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The Stupidest "Wise Sayings" Known to Man and How to Improve Them 3

Updated on August 2, 2009

What began with me dusting off an old notebook full of 'funny notes' I once wrote and putting them on hubpages with ridiculous stick figure diagram accompaniment and lots of angry ranting has become a three-hub-page epic tirade about all of those idiotic 'wise' saying we use in our society and their HORRENDOUS stupidity. PLEASE stay tuned, or stay sitting in your computer chair, and get something to eat, because it'll be hilarious to me if you spray food all over your computer screen. Don't bother me with the logic that I won't even know if that happens, AND I just warned you of my own diabolical plan, everyone knows diabolical plans are made by GENIUSSES, which no reader would understand. *Epic Pose*

Now, we dive in. OUR FIRST ENCAPSULATED DOME OF IDIOCY (Aka 'wise saying'):

"The early bird gets the worm."

What we draw from our saying: Be early. Early people get good things, like a raise, or a worm, assuming that's what they like to eat. I hear they're high in protein and great with hot sauce.

Here's what I have to say about that. The early bird may get the worm... but the second mouse gets the cheese.

THERE'S some wisdom for you. Next time someone says 'the early bird gets the wooo-ooorm' in that sing-songy voice that just makes you want to dump needles down their throat, just throw that little situation out there, and watch their brain boil a little bit while they work that out. More evidence of the stupidity of this saying can be found by watching news reports around black Friday. Does the saying go "The early bird gets crushed to death by angry rampaging shoppers because he was there first, and right in front of the doors waiting for the 'early bird' special?" I think not.

Ok maybe the dumping the needles down the throat was a bit much, but a guy gets carried away. Its the angry Irish side of me. MOVING ON.

[In all fairness, my buddy Phil heard that saying somewhere and told me about it, but who knows where he heard it from. I don't want to pull a Carlos Mencia, so there you are. :) ]

Here's a parent favorite: "Quitters never win." See, when someone uses this saying, you're usually pissed off to begin with because you're losing something, THEN they have to go and pull that on you. I say all we really need to do is re-evaluate our goals, and then quitters can win quite often.

Let us analyze. If you're running a marathon:

If you're a freak that likes to run like amazing stick athlete #3, yes, if you quit, you will not win. But if you're anything like a normal American?

Your victory lies in more concrete places, which I applaud you for. Sure, you didn't win the marathon, but you DID get a cheeseburger. I mean, THAT'S pretty win. I like cheeseburgers.  Much better than worms... even with hot sauce.  Besides, what if there's a mad axe murderer at the finish line? Didn't think of that situation, now DID we? Who wins this confrontation? That's right... our cheeseburger craving "quitter." Need I go back to the mice?

That's right... Next time someone says "Quitters never win" you can pull out a whole bunch of examples where the 'winner' is the person who's screwed, like a bomb eating contest, or an acid-diving competition, and when they call you out on how those competitions don't exist, just feed them a bomb. When they blow up say 'you win! ... See my point?'

Oh, and one more analysis, by request. I can't let our knowledge craving public remain uneducated. The "Rule of thumb" saying. Firstly, this is the imagery I just can't get out of my head...

Look at that angry little thumb! Brandishing his little scepter and doing his ruling over his little thumb kingdom full of hand calluses and digits! ... Assuming you can actually tell that that's a thumb. It has a crown and a scepter, in case that helps. Anyway, A.D.D. off, back to our saying. We're talking about when someone says "Oh, the rule of thumb here is ..." and they go on to name something that has nothing to do with thumbs or rules. WELL. A little history lesson for you - this saying may have come about because back in the day, there was a beautiful, beautiful law drafted that said it was legal for men to beat their wives with a stick no wider than their thumb. (Boondock Saints, anyone, anyone?) The BEST part is APPARENTLY this law was drafted not out of concern for women's injuries, but because if it were any wider the women would make too much racket and keep up the neighbors with their INCESSANT wailing, which no one really wants.

This is legit, I mean, wife beating needs SOME regulation, we can't just let law and order fly to the winds and allow wife beating with any sized stick, this is civilization we're talking about. It would defeat the purpose really, they were probably being beaten for their annoyance factor anyway if I have any knowledge of husband/wife relations in the 16th century. Shame they repealed that law really... There are some wife beaters today that I'm SURE could use a little guidance... their poor neighbors.

Until next time, my knowledge craving public, your knight of laptop justice bids you farewell.


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    • profile image

      Betsey 3 years ago

      Awesome you should think of soemthing like that

    • profile image

      Lavigne 3 years ago

      Grade A stuff. I'm unueistqonably in your debt.

    • profile image

      Maureen Maina 7 years ago

      Ahahahahahahaha...el classico...

    • Dale Nelson profile image

      Dale Nelson 8 years ago from South Africa

      That's a classic man.Hope you don't mind if I print it and hang it on my office noticeboard.

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 8 years ago from Chicago

      Very funny and interesrting Hub, bro'. I enjoyed it. Thanks.

    • j.arnold34 profile image

      j.arnold34 8 years ago

      ... Logic, logic R.B. ... When have male lawmakers EVER used that...

      Laziness is the first rule of men. Its much easier to just remember to use a smaller stick than go through ALL that trouble of gagging the lady... besides... she might bite you, and who knows what infections the creature might have... ;)

      Btw, nice on the underwear hub... your general male population didn't read a word of it with all those pictures along the side though, I might warn you. Maybe that's just me though cuz I'm young and my chemicals still leave my brain and go somewhere else.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Love the illustrations!

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      J. you slay me. Seems to me it would have been equally effective to pass a law that stated, "one must always gag ones wife before administering male dominance brandishing." That would have been quieter, I think.


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