it was him or us.
- Laugh and dance around. The sea creature will not get its spiny-head around your actions and either growl for your attention, or attack you thinking you are a horsefly. WARNING: when you first start your dancing, if the creature remains stationary, continue to dance, but if the creature gets restless and run for your lives.
- If you have your guitar, sing and play. The sea creature might love your crooning. I figure that if the sea creature resides at the very bottom of the ocean, he never hears good crooning, so just out of curiosity, it will stay still to hear you sing. Or on the other hand, the creature may raise himself up out of the water and eat you for a snack for he has already eaten Roy Rogers and Gene Autrey, considered the early west's finest crooners, so him eating you is the highest-compliment you can receive by a sea creature. This action gives your girlfriend time to run away.
- Stand and beat your chest. You, not your girlfriend. (this is a family-friendly piece). Your showing of bravery might stun the sea creature and he will swim away to pursue other victims. But you must bellow loudly as Tarzan of The Apes did to get the respect of the animals in the jungle.
Things You CANNOT DO When a Sea Monster Is Near
- Throw rocks or pieces of wood at the creature. This action by you will signal that you are attacking the innocent sea monster and he will instinctually defend himself. But do not worry. No sea creature is able to breathe fire. That would be a futile gift. Get it? Living in the ocean and breathing fire? How would the creature keep his mouth lit?
- Charge at the sea monster like an idiot. This might cause the sea creature to laugh at you, but most sea monsters have no sense of humor, so do not run wildly into the ocean waves trying to strike fear in the heart of this dangerous sea monster. Just do your best to get out of his way.
- Grab your hot girlfriend and kiss her with passionate kisses as in the style of once-verile movie idol, Ricardo Montalbaum. Your girl will love it, but sea monsters hate to be ignored and he will attack you for leaving him out, so convince your girlfriend to kiss him too.
- Please DO NOT be like once-hot heart throb, Eric Estrada and try to impress your hot girlfriend by running into the wooded area near the beach and come back with vines, leaves, and greenery all over your body to try to fool the sea creature into thinking that you are its lost baby and will take compassion on you. The sea creature will instantly-think that you are making fun of him and really lose it by ripping you, not your hot girlfriend, into small pieces.
- Lying still and playing dead is probably the dumbest thing you and your hot girlfriend can do. This is a sea monster, not a grizzly bear. The sea monster will not understand why you are doing such a dumb action. But it carries with it two end-results: One, the creature will suddenly start to laugh (in its own way) and cut you a break and swim off and two, out of frustration, devour you, but spare your hot girlfriend . . .
for he needs a date for the "Under Ocean Sea Creature Ball" that starts at 8 that night.