The Internet is Getting Dangerously Close to Collapsing
How the Internet works is a complete mystery to most people, and might as well be considered magic.
Even prominent leaders like Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens told the world, “The internet is not a big truck. It's a series of tubes.”
Clearly if the brightest minds can’t grasp it, what hope do we have of understanding it?
I have struggled to understand its vast inner workings myself, and so far all I know is it is made up of countless cables, boxes, and satellites.
Although I don’t get how it runs, I do know what powers it, and this source is getting dangerously low.
Michael W. Dean Concerned
Renowned radio host Michael W. Dean was blunt when I interviewed him:
"I’m getting really concerned about this latest trend. I think we hit peak kitty last year and it has been on a big downward slide. People have not been posting pictures of their cats like they used to. If this keeps up, the Internet will power down by the end of next month.
There was a time I would check my email box and be overwhelmed with cats chasing lasers, playing games on iPads, or knocking down some small child. But these days, I am lucky to see a cat swatting a dog’s tail once a week.The feline-related traffic has really slowed down."
Dean continued, “I have to resort to filming my own cat Peanut and emailing to myself just so I can feel normal again. I know a great deal about 12-step programs, and I know how to recognize when I have an addiction.
The other night I was so desperate I photoshopped some old cat pictures with new ones to create whole new pictures. I had to get my fix and I did. I realize the fake pictures might hurt my cat’s feelings but I didn’t care. The lack of new cat material on the internet is really starting to affect my life.”
Lead Scientists Are Afraid
Lead scientists of “Cat Memes for Our Future” have been tracking and charting cat-related posts on Facebook and other social media platforms since the 1990s. The scientists meet anually to announce their findings and take part in their national conference.
We caught up with one scientist simply known as Danica W.:
“I know I am supposed to stay unobjective as a scientist, but as a heavy Internet user, I’m scared. The statistics don’t lie, and this country is heading for a major breakdown if people don’t start posting more pictures of their cats soon.
We scientists know that the Internet is really powered by cat memes, and the purpose of this organization is to spread that message as far as we possibly can. I mean, really folks, how long does it take to stick a unicorn horn on your cat’s head, or put his face through a piece of bread and post a picture of it? I blame it on the collapse of the economy; people just don’t have time to dress their cats up like they used to. Frankly, if it was not for the the Hallmark Channel showing the Kitten Bowl before the Super Bowl, the internet would have completely blacked out in February. The world has no idea just how important The Kitten Bowl is.”
Cat Ladies Outreach
An effort has begun to reach out to single women over 40 who live with multiple cats. Podcaster Brian Hagen has made several groups on social media websites encouraging these lonely women. He is behind such groups as “Cat Lady Culture,” “Cat Ladies for Christ,” and “Kittens for Vixens.”
When we caught up with him he said,
“If we can encourage these high-volume cat owners to post multiple pictures a day, it would really help to recharge the Internet. I think I speak for everyone when I say we want to see pictures and reports about what their cats are doing all day long.
If I don’t see a cat lady joking about how much hard work it was for their kitty to sleep 20 hours a day, I can’t get through my day. We need to focus harder on these desperate women to start them posting more adorable cat pictures. This why I am offering my special ‘overnight’ training classes and posting sessions free of charge.”
Jobs Are in Jeopardy
The crisis has even affected people’s jobs. A local businesswoman, Audrey Salem, went on to say,
“I seriously have no idea what to do at work anymore. I used to be able to spend all morning and lunch watching videos of kittens trying to meow, and cats making amazing jumps to grab a feather duster on a string. I loved watching them shred shower curtains, sleep in laundry baskets of clean clothes, and sit on the computer so nobody can see the screen.
Now I actually work at work; do you know how messed up that is? My productivity has gone up 300% and I even finish my projects early. All I know is people better get back to posting videos of their cats or I’m going to end up getting a promotion and running this place. In my day, this used to be a good cat-loving country; now just look what it’s become.”
Do Your Part!
As the world teeters of the edge of a crisis, I beg you to please be part of the solution and start posting pictures and videos of your cats again.
As Gandhi said when speaking about sharing pictures of his cat, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” If you won’t make a cat meme out of your tabby eating an ice cream cone, who will?
I would like to think that society is not deliberately acting so wrecklessly with their children’s future.
I prefer to think they just forgot how to post pictures of their fur-children. I want to help remind you: below are some examples to inspire you.