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The Movie Scab Reviews: "Marvel's The Avengers."

Updated on June 6, 2012

"The scab you're picking at is called execution."

--American film producer Scott Rudin.

Monkey Boy picks the movies!
Monkey Boy picks the movies!

Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Monkey Boy gives Marvel's The Avenger's 4 Acks! out of 5!

Marvel’s The Avengers.

Monkey Boy and I watched Marvel’s The Avengers with the funniest guys I know on the planet, best buds from college-days, comedy club and comedy improv alumni the lot of them. Going to see a movie with them is like going to a club that has the best, funniest, naturally talented comics around. Guaranteed non-stop laughter, the kind that’s so good and constant your body actually hurts from laughing so much. You can tear up. You can find it difficult to speak and/or breathe because you’re laughing so hard. You can even pee your pants, especially if you’ve got urinary incontinence problems and these days most of us do. One hard laugh and we tend to dribble, spring a leak or run to the bathroom clutching our soaked groins, shouting like a leaky old Harrison Ford in Blade Runner, “Outta the way!” The point is, we comment and laugh a lot during the movie. It’s probably hell for the poor movie patrons who’ve chosen to see the same movie because the worse the movie is, the funnier the comments from the comics, and of course the comments and laughter are pretty much nonstop. One day, someone’s going to dump a bucket of popcorn on our heads. Or worse. In my nightmares I hear someone in the audience shout, “Shut up! We’re not in your living room, you losers! You’re not freakin’ funny as you think you are!” And then gunshots ring out and of course plenty of laughter follows.

Shivers. Those nightmares give me shivers.

Anyway, because most of the movies that come out of Hollywood are crap, an endless flow of raw sewage called mediocrity, and we the moviegoing audience are happily addicted to it, throwing our hard earned money down so that we can swim in it (ala The Magic Christian), making Hollywood richer and increasing the hubris and delusion of the rich celebrities that live in the kingdom--if that were possible, and it is, apparently, just ask the rich celebrities that have changed the world for the better like rich Sean Penn, rich Al Gore, rich Madonna and rich Mr. Ed the Talking Horse (or was it a talking ass?) The Occupy Movement should Occupy Hollywood, not because the rich celebrities are deeply embedded in the 1%, but because they produce 99% crap for the 99%. Anyway, because of all that, when my comedy friends and I see a crappy movie we can be brutal, unforgiving and sometimes so freakin' funny it convinces me that God not only exists, he's got a helluva good sense of humor. (I bet he loves mocking the crappy movies that come out of Hollywood's colon.)

That said, as funny as my comedy friends are and as much fun as we have hanging out together and seeing a movie and ripping it to shreds, we didn’t mock Marvel's The Avengers. In fact, we were quiet as church mice--well, quiet as church mice that have had a few glasses of sacramental wine.

So, you see? Turned out the movie wasn’t total crap after all.

We did mock the unwashed, shaggy-haired and slightly overweight Generation X fanboy sitting in the front row, however. When the end credits appeared and writer/director Joss Whedon gave us the little snippet with the big purple grinning monster, a sign of what’s to come in the sequel--there will be a sequel, of course, not because the movie has merit but because it’s made over a billion dollars, which may or may not mean the movie has merit, and I say that because Avatar made over a billion dollars and look how dumb that movie is--unwashed, shaggy-haired and slightly overweight Generation X fanboy screamed at the top of his lungs, a vocalized orgasm from a 45 year old who loves his comic books so much that right there in the front row of the movie theatre he had a genuine comic book orgasm. God bless him, I know he loves his cartoon superheroes, but his ejaculation caused a baby to wail, scared the rest of the kids and parents, sent an elderly man into cardiac arrest and, honestly, made me think my movie theatre nightmare was coming true right before my very eyes: the crazy dude screaming in the front row had pulled a gun and was about to blast us funny guys (that he thought weren’t so funny) into oblivion: “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Blam, blam, blam!

That we didn't mock Marvel's The Avengers during the movie is high praise.

What’s to like? Just about everything, really. It’s well written, well acted, the effects are excellent and it’s even got some comedy surprises thanks to Joss Whedon, the man who gets all the credit for this movie’s success. He’s come a long way since penning 1992’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

What's the plot about? If you’ve seen the other Marvel superhero movies then you pretty much know what's going on, but if you haven’t, let me nutshell it here for you: superheros fight a superhero bad guy who wants to take over the world; throw in some excellent action sequences, fist fights, good looking actors, witty, clever dialogue and you’ve got one of the best popcorn muncher blockbusters of the summer, and apparently a lot of people agree with me. After all, it’s made over a billion dollars, right?

The only critical thing I have to say is this: once again, the design of the aliens irritated me. Why Hollywood has to reduce the bad guys to monsters that look like thick-armed, erect pugs (ugly dogs with very little brain) is beyond me, and since I’m criticizing the aliens I’ll criticize the vehicles they flew around NYC on—stupid too. Entertaining as the final action set piece was, it’s the only time in the movie where I felt like I was watching a video game and that’s unfortunate.

My rating: get together with Iron Man and alcoholic Tony Stark and discuss over green chlorophyll vodka (on the rocks is best) these topics before seeing the movie: the crap that flows from Hollywood’s colon and what to do about it; what to do about people talking during a movie, especially if they’re comedy improv artists and stand-up comics; and since Marvel’s The Avengers isn’t a totally crappy movie and it came out of Hollywood, the Kingdom of Crap, try to find out what magical orifice it came out of that caused it to smell so sweet.


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