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The Perils of Bra Shopping

Updated on September 10, 2012
Taken at a Cinco de Mayo party, 5/5/10.  Notice the twins?? lol
Taken at a Cinco de Mayo party, 5/5/10. Notice the twins?? lol

funny short stories online


I’ll begin this essay - short story with a warning: If you’re a prude, you might be offended, and in the Deep South, we ladies are taught never to offend intentionally, so you are forewarned!


I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my breasts. You see, they began growing when I was just nine or ten, and this totally went against my plans of turning into a boy. Yes, I wanted to be a boy! More specifically, I wanted to be a cowboy. I dreamed of riding wild broncs, roping steers, driving cattle, and chasing outlaws through the Badlands. How could I do these activities with such flesh protruding from my chest? Remember, this was in the sixties – before women’s lib. Little girls weren’t allowed to do such things.


For years, I prayed every night for God to turn me into a boy. When I began to get my boobies, however, I finally accepted that this dream would not be realized. I was in denial for a while. I wore tight undershirts to try to hide the hateful breasts, but this didn’t work for long. By the sixth grade, I was forced to wear a bra.


Oh, how I hated those bras! I was the only girl in my class who had to wear one, and my boobies were getting a lot of attention. All the boys wanted to touch them. Of course, they knew better than to be overt, so they would try to “accidentally” brush up against them when we were standing in the lunch line or milling about in the hall, waiting to change classes.


By the time I reached the seventh or eighth grade, something happened. I no longer wanted to be a boy. Instead, I wanted to have a boyfriend. I began to realize that my budding breasts were an asset. I liked older guys, and my boobs helped me attract them.


As I grew older, my bazooms grew with me. By the time I was sixteen or seventeen, they were 38 Ds. I got married at eighteen and had my first child at nineteen, and by then, the boobies were ginormous. By the time I hit thirty, I was in an F cup. They continued expanding to their present size – a GG cup.


Have you ever shopped for a bra with a double-G cup?? It ain’t easy, my friends! For one thing, they’re devilish hard to find. And for another, they’re very expensive. Most of them are hideous, too.


I remember one day my best guy pal and I went shopping at a big mall when I was on a bra quest. I was perusing the bras on display when the saleslady approached.


“May I help you?”


“Yes, I need a bra.”


“Well, we have several nice ones here,” she explained.


“No, I need a real bra!”


“Ma’am, these are real bras. I don’t understand?”


“You know, the kind forged by a blacksmith. An industrial-strength bra. A 44 or 46 GG bra!”


The poor woman audibly gasped. She looked around furtively and said in a whisper, “Come with me.” She took me to a back room.


I felt like I was buying something on the black market – something illegal or at least taboo. There in a dark little cubbyhole were the bras I needed. The store had two in my size, and I bought both. The clerk stashed them into a plain brown bag before allowing me to go back in the store to the cash register. Wouldn’t want anyone to see these giant bras now, would we? I felt like I was transporting heroin or cocaine instead of something as mundane as undergarments.


Several years after this incident, I had another eventful bra-shopping adventure. It was Halloween, and a friend of ours was throwing a huge costume party. Our friends, Mark and Betty Jones, came over to our house, as we had decided to costume shop together. My husband, Johnny, had decided to go as a woman. He’s rather small for a man, and I’m a large lady, so he was going to wear one of my skirts and blouses, but he needed a bra, of course, so we loaded up and headed to our local Walmart.


Mark and I tried several bras on Johnny, much to the dismay of the middle-aged female clerks in the women’s lingerie department. They glared at us with much disdain as they whispered to each other behind their cupped hands. Can you believe that not a single clerk offered to help us?


Johnny couldn’t find a bra that suited him, so he ended up wearing one of mine. We filled the cups with beach towels, I think. We also had to pad his rear because the poor man has no butt. Honestly, he looks like a frog in a pair of pants! We used two small pillows for buttocks. We completed Hubby’s ensemble with a long blond wig and lots of makeup.


We had a blast at the party. As we were dancing, Mark kept grabbing Johnny’s pseudo-butt as a joke. Later in the evening, Johnny removed the ass pillows because they were annoying him, but Mark had no knowledge of the removal. Man, did he get a big surprise then when he grabbed what he thought was a pillow under the flowing black skirt! What a cad! He didn’t even offer to buy Johnny a beer before fondling him.


