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The Story of Ultimate Storiness

Updated on April 21, 2012


[If perfection was a story then it would be this story]

This never happens in this story.
This never happens in this story. | Source

Once upon a time a gigantic dog-faced boy was walking down the street.

“Yo quiero bell de taco,” The gigantic dog-faced boy said to a neighbor.

The neighbor said, “Get out of my face weirdo!” The dog-faced boy began to cry and ran to the neighbor and squeezed his leg. “What are you doing?” the neighbor screamed.

“I’m sad and I’m all out of drugs.”

“What!?” The neighbor pulled a shotgun from under his dead mother’s corpse and yelled, “nobody move! Open the cash register and give me everything you got.”

Then Supper-man came and said, “unhand that fair maiden or I shall strike thee with the power of Excalibur.” But the dragon would not for he was to be crowned king. Supper-man said, “I want the golden tooth.”

The dragon said, “You can’t handle the tooth.” Then Middle-aged-man leaped into action.

“Let me go!” said the banana as King Kong bit the dust.


“But behold my limbs are still intact.”

But just as things seemed to calm down, Satan burst from the mouths of hell. He said, “I AM SATAN AND I, damn it I left my shoes in there.” Satan then ripped himself back into the earth seeking his shoes. Suddenly Speedy Racer came racing by.

Then a deep voice sprang up from the Earth, “DAMN IT, I left my keys out there. Hey if anyone can hear me, could you get my keys? I can’t get out and it’s really hot down here. They should be by that bush there, please… somebody?” Monkey Mouse yelled to himself and said something.

Then Satan slammed with all his might and struck a huge gaping hole in the planet. He leaped out of the ground and his fancy shoes (size 204 tripple F for those who care) slammed onto the hard soil. “YOU DIDN’T GET ME MY KEYS! PREPARE TO DIE!” The apocalypse started early that day. Satan’s eyes began to glow with the heat of the sun. A beam shot from his cranium and out sprang huge beasts all with different characteristics. God saw this and knew something had to be done. God summoned his people of earth to exterminate the beasts. So like a huge army of ants they marched to the first hideous beast. The beast had five eyes and one enormous nostril. Satan called upon it, “TOOTSIE I COMMAND THEE TO RID OF THESE INFERIOR BEINGS!” The beast leaped upon thousands of people killing them instantly. The world was doomed for if one beast could be exterminated, there still would be six more.

But then from the war fog appeared the one and only Supper-man. Supper-man thrust his clenched fist into the abdominal gut of Tootsie. This caused the creature from hell little pain. Tootsie swung his hand and hit Supper-man into a mountain. This left a huge hole in Supper-man’s head. The blood gushed plentifully upon the mountainside. This enraged the people and encouraged them to kill the creatures with no mercy, but they knew they could not do it alone.

“Bah humbug!” yelled Scrooge as he stomped toward the beast. Then something happened and then all of the sudden something really exiting happened and then someone died. More stuff happened.

The next day almost everyone (people wise) was dead. The beasts began searching for the people that hid. When a beast found someone, they would tear him or her to shreds and then devour them. But low among the darkened earth peered the eyes of not one but many. As the beasts pounced toward the glow, they saw it was the dragon, Monkey Mouse, and Speedy Racer. The group of heroic beings called themselves ‘The Stinking Paws of The Damn Dirty Apes.’ The first beast to challenge them was Bartholomew. Bartholomew had mastered the art of fire. He lobbed a slab of molten lava into the poisoned air. The dragon (Arthur) was quick to reply with an exhausting breath of flame. The gust was successful in reflecting the lava back to the creature but the inferno of heat only made Bartholomew more powerful. All the other beasts stopped what they were doing to see the battle. The beasts lined up behind Bartholomew. There were a total of seven beasts. They all introduced themselves.

“I’ve mastered fire, my name is Bartholomew.”

“My name is Tootsie, I’m a master of ice.”

“My name is Clumpy, I’ve mastered Earth.”

“Duh I’m Uh I Forget and I’ve mastered deformities.”

“My name is Supercalafrajalistikexpealidoshous, I’ve master electricity.”

“Sparrow, I’ve mastered wind.”

“And I’m Peen Esez and I’ve mastered water.” Well things happened and the dragon, Speedy Racer and Monkey all died and were slowly digested in the guts of the beasts.

But then Middle-aged-man and King Kong stepped up to challenge the beasts. And they died too. Finally the world was over, every body, every soul was trapped in the stomachs of the beasts. Then the roller coaster fell off the tracks and the train was in pursuit. The elephant couldn’t because the fire hydrant was too high for the puppy to see over to go to great America is like farting words of pure English. The neighbor threw his dead mother’s corpse at the beast of fire. This distracted Bartholomew and then the neighbor went crazy. Shooting his gun in a mall, now that’s ludicrous. The police arrested him immediately.

Then as if it never occurred to the gigantic dog-faced boy he was gay (like dumbledore; happy that is). So somehow the gigantic dog-faced boy managed to get Bartholomew to throw a fatal blow to Tootsie and evaporate Peen Esez, Sparrow to blow out Bartholomew, Clumpy to swallow Sparrow, Duh I’m Uh I Forget to deform Clumpy, Supercalafrajalistikexpealidoshous to electrocute Duh I’m Uh I Forget, and Supercalafrajalistikexpealidoshous to explode. The trees grew back and Medusa was now dead, but be mindful, her head can still turn you to stone. “RUN!” “RUN BEFORE YOU DIE!” But the gigantic dog-faced boy was too late and died. And they lived happily ever after.

The E…


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