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The Only Way Is Dave

Updated on February 15, 2014

Growing up in the 70's was never going to be easy for a child with an overt dislike for 'oranges' and 'yellos' and sometimes 'reds'. To our adolescent protagonist Spacehoppers were evil Lucifer-like creatures. Demonic obese bags of fetid 70's air...lurking in the corner of a friend's bedroom. Orange pigs. Raleigh Choppers....mostly yello in colour... were there to remind him that his friends had rich parents....and that he would have to make do with a cheap Italian Chopper-copy....from the catalogue...for Christmas.

Raleigh Chopper:

£35 from Harrods

Mobo Cross:

£17....Marshall Ward

His was a simple family. His father had a wooden hand. His mother compiled crosswords for The Socialist Worker....and Disco 45.

The air in his home was ever-heavy with the haze of Woodbine and the vapour of Blue Nun. It would be easy to crack a joke at this point...about how the woodbine smog was even worse when his father smoked it too....implying that his mother was the smoker....but that would be cheap and predictable...and quite untrue. Sorry...I'm just being honest. Aligned to that...I could say 'he was poor...but he was happy'. That wouldn't be true. He was a miserable scrote. He had an imaginary friend...didn't we all? His imaginary friend....called David....refused to play with him...tellingly.

'One day'

David would often say

'I'm going to be the Prime Minister of England'

Imagine THAT!!!!!

The Raleigh Chopper was mainly yello

Andrew...our protagonist...had two cats....one real...one imaginary. He called the imaginary cat Mussolini. Not because of significant markings in the same way that dumb people call their cat Hitler if it has a small black tache. He called it Mussolini cos it liked to hang upside down from the local Elf garage. That's true...that is.

He forgot to give his real cat a name

Mussolini was a terrible fascist.

The real Mussolini....I mean.

Not the cat.

That would be silly.

Anyway....don't let me keep you. The whole saga was made into a documentary. Here's what happened when the boy who detested bright colours finally grew up.



Before I go….here…take these:

W W W

Please put these on the ends of my yello words. I can spell yellow. I was teasing you…and it worked…didn’t it?





The presenter and her friend

she's the one with the bunny-ears

The Presenter

(script)

Identity Infiltration Syndrome

Uninvited Other-Person Acceptance Disorder

Irregular Character-Ingest Sicknesss

Clinical Unwant

Call it what you will...but these are all strains of the same monster...of the same condition from which we can all fall prey to at any time in our lives. It's the kind of phenom you read about every so often in the media-sheets of the world. It makes you think.

A lorry-driver...called Colin...from Hebden Bridge...is knocked unconscious by a low-flying bird...probably a raven...and when he comes round he can sing like Pavarotti in his prime. (more likely it was a rook...to be fair)

An accounts manager...called Trish....from Broadstairs...is startled by a vagrant moth...and she can suddenly speak in Latin tongue...fluently. Probably. (she might even turn lesbianos)

A cat in Bavaria loses it's eighth life...and comes back barking like a dog.

Nobody can really explain this abnormality of circumstance...but we are going to try to shed some light on this marvel of the human mind. Without further travail...I hereby present to you...the curious case of an erratic character with new-fangled misappropriation of the secluded thought-system.

Ladies and Gents....first and second-right down the corridor.

Let me introduce you to what were the first rumblings...of...The Only Way Is Dave

The Psycho-Analyst (Josh Rink)

The Psycho-Analyst Interview

(interview...in pub...colloquial setting to promote warmth and well-being)

(Josh Rink-psycho-analyst. Andy Export- ideological cerebral patient)

JR- Hi Andy...let's begin...are you comfortable?

AE- Well...I have a few grand in the bank

JR- I didn't mean..........

AE-I know

JR- We're here today to get to the radical rock-bottom of this new mental complication...to get to the anus of the predicament...plainly speaking. Can you remember much about your childhood?

AE- No...can you?

JS- Not really...I didn't even KNOW you

AE- I didn't mean.....

JS- I know

AE- Carry on

JS- You had an operation....you had a tumour removed from your head...was it like having a part of your mind removed?

AE- Not really...I had that done years ago

JS- Why?