Actually, this story has a happy ending. I can now order my bras online, without having to embarrass anyone. And I’ve even found minimizer bras that help conceal the size of the twins.


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    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country

      Great story about a problem I have never come close to having.

      My mom had a gorgeous womanly figure. My Sis and I decided we must take after Dad in that department.

      You did a great telling of this-- who knew what might be hidden in the back rooms?

      You might be interested in my bra hub-- search "What's in your Bra". Obviously, you would not have room for anything extra.

      I don't think there was anything offensive in your hub, on the contrary-- funny and something many women can identify with.

    • Veronica Allen profile image

      Veronica Allen 6 years ago from Georgia

      Being a well-endowed woman myself (40DDD), I feel your pain. I hate bra shopping, but it is vital if I am going to help keep these things supported. I loved this story!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks, Rochelle! I'm going to read your hub now!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Lol, Veronica. Thanks for reading!

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

      Thank you, habee, for a good read and a great laugh. I was right the opposite. For years they did grow and inch. It was awful. So I know the aches and pains.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Glad you got a giggle, HH!

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 6 years ago from UK

      So when you take the twins out for a walk, or to the mall do you get a lot of people come up and want to play with them? :D

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 6 years ago

      I just wanted to take a peak. I mean a peek!

    • profile image

      SilverGenes 6 years ago

      I can definitely related to this - I remember going for a long run so I could remember what it felt like to be free because soon... shudder. And I had wanted to be a pirate sort of like Jack Sparrow. Thanks for the fun read with my coffee this morning! :-)

    • JenDobson27 profile image

      JenDobson27 6 years ago

      That's too funny! I'm glad I don't have that problem.

    • rprcarz50 profile image

      rprcarz50 6 years ago

      Hi Habee, I thought i'll just take a chance and read this one about something i know nothing about . Cause I'm a guy. You did a fine job with this topic and is very tasteful. What I do understand is how the boobs can be a problem if they are too big. My wife had that problem and had corrective surgery. It made her feel better about herself.

      Thank you for this hub and great work again !

      Ron

      as always also a2z50

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

      OMG - between your twins and De Greek's wife's pussy, I think I'm having a laughable week! Oy vey - and I thought I had troubles! As a friend of mine always says though...it beats them being 46 LONGS. I swear to God that my grandmother could throw hers over her shoulder and wrap them around her neck a couple of times - I still shudder when I think about seeing her in the bathtub because I was so afraid that would happen to me! I keep looking at mine and thinking 'up, up' - too hilarious! Thanks for the giggles - great writing and love the putting them in a brown bag....and Johnny at the party dressed as a woman - too bad we didn't know each other - I could have sent you some of Bob's bras and panties!

    • Zsuzsy Bee profile image

      Zsuzsy Bee 6 years ago from Ontario/Canada

      ... and once you finally find the right one, that's just the way it should be the company stops making them. Your Hub Habee is just too funny. Loved it.

      kindest regards Zsuzsy

    • lalesu profile image

      lalesu 6 years ago from south of the Mason-Dixon

      Oh, Habee! What a delightful story! I have no such problem, as I shop in the little girls section for my bras (not too much black lace w/matching thong to choose from there, lol), and any contour or cleavage that does appear to the naked eye is pure trickery; smoke and mirrors! You had me smiling, start to finish ;)

    • theherbivorehippi profile image

      theherbivorehippi 6 years ago from Holly, MI

      LMAO....OMG I am laughing so hard at your "bra/drug deal" adventure. Oh my gosh. You are the best! I needed a good laugh today.

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 6 years ago from United States

      Habee, What a riot! That was a very funny story and glad to hear you can order online. Good hub.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Yes, De Greek, they do. It's mostly just men, however! lol

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Great play on words, Mickey!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Hi, Silver! Cowboys, pirates, Daniel Boone, Great White hunters - anything adventurous and daring that men did, I wanted to do and be!

    • itakins profile image

      itakins 6 years ago from Irl

      Hilarious romp with you and your boobs-great fun .

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Consider yourself lucky, Jen!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Ron, it's great that you're an understanding husband!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Audrey - Bob's bra and panties???

