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The Real Housewives of Star Wars Shores
(In honor of the passing of the irreplaceable Carrie Fisher who will now be rejoining the rebel alliance in a galaxy far, far away in the eternity.)
Let's join the next episode of “The Real Housewives of Star Wars”, starring Princess Leia Solo, the wife of Han Solo, Mrs. Hoda Yoda, the wife of Jedi Yoda, Mrs. Eve Vader, the wife of Darth Vader, and Mrs. Kookoo Dooku, the wife of Count Dooku, Mrs. Larda Hut, the wife of Jabba the Hut, and guest starring the newest cosmic sensation, Jir Jir Binks, the wife of Jar Jar.
Larda the Hut: Hey, sugar pus, are we ever going to see that money you deadbeats owe us?
Leia: What money, Lardy?
Larda: You know perfectly well what money, and the name is Larda, not Lardy.
Leia: Well if you stopped stuffing your face 5 times a day maybe I wouldn’t mistake you for a tub of lard.
Larda: It’s not what I eat…. It’s the hormones. Besides, I’m naturally big boned.
Leia Solo: Big boned, planet sized, same difference. If you don’t get Jabba off my husband’s back we are going to have a problem so help me the force.
Jir Jir Binks: Misa Moosa mooey he eatsa de pizza.
Jir Jir Binks: I says misa moosa mooey he eatsa de pizza.
Leia: I have no idea what the hell you are talking about. And what’s worse, I can’t tell that’s because you’re drunk again or just because this is how you normally talk.
Hoda Yoda: Alcohol he drinks, and drunk is he.
Leia: If so say you… I mean if you say so. Why do you Yodas talk like this? I had never heard of a dyslexic jedi until I met your husband but why do you have to talk like him too?
Hoda Yoda: Because if like this I talk don’t, divorce me he shall.
Leia: Hoda, I’m saying this as a friend. How long have you two been married now?
Hoda Yoda: Year 750 a little over.
Leia: So it’s your diamond times ten. Don’t you think it’s time you grew a backbone and stood on your own two feet instead of under the shadow of that hairy teddy bear?
Hoda Yoda: And all the goodies give up?
Eve Vader: Join me and the dark side and you shall never have to give up any goodies. Together we shall rule this side of the street.
Hoda: Away from me stay.
Eve Vader: Hoda, I am your sister.
Leia: Settle down!!! She doesn’t mean literally. She means like a sorority sister.
Eve Vader: Trust your feelings. You never received an anniversary gift from him. Join me and I will complete your wedding registry.
Leia: Do you Vaders always have to be in recruiting mode?
Eve Vader: I find your lack of respect disturbing. Technically you are a Vader yourself.
Eve Vader: Being married to your father technically I am your mother.
Leia: I recognized your foul stench when I first entered this room.
Eve Vader: Oh my God! You’re so mean. That’s my new perfume, Dior J’adore L’Absolu Evil. Did you actually say that? I’m like REALLY????
Jir Jir Binks: Yousa no needs be no drama momma… Missa moosa oosa.
Hoda Yoda: Smell pungent you do.
Larda: My husband wants his money… When are you going to pay it back?
Leia: Man, I need a drink.