AE- Because I have been trying to forget about a girl I loved. I lacked the skill to attract her...so I decided to have that mental desire removed from my mind

JS- The classic 'can't get a girl out of your mind' syndrome....but it's like Maria said...in The Sound of Music...'you can't run away from your problems...you have to face them head-on' You should ask her out.

AE- Maria?

JS- No...the girl of your dreams.

AE- She didn't love me...and I always believe that I would never want to be with someone who doesn't love me as much as I love them

JS- Admirable sentiment

AE- Thank you

JS- You had a tumour removed....what then?

AE- I woke up with a compulsion

JS- To sing another man's music?

AE- Yes

JS- Why David Essex?

AE- I have no idea

Josh Rink (continued)

JS- Tell me about your time on the operating-table

AE- Well....it wasn't the first time I had been concerned with 'operational-delusion'

JS- Meaning?

AE- Well...you're the expert...aren't you supposed to tell me?

JS- Yeah...but you're writing the fucking script

AE- Oh yeah...sorry...well...my friend had just had an appendectomy...and I figured that taking part of your body away is bound to mess you up in some way...so it weighed heavy on my mind...literally...and I thought of my friend as I had my own segment ripped from my biological strata...and I wrote a song for her...as i underwent my own procedure

JS- What was her name?

AE- Ashleigh

JS- What was the song?

AE- Here.........

(Josh Rink...more of)

JS- That's nice

AE- Thank you

JS- Can you remember much about your childhood?

AE- We've already done that bit

JS- Oh yeah....so did you get the girl?

AE- No....another of my rationalistic attitudes is that it's not who you choose...it's who chooses you....and I figure that if she doesn't choose me then my own choice becomes invalid...in the philosophy of incorrigible metaphysics

JS- You do understand that I'm the acknowledged professional expert here, don't you?

AE- Yeah...but I'm writing the script

JS- Oh yeah

AE- Carry on

JS- So you gave up on the girl?

AE- Well I wouldn't say I 'gave up'. I'd say I respected her wishes to remain unspecified within the kingdoms of my own life

JS- You gave up?

AE- No....I walked on the ground she worshipped

JS- So you turned to David Essex? I like to call it 'david essex affectation desire'...or 'dead' When did you first notice this odd affliction?

AE- Firstly...I don't see it as an affliction. I'm not impersonating him...and I'm not using his songs for my own gain. I had never heard of him before I had my operation....but...suddenly...I was aware of his songs. I played an Unlucky Fried Kitten show...and...suddenly...half way through our acoustic version of Stravinsky's Symphony of Psalms...I broke into some song called Stardust.

JS- So you ditched a three-movement choral symphony for a soppy self-aggrandising sympathy seeking 70's pop song?

AE- Don't diss Dave m8

JS- Wow...how did you manage to speak in text-slang like that in an audible-only latitude?

AE- I'm writing the script

JS- Tell me how you went on to even RECORD Stardust?

AE- I was at an open mic night in Wembley...or Highbury...somewhere up there...and they didn't call it open mic night...or jam night...as we do down here...they called it 'bohemian expression unplanned warranty evening'...something like that. I had popped into McDonalds on the way up....long journey and all that....which produced a strange moment:

Mcdonalds girl: Sorry about the wait

Me: It's okay...it's not that heavy

McDonalds girl: No...I meant.....

Me; Yeah...I know

So I hit this open mic night and there was a guy there...from a band called Clinker.

JS- Never heard of them

AE- They don't support Westlife

JS- I am sure I'll not be checking their music out

AE- I am sure they will be pleased

JS- So you done a song with them?

Yeah...here



Pop Music '70's Poll

Who was your favourite pop star

See results

NOTE FROM ANDY (AUTHOR)

IF YOU LIKE THIS ARTICLE OR FOUND IT USEFUL OR ENTERTAINING IN ANY WAY WOULD YOU PLEASE SHARE IT FOR OTHERS TO SEE...AND PLEASE MAKE A COMMENT BELOW TO LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF IT....GOOD OR BAD


I would love to hear your thoughts on this article...so if you have any opinions to offer...or experiences or examples to share...please put them in the 'comments ' section below.


Perhaps you have your own story to tell ?

What do you think ?

How do you feel ?

What is your opinion ?

Are you working on something similar ?


I will respond to all comments and I look forward to hearing from you


Thank You


Andy



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