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The Most Popular Movies of 2014 I Won't Be Seeing
This article is about popular movies I won't be seeing. According to my very reputable sources there's going to be roughly 7,403 movies released next year and of those, only a handful of them will actually be tops at the box office. And of THOSE I'm only going to see about 12 of them. Or less considering I don't have Netflix anymore. Therefore my movie-viewing choices are very precious to me, meaning even some of the most popular movies I won't be seeing. But that's not because I want to--it's because I don't want to!
Wait, what? Let me explain. In this article I'm going to review the most popular movies of 2014 that I don't have any intention of seeing. And then I'll tell you why so you can not watch them either! This way we'll affect a movement in Hollywood and get it back to its roots--or maybe just get them to produce movies only I like because clearly as an amateur internet movie critic my opinion ought to weigh more heavily than that of everyone else.
Winter's Tale (2014) -- Release Date: February 14
This is a good example of a movie that won't be on this list because it's the complete inverse from what the list is about. For one, it won't be popular at all; and two, I will be seeing it because I will think it is about Shakespeare's play by the same name. Incidentally, it has nothing to do with Shakespeare and is some sort of supernatural thriller.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) -- Release Date: April 4
This is another movie that won't be on this list because, if the last Captain America movie is any indication, this movie is going to make a massive amount of money. That's all well and good but as it turns out I'm also definitely going to be watching it. Incidentally, isn't it odd that both movies have 'winter' in their titles?
And now.. The ACTUAL List.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014) -- Release Date: January 3
It seems as though at any given point in time there has to be at least one horror movie franchise churning out one awful, slightly-modified-from-the-original movie after another. In the 80's we had Halloween with Michael Myers (er, not that Michael Myers). In the 90's we had all those Scream movies by Wes Craven. And in the 00's we had both Final Destination and Saw sequels being churned out almost yearly.
The beauty of reviewing movies I've never seen is that I can assume anything about them that I want to. For instance, I have no idea what the original Paranormal Activity movie was about other then that it was set in an apartment complex and used really bad camera effects to appear realistic, and that like most horror movies, it was too dark to actually see what was going on. This movie is actually not a sequel to Paranormal but a spin-off! I didn't even know you could spin-off a movie until just now.
RoboCop (2014) -- Release Date: February 12
Not to be confused with the other RoboCop from 1987 that this movie is named after. Despite what it may seem, this is not actually a remake nor is it a reboot. It's merely a different movie about RoboCop that has the same title. I'm not sure why it couldn't have just been called 'RoboCop 4: Now With A Human Hand'. I know what you're thinking--there was a RoboCop 3?! Well apparently no one else knew either as it bombed at the box office.
The problem with this movie is that it is clearly going to be about RoboCop's feelings and coming to terms with being a killing machine, but his human hand will be the piece of humanity that helps him regain.. yada, yada, whatever. Does the director, José Padilha, even know why people watch these types of movies? It's not for the writing, or the romantic subplot. It's to see a cybernetic killing machine kill bad guys! How you could ruin that is anybody's guess. Sorry, but I prefer to remember RoboCop as he was--an unholy robotic vigilante abomination--and not as an actual human being with emotions and other girly things.
Divergent (2014) -- Release Date: March 21
Have you heard of Divergent yet? It's supposedly the new Hunger Games which itself was the new Harry Potter which was the new.. wait, what was the new Harry Potter? Did kids even read books before then? My cousin's children who are now apparently old enough to read--which is both scary and depressing--simply can't stop talking about this book. Which is fine, because I devoured Harry Potter and I almost read Hunger Games.
So why won't I go see it? Because when it comes to movies like these I really prefer to read the book first since, as we all know, the books are always way better than the movies--otherwise, the movie will just spoil it for me. The problem with this is that, despite having a B.A. in English, I actually don't read books. Ever. Oh sure, I love the feel and smell of a new book. And I could spend all day pawing through the books at my local bookstore chain (until it goes out business again), as I sip my flavor-of-the-month coffee. But then I go home and play on the internet, watch television, and kick my books around until I feel comfortable that I can drop them off at the local Goodwill without feeling too much guilt. It's a lot like hiding broccoli beneath your mashed potatoes as a child. Only this time the broccoli are books, and the mashed potatoes is the Goodwill. It feels good to say I'm going to read a book--just as it feels good to pretend like I'm going to actually eat broccoli for once--but that's where both of those things end.
The Amazing Spiderman 2 (2014) -- Release Date: May 2
Wait, there was another one of these? And it also didn't star Toby Maguire? The only thing I know about the current Spiderman, Andrew Garfield, is that either he's wearing a wig or he has stock in a hair spray company, because hair doesn't just naturally look that flamboyant. The Amazing Spiderman 2 is the second reboot of a franchise that just saw the most acclaimed trilogy of sequels in its history. The first of course being Christopher Nolan's Batman, which will soon be forgotten with the release of Ben Afflick's puketastic version. I feel like every time there is a successful bunch of movies, the franchise needs to be put on hiatus for 10 years afterward before trying to reboot it.
Considering however, that The Amazing Spiderman made 260 million dollars, it's a pretty safe bet that I'm the only person who feels this way about superhero movies. It's also a good bet that this will not be the last sequel--er, especially since there's already talk of a Spiderman 4. Maybe I just have to content myself with this movie starring the beautiful Emma Stone, instead of Kirsten Dunst, as Mary Jane. Oh wait, she's Gwen Stacy. Who in the heck is Gwen Stacy?!
How to Train Your Dragon 2 (2014) -- Release Date: June 13
I'm pretty sure that since I'm an adult this movie is not aimed at me in any way whatsoever. So the fact that I'm not going to see it probably isn't going to cause too many people much discomfort. I do feel like, however, that the original HtTYD (wow, that's an awful acronym), was something of an oddity in that it's both a movie that no one knew existed and one that everyone saw--I'm not even sure how that's possible. But seriously, go up to your friends and ask them if they ever saw it or even heard of it. And yet, it managed to make over 217 million dollars at the box office, which is about the best that any non-Pixar animated film can do!
Full disclosure: I actually saw the first movie and, while it's no [INSERT PIXAR MOVIE, BUT NOT CARS 2], it was still a decent movie and one I'd be happy to take my nonexistent children to. Still, I won't be watching it myself unless someone drags me to it and also pays. Or my girlfriend, who doesn't exist either, wants to see it.
I always begin these articles thinking they'll be short--that I can simply write a tiny blurb and move on. Of course I'm not a pithy person, choosing instead to ramble on and on and on and on. And on. This means, of course, that there will need to be a Part II to finish this article! I have learned that people don't like reading very long articles because it feels overwhelming to them. Therefore, after about 1200-1400 words I have to either wrap things up or write another article.
So why don't you all meet me again in the sequel?