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Zsuzsy, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Laura, I'm glad the hub made you smile!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Herbi, good to see you, my friend!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Yes, Pam, no more embarrassing the store clerks! lol

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Itakins, glad you enjoyed the ride with the twins!

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

      Of course I'm referring to the day Bob wore my Victoria's Secrets - seriously he's not a cross dresser, that I know of....I'm still laughing about 'the twins'.

    • katiem2 profile image

      katiem2 6 years ago from I'm outta here

      habee, great story, I can feel the pain from the other side of the spectrum, I'm 1 34 C and it's really hard to find a 34....hard indeed. Bra shopping is a painful process. We should start our own company. Peace :)

    • mulberry1 profile image

      mulberry1 6 years ago

      Hilarious! I can't imagine, I bet they get in the way of a number of things though...like running. But, they also have their advantages. Thank goodness for shopping online, otherwise I think I would be buying bras in mass quantities so that I seldom had to shop for them.

    • Tara Tufford profile image

      Tara Tufford 6 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

      I absolutely hate bra shopping and I suppose I will share with everyone as to why:) I am a fairly small cup, but I have also had 3 children, so they are awkward anyways! I have no idea what size I wear, and I swear to you that is totally true! When I go bra shopping, I find the nearest woman and ask her to check the tag on my bra...and the woman looks at me like I am crazy but I can usually find someone that will help me:) First time I ever went shopping with my boyfriend and just happened to remember that I needed a bra, he too looked at my tag and then to me like "how do you not know what size bra you wear?" He didn't say it, but I know what he was thinking:)

      Great Hub! Thanks!

    • sunflowerbucky profile image

      sunflowerbucky 6 years ago from Small Town, USA

      Funny hub Habee. I think I should have my daughter read this, who is praying in vain for her boobies to make an appearance!

    • nancy_30 profile image

      nancy_30 6 years ago from Georgia

      This was so funny Habee. I didn't have the same problem, I was a late bloomer, but I still hate to shop for bras.

    • DzyMsLizzy profile image

      Liz Elias 6 years ago from Oakley, CA

      Super-funny read. No offense, and I don't see how anyone could take offense. Well done story. I don't have that particular problem, but my size has changed over the years. I just **love** the instructions for finding the correct size, "measure yourself over a well-fitting bra..." .. Hmm... well, if I HAD any that still fit 'well,' I wouldn't be shopping for a new one, now, would I???!! Ya think maybe that instruction was written by MEN???

      Sheesh! The things we women have to put up with!!

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      Thanks for a hub that made me laugh and cry at the same time!

    • Granny's House profile image

      Granny's House 6 years ago from Older and Hopefully Wiser Time

      habee, funny and true. I know what you mean about after you have kids. I am thinking of getting a breast reduction. I am starting to get bad back aches. I know a few woman that have done it and they are happy they did. My husband it not too happy though. lol

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      I was just teasing you, Audrey!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      I'm game, Katie! What shall we call our business?

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Mulberry, running would give me two black eyes!!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Tara, that's funny! Thanks for reading!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Yes, Sunny, make her read this!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Yeah, Nancy, it's the pits!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Lizzy, that is too funny! They HAD to be written by a man!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Howdy, Bpop! I sure enjoyed breakfast this morning!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Granny, I addressed reduction surgery in one of my boob hubs. You need to read it before going under the knife!

    • ethel smith profile image

      Eileen Kersey 6 years ago from Kingston-Upon-Hull

      Well told Habee lol. The start sounds like me as a young girl.

      Fun story, as it grew

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Glad you enjoyed it, Eth!

    • crazybeanrider profile image

      Boo McCourt 6 years ago from Washington MI

      LOL! Great story, well done. I don't have this bra problem, I just buy sports bras and be done. But have a friend who went through the very same thing, and thanks to the internet she is a happy lady now. Your bra tale was a very enjoyable read. Especially for a everything is going wrong Monday!

    • sheila b. profile image

      sheila b. 6 years ago

      I missed this one, just found it on the hot hubs list. I think I must be different from most women - I lost size as I had my children. As I was reading your hilarious story, though, I was remended of when my daughter-in-law had her baby and asked me to bring her a bra when I went to visit at the hospital. She's well endowed, and as you said, I couldn't find anything pretty.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Ha! thanks, beanie!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Right, sheila! I should start my own big bra company! lol

    • profile image

      Applecandy 6 years ago

      What a classic hub! I love your use of humour and reality in discussing a subject that is for so many taboo, when in all honesty what you're explaining happens to real women, every day all over the world!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Exactly, Apple! Glad you liked it!

