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The No Country For Old Guys Pageant

Updated on February 28, 2019
kenneth avery profile image

I was born in the south. I live in the south and will die in the south. This is only a small part of the memories I share.

Nia Franklin, Miss America 2019,  sings National Anthem at 2018  Military Bowl.
Nia Franklin, Miss America 2019, sings National Anthem at 2018 Military Bowl. | Source

There She is . . .

the Miss America 2019 pageant was the 92nd Miss America pageant, though the Miss Miss America Organization will celebrate its 98th anniversary in 2018. This discrepancy is due to national pageants not being held from 1928–1932 or in 1934 because of financial problems associated with the Great Depression.The 2019 pageant was held in Atlantic City, New Jersey.On May 23, 2018, it was announced that the pageant would air live on ABCon Sunday, September 9, 2018.

At the end of the event, Miss America 2018, Cara Mun of North Dakota, officially crowned her successor, Nia Franklin of New York, as Miss America 2019.

During my adolescent and teenage years, I admit it. I was glad to watch the Miss America Pageant every time it came on TV. I have to confess here and now that watching this event was my “guilty pleasure,” before there was such as thing as a “guilty pleasure.” I would keep tuned to our TV and catch the night and date of the Miss America Pageant and I loved to watch the pretty girls do their routines and yes, I said “pretty girls,” so if you consider this remark a bit of Sexual Harassment, fine. I said it and I meant no harm.

Even as far back as I can remember, if I knew that the special pageant would be on a certain day, that thought process dominated my thought processes—and some of my grade school teachers would bark: “Kenny! You asleep in your desk? Huh?” I did not know that the U.S.M.C. recruited the teachers like the ones who yelled at us. Mostly me, to be honest.

But All That Glitters

is not a beauty pageant title. No. There is so much behind-the-scenes of hard labor that no audience will ever know it. Just the entrants with their pretty smiles as they walk in front of the cameras. (I used to wish that I could head to New York and train to be a cameraman.)

I found out that the entrants from our 50 states have won, not on their good looks, but their determination and drive—to say nothing about their talents that I know, makes the judges squirm with stress trying to figure which girl should get this or that. I would have loved to take a shot like that. So I have no recourse but ask you: why on earth (several years back) did the Miss America Pageant ask George “Goober” Lindsey to be one of the judges? I am still struggling to understand this one.

So With The Preliminaries

now finished, I can reveal another feasible idea that I came up all by myself. And after you read and digest my thinking, you will not only be amazed, but you might beg me to allow you to participate.

Welcome, my friends, the older men in the United States, to the No Country For Old Guys Pageant, NOT to be confused with the film: No Country For Old Men starring Tommy Lee Jones; Woody Harrelson; Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem. Unless you have not watched this film, I won’t ruin it for you.

The qualifications to my pageant are simple and easy to understand:

* Contestants must be at least 62 years young.

* Contestants must be an American-citizen at least five years.

* The Talent Contest is rather easy---if contestants can whistle a known tune, the best performance wins, but the standard, “Someone’s in The Kitchen With Dinah,” is not to be used because men this old will have the edge in knowing the tune for years.

* No animal acts (jumping, diving or biting test dummies) is allowed because of my stringent insurance policies.

* Other areas of competition: Longest Nap; Cleanest Dentures; Telling the Most-Interesting War Stories and Dancing The Waltz (contestants are allowed for the contestants’ wives to help the guys with this highly-special contest, but a live-in nurse is acceptable.

* If any contest uses profanities of any type, they will be disqualified immediately since this is a family pageant.

* The judges’ decision is final.

* If the contestants have wives (or nurses that travel with the men), they cannot bellow or whistle for support for their contestant.

* NO former celebrity, Bert Parks, who was formerly the emcee of this pageant for years may not compete or try to force me, the Chairman of The No Country For Old Guys Pageant, to allow him to be anywhere in this civic center.

And the very last part of the precision in planning for this to be a fun and happy pageant, if each contestant can either hum or whistle, “This Land is Your Land,” they will be automatically-allowed to be a pageant contestant--if the contestant(s) are awake when their whistling is concluded.

The Prizes Will be Awarded

by amount of the points that they garner. I have been negotiating with the family-based companies to become a sponsor for the first “No Country For Old Guys Pageant,”: Geritol, Ex-Lax, and Bland Food—the contestants can also win a five-year supply of each of these three prizes.

I tried to ask Kathie Lee Gifford if she would be the emcee for this history-making event—I told her about the Miss Senior Citizen Pageant, and I was told to leave.

All that is left for me to do is finding the right TV network to broadcast this happening, but so far, the major networks laughed at me when I tried to sell my idea to them.

February 28, 2019_____________________________________

Lee Meriwether Miss Kita Batman 1966  and Miss America 1955. And very lovely.
Lee Meriwether Miss Kita Batman 1966 and Miss America 1955. And very lovely. | Source

© 2019 Kenneth Avery


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