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The Legend of TheTitanic
The Legend of the Titanic
Directors: Orlando Corradi, Kim J. Ok
Writers: Clelia Castaldo, Orlando Corradi, Loris Peota, Ted Rusoff
Cast: Gregory Snegoff, Jane Alexander, Anna Mazzotti, Sean Patrick Lovett, Francis Pardeilhan, Teresa Pascarelli
Synopsis: Old Grandpa mouse tells to his grandchildren the "real" story of the Titanic disaster, including evil sharks, a giant octopus, and an evil whaling scheme.
Oh and it turns out that people can talk to animals using moon beam magic tears, and all whales and dolphins are saints. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. G.I. JOE!!!!!!! Whoops, wrong movie.
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
SCREW THE DAMN WHALES! I HOPE THEY ALL DIE!
You want to know what I'd really like right now? I wish I could get all the people involved in this movie, and have them all line up in a row for me, as I'd pull out my double barrel shotgun...and shoot them all in the face for ever making this god awful movie. Seriously, this movie not only goes to great lengths to insult the intelligence of it's viewers, but it also suggests that NOBODY died on the Titanic. That's right folks. NOBODY ever died on the Titanic, as that's allegedly a big cover up according to this movie. In fact, those jerks who have supposedly made a living studying the history of it are all wrong according to this movie. No, according to the DVD cover...this is the REAL STORY OF THE TITANIC. Oh gee, what a way to start off an animated movie by saying that everyone that's ever bothered to read a history book on the Titanic is wrong. Of course, I tend to think that the instant you introduce talking animals into a movie, you lose all credibility to say that your movie is based on the real life story of anything, but that's just me.
Anyway, the movie starts off with an old retired sailor mouse that lives in a nice apartment in New York City; along with his wife and grandchildren. As the film opens, one of the grand kids starts to read a newspaper article that's dedicated to those that lost their lives, during the Titanic tragedy. The young mouse starts to say how awful it must have been for those poor souls, but Grandpa mouse decides to set the record straight. The truth of the matter is that NOBODY died on the Titanic, and allegedly it was all a misunderstanding. Of course, one would have to question grandpa mouse's logic though; especially considering that it does seem odd that all the newspapers, historians, and every other news/history source known to man would go through great lengths to lie in the first place about what happened on the Titanic. But then again, I'm sure most people will dismiss this saying that it's only a cartoon, and that we shouldn't take it too seriously. Fair enough. However, allow me to explain the rest of this story, and we'll see if you still feel the same way afterwards.
Anyway, grandpa mouse starts telling his long winded story of his voyage on the Titanic, as a young sailor mouse. Unlike the other "Titanic" animated movie, the mice in this one aren't that funny. Hell, they don't even try to be, as they spend half the film talking about ship protocol. And even during the times they aren't talking about ship procedures, some of these mice can be downright weird. In one scene for instance, a mouse sees a beautiful young human woman, and says that he plans to fantasize about her later that night. Although, I probably shouldn't say anything about what my exact thoughts are on this, but I will say it's kind of creepy to think about a mouse fantasizing about a human girl. I mean it's not like he could be fantasizing about...I don't know...other mice? However, one of the mouse's friends is quick to point out the obvious fact that she's a woman, and he's a mouse. Well, does that stop our perverted mouse from fantasizing about the human girl? No, he just says, "Well, there's one thing I'm not, and that's a racist." Um...how is pointing out the obvious conclusion that it's physically impossible for a mouse and woman to date each other being racist? And who in their right scrupulous mind would come up with such a bizarre conclusion? Were the writers of this film on crack or something when they wrote this? To make matters worse, they never reference this scene again throughout the movie, so it becomes a pointless scene anyway.