    • Grills Guy profile image

      Grills Guy 6 years ago from Santa Cruz

      Great hub, made me laugh the whole way.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Guy, I'm glad it gave you some chucks!

    • mtkomori profile image

      mtkomori 6 years ago from Yokohama, Japan

      This was very humorous and enjoyable! Had a good laugh when you said all the boys tried to touch your breasts in lunch line or in the hallways! I won't ever have a problem similar to yours, since most Asians have small breasts, myself included. I was always very self conscious of my breasts since I went to an international school and the girls who weren't Asian had fairly noticeable breasts. But you were self conscious about your breasts too, it seems like..guess we're all bound to be self conscious about some aspect of our bodies, even celebrities, who seemingly have perfect bodies.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      You're right, mtkomori. I guess anything that makes us different from others makes us self conscious. Thanks for reading!

    • Shinkicker profile image

      Shinkicker 6 years ago from Scotland

      Funny story habee

      Glad you can buy online now for the 'over-shoulder-boulder-holders' :-)

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks, Shin - love your handle!

    • 2patricias profile image

      2patricias 6 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

      Thanks for sharing such a funny story! We think probably every woman has at least one funny bra- story. Although there are some who might not see the funny side. It's much easier to get through life by just laughing .

    • ahostagesituation profile image

      SJR 6 years ago

      Freaking awesome. I thought 36 DD's were bad enough. Funny, how at some point I wanted big boobs, until I got them in my late teens. I live in California, and everytime I hear of some chick who is off to get her implants I want to trap her in a room and show her a filmstrip on the disadvantages. They whine about how I don't know what it is to be flat chested (nor would I want to), but big boobs can mean big problems. Did I just put my bra size on the internet? Awesome hub!!! Great writing!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Ya gotta laugh to keep from crying, 2pat!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Hostage, they don't realize how lucky they are!

    • rgarnett profile image

      Rachael Fields 6 years ago from KC, MO

      Awesome hub! I am so glad I found this - so hilarious. Poor thing, I can't even imagine having boobs so large. Here I thought mine were a burden! Thanks for the laugh :)

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Glad you enjoyed it, rgarnett!

    • Dr Sharon Schuetz profile image

      Dr Sharon Schuetz 6 years ago

      This was great. I would love to put in in WOW-Women Magazine, if you don't mind. I think our readers will get a kick out of it. Please let me know if it's okay to do so. Most people think of the to "little" problem, but few are aware of the flip-side. Thanks for the laugh.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      That would be awesome, Sharon!! Could a link to my hub profile or this hub be included?

    • Dr Sharon Schuetz profile image

      Dr Sharon Schuetz 6 years ago

      Sure. I'd be glad to.

    • Dr Sharon Schuetz profile image

      Dr Sharon Schuetz 6 years ago

      Here is the link to the article in WOW-Women Magazine. http://wow-women.com/?p=937

      I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I did.

    • |Pranshu| profile image

      Intellikid 6 years ago from The Information SuperHighway

      Great hub Habee. Gave me some laughs. Very Original.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Sharon, thanks a bunch!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Glad you enjoyed it, Pranshu!

    • sam3m profile image

      sam3m 6 years ago from New York

      As a fan of both breasts and humor, thanks for the read. Much appreciated and well done.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      lol, you sound like my hubby!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks for reading, Peaches!

    • profile image

      jenubouka 5 years ago

      I do not have this problem....I once had big bazooms that were filled with milk that my son stole, I now find all my needs in the training bra section.

      And I get weird looks at Walmart too...

    • profile image

      pussy 4 years ago

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    • profile image

      madan kumar 4 years ago

      I have boobs so as a male I purchased a bra to hide them but within two years the size of cup was c from b Now I regularly wear a bra. not afraid of anybody to put comments. It is a need not a just for fun/

    • profile image

      LosectinWinders 2 years ago

      Habee, What a riot! That was a very funny story and glad to hear you can order online. Good hub.

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