ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The Perils of Bra Shopping

Updated on September 10, 2012
Taken at a Cinco de Mayo party, 5/5/10.  Notice the twins?? lol
Taken at a Cinco de Mayo party, 5/5/10. Notice the twins?? lol

funny short stories online


I’ll begin this essay - short story with a warning: If you’re a prude, you might be offended, and in the Deep South, we ladies are taught never to offend intentionally, so you are forewarned!


I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my breasts. You see, they began growing when I was just nine or ten, and this totally went against my plans of turning into a boy. Yes, I wanted to be a boy! More specifically, I wanted to be a cowboy. I dreamed of riding wild broncs, roping steers, driving cattle, and chasing outlaws through the Badlands. How could I do these activities with such flesh protruding from my chest? Remember, this was in the sixties – before women’s lib. Little girls weren’t allowed to do such things.


For years, I prayed every night for God to turn me into a boy. When I began to get my boobies, however, I finally accepted that this dream would not be realized. I was in denial for a while. I wore tight undershirts to try to hide the hateful breasts, but this didn’t work for long. By the sixth grade, I was forced to wear a bra.


Oh, how I hated those bras! I was the only girl in my class who had to wear one, and my boobies were getting a lot of attention. All the boys wanted to touch them. Of course, they knew better than to be overt, so they would try to “accidentally” brush up against them when we were standing in the lunch line or milling about in the hall, waiting to change classes.


By the time I reached the seventh or eighth grade, something happened. I no longer wanted to be a boy. Instead, I wanted to have a boyfriend. I began to realize that my budding breasts were an asset. I liked older guys, and my boobs helped me attract them.


As I grew older, my bazooms grew with me. By the time I was sixteen or seventeen, they were 38 Ds. I got married at eighteen and had my first child at nineteen, and by then, the boobies were ginormous. By the time I hit thirty, I was in an F cup. They continued expanding to their present size – a GG cup.


Have you ever shopped for a bra with a double-G cup?? It ain’t easy, my friends! For one thing, they’re devilish hard to find. And for another, they’re very expensive. Most of them are hideous, too.


I remember one day my best guy pal and I went shopping at a big mall when I was on a bra quest. I was perusing the bras on display when the saleslady approached.


“May I help you?”


“Yes, I need a bra.”


“Well, we have several nice ones here,” she explained.


“No, I need a real bra!”


“Ma’am, these are real bras. I don’t understand?”


“You know, the kind forged by a blacksmith. An industrial-strength bra. A 44 or 46 GG bra!”


The poor woman audibly gasped. She looked around furtively and said in a whisper, “Come with me.” She took me to a back room.


I felt like I was buying something on the black market – something illegal or at least taboo. There in a dark little cubbyhole were the bras I needed. The store had two in my size, and I bought both. The clerk stashed them into a plain brown bag before allowing me to go back in the store to the cash register. Wouldn’t want anyone to see these giant bras now, would we? I felt like I was transporting heroin or cocaine instead of something as mundane as undergarments.


Several years after this incident, I had another eventful bra-shopping adventure. It was Halloween, and a friend of ours was throwing a huge costume party. Our friends, Mark and Betty Jones, came over to our house, as we had decided to costume shop together. My husband, Johnny, had decided to go as a woman. He’s rather small for a man, and I’m a large lady, so he was going to wear one of my skirts and blouses, but he needed a bra, of course, so we loaded up and headed to our local Walmart.


Mark and I tried several bras on Johnny, much to the dismay of the middle-aged female clerks in the women’s lingerie department. They glared at us with much disdain as they whispered to each other behind their cupped hands. Can you believe that not a single clerk offered to help us?


Johnny couldn’t find a bra that suited him, so he ended up wearing one of mine. We filled the cups with beach towels, I think. We also had to pad his rear because the poor man has no butt. Honestly, he looks like a frog in a pair of pants! We used two small pillows for buttocks. We completed Hubby’s ensemble with a long blond wig and lots of makeup.


We had a blast at the party. As we were dancing, Mark kept grabbing Johnny’s pseudo-butt as a joke. Later in the evening, Johnny removed the ass pillows because they were annoying him, but Mark had no knowledge of the removal. Man, did he get a big surprise then when he grabbed what he thought was a pillow under the flowing black skirt! What a cad! He didn’t even offer to buy Johnny a beer before fondling him.


Actually, this story has a happy ending. I can now order my bras online, without having to embarrass anyone. And I’ve even found minimizer bras that help conceal the size of the twins.


working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)