However, the story is focused on a young girl named Elizabeth, who not only comes off as a carbon based copy of Rose from James Cameron's version of the "Titanic", but she too is engaged to a rich creep that she doesn't love. To make matters worse, when she's introduced, they literally introduce her shot by shot the same exact way Cameron introduced Rose in his movie, as if this film couldn't get anymore shameless. But, this isn't even the worse part. Without giving away too much, Elizabeth eventually gains the ability to talk to animals after crying underneath the full moon, as her tears fall on a dolphin. It's from here, we learn the REAL REASON behind the Titanic's demise wasn't because of some bizarre act of nature. No, no, no, don't be so naive. According to this movie, it was because Elizabeth's fiance was involved in some sort of complex whaling scheme to trick her father into signing over the contracts to have worldwide whaling rights. How does this equate to the Titanic sinking you ask? Well, as it turns out, Elizabeth's evil fiance is in league with a gang of talking underwater criminal sharks that somehow trick a giant octopus to throw a damn iceberg in the Titanic's path. Gee, aren't you glad to know this? Why the Titanic didn't sink because of some random act of nature. No, no, no, it was because of a complex whaling scheme, and the help of a ruthless talking shark gang. Aren't we lucky to find this out?
Anyway, I won't say what happens next, as I wouldn't want to give anything away, but nobody dies according to old grandpa mouse. First of all, I can forgive a lot of things in movies, and I can be especially forgiving when it comes to cartoon films. After all, if I wanted to be very cynical, I could start deducting points off "Toy Story 3" for the simple fact that it's absurd to even think that toys can be sentient beings. However, because it's an animated movie designed for kids, I let a few things slide with it. Therefore, I don't expect cartoons to be realistic the same way I would with a drama or historical/biographical film, as that would be silly of me. However, this film is flat out insulting.
Not only did the creators behind this film make a mockery of a real life tragedy that involved the lives of over fifteen hundred people, but they chose to make it serves as nothing more than a cheap ploy to save the damn whales across the world. Look, I have nothing against whales in general, and I apologize if I offended anyone with the title of this review. However, if you're going to make an animated movie about saving the whales, then make one that doesn't involve making a joke out of a tragedy that costed the lives of many innocent civilians. Seriously, this movie is not only a grave insult to anyone that dares to watch it, but it's a straight up insult to the people that died on the Titanic. The real life tragedy this film chooses to base itself on has nothing to do with whaling, so why would anyone make that connection?
Plus, the concept that nobody died on the Titanic? Are you freaking kidding me? Look, I'll be the first to admit the animation for this movie is better than the other animated movie based on Titanic (Titanic: The Legend Goes On...), but the story is flat out insulting. In fact, I hope the creators behind this abomination get beaten within an inch of their lives for this garbage.
Hell, even if I did ignore this film's obvious disrespect towards the victims of Titanic, to serve as a cheap "save the whales" ploy, it would still fail to get a decent review. The love story between Don Juan and Elizabeth is extremely limited, as they only share a few lines of dialogue with each other throughout the movie. Plus, there's several inconsistencies with the story line that quite frankly don't make any sense. For starters, how is it even possible that a woman can talk to animals because of her damn tears falling on a dolphin? And if that's the case, then how can the bad guys talk to sharks? Did they cry underneath the full moon too, and their tears fell on a shark instead of a dolphin? Plus, what about the Captain and Don Juan? How is it possible for them to eventually develop the ability to talk to animals too? In the film, they did explain that only the person that sheds tears underneath the full moon can talk to animals, along with their alleged soul mates. Gee, I guess that would explain Don Juan seeing how he's the love interest of Elizabeth, but why the captain? Does that mean Elizabeth has a thing for him too? Earlier in the film, the captain couldn't talk to the animals, but he can around the ending of this movie? Look, if you're going to make up some fictional plot device like this, then you need to set a define set of rules and boundaries to allow the audience suspend their dis-beliefs. Take "Harry Potter" for instance.
Everyone knows that the magic you see in "Harry Potter" isn't real, but the rules that film series establishes allows the viewer to suspend their dis-beliefs in the nature of cinematic fun. Whereas this film, it not only breaks every rule it tries to establish, but it completely ignores them; which makes it extremely hard to take the story seriously on it's own merit.
As I said before, I can forgive a lot of things in cartoons, and I can let a lot of things slide. However, this movie doesn't deserve my pity, nor leniency. No, this film deserves the harshest rating that I could think of for a movie, and that would be a zero out of four. Although, this movie probably deserves a negative rating for it's obvious disrespect for the victims of the Titanic, but zero is by default the lowest I can go. Don't bother seeing this film, as it's not worth wasting your time on it.
Warning: The following Nostalgia Critic Review of this movie contains spoilers, and adult language.