The Malaprop Movie Critic...
So, it is no secret that I need a paying gig real soon or I'll be poorer than the State I live in. Apparently all the philanthropist jobs are gone, and making two cents a day on adsense makes no sense, so I went internetting to find a new job.
Seriously, I found the best jobs out there. There is this one called "food critic", but seeing as there has never been a food item I didn't love, it would be very uncritical, and I would be a blimp in about two days, so...
Next best thing... movie critic. Perfect. I watch movies, even if I call them films, and with my incredible following on hubpages, at least three, maybe four, people, would read my words. I like watching films, even the ones with the writing on the bottom, so obviously this is for me.
Being critical is a little bit more of a challenge for me, as that’s where my natural proclivities as a Brit need to be overcome, but this is for cash, which is a very good overcoming agent.
I did not want to start with new movies, partly because I haven't seen very many, but also because it is hard to be too critical when you live in commuting distance of Hollywood and they might come down and punch you in the nose.
So, old films this time…
Some are very famous so there is a good chance you have seen them and then you can criticize my criticism, so the last person to read them knows exactly how good it is. (Cool huh?)
This is a great movie, even if the title might put you off, because the star, Tom Cruise, really does have the most wonderful gums. He smiles throughout the movie, even when he is flying a plane, letting you see his wonderful teeth, and those magnificent gums just mesmerize you. It is a little bit sad in places because a goose dies (I think he gets hits by a plane) but there is a pretty girl in it and there is some kissing and stuff. The best scene is where Tom is riding his motorcycle really fast without a helmet, and due to his magnificent teeth and gums does not get a single bit of crap stuck in there.
Hairy Porter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
This film is a bit of a mystery because you are never quite sure who the actual hairy porter is. There is one near the beginning when this kid who stood too close to Zorro, gets onto a train, and confusingly, there is this really hairy guy called Hagrid all the way through the film. Now he is standing on the platform at Hogwash station when the train comes in, and he carries Zorro-face kid's trunk for him, so you think it must be him, but he is a groundskeeper. (Not exactly a hard job, how much land runs away?) I think it is the really ugly handyman guy (with spectacularly disgusting gums), you know, the guy with the cat.
Fridge on the River Kwai
Now I got excited about this film, because if ever there was a need for a household appliance, this was it. The horrors of war, heat, and human unkindness run through the whole movie. People die all over the place in this godforsaken jungle hell, and it would have balanced things out nicely if they had found the fridge. A couple of cold beers and so much of the misery could have been avoided.
Twelve Hungry Men
This one is a gripping courtroom drama. It is exciting even though it takes place in one room. The court is having a recess, but for some reason, these men are not allowed to go and play outside. They are sitting around a huge lunch table trying to agree on what to eat for lunch. None of them can agree at first, but after taking their jackets off, eleven of them want to get takeout from the deli. Only one man, the hero, wants something different. He talks and talks until, just to shut him up, I think, they all change their minds. The order is going to get messed up anyway, what with everyone writing on tiny scraps of paper, in pencil.
The Crepes of Wrath
I love it when a film focuses on food, but this one is a little bit unusual. It was made in 1940, and done on the cheap, so they used black and white film. There is a lot of dust, so the crepes would taste pretty bad anyway. There is no discussion about fillings, which I would have liked, and no debate on the crepe / pancake. You might want to go to IHOC afterwards.
The first Try Hard was the best of the series, though, in every one, Bruce Willis manages to really mess up his undershirt. Bruce Willis really hates this building that he is in, so he shoots the bejezus out of it. He gets so mad at it, he even crashes a helicopter into the building, If you like explosions, lots of broken glass and the challenge of truly dirty whites, this is the movie for you.
Pilates of the Caribbean
Johnny Depp is brilliant in this swashbuckling tale masquerading as an exercise video. All the jumping and swimming are not really Pilates, but you just have so much fun interacting with the instructor, you feel the fat just melt away. He likes to be called captain, so just go with it; after all it is all about stiffening the core.
A great cartoon for the kids, this one. This little fish, who, frankly, is a bit of a gimp, loses a post-it with some important words on it. His dad tries to help but he can only find a blue fish who can’t read or remember very well. It is rare to see such heartfelt images of the handicapped. Anyway, some turtle surfer dudes take him to Australia where these annoying birds tell everyone that the memo is theirs. There are some scary parts involving sharks, but the father and son reunion make up for them never resolving the memo issue.
So, there you have it, my first movie hub. I’m not exactly sure how critics get paid, but I’m kinda looking forward to the check because I spent like thirty bucks on netflix doing this.
Maybe I should review a few books for next time; I bet I’d make a great Literal Critic…
Dear Hub Reader
If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,
Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,
A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.
Available directly from: