The Worst Christmas Songs of All-Time
I thought long and hard all year about what I would ask Santa to bring me for Christmas 2010. After a couple months of careful contemplation, I came up completely empty. I thought I was being rather unselfish by not making a long Christmas list this year, but Santa obviously had other ideas.
I'm sick, kids! Yep. In lieu of an HDTV or a couple cool videogames, ol' Kris Kringle got me a box of bronchitis and a stocking laced with laryngitis. Seriously, it hurts to even breathe right now and my voice sounds like Louie Armstrong gargling razor blades.
It's probably too late, but all I want for Christmas at the moment is a good HMO, or maybe a nice big bag of Halls menthol drops. Sure, they taste a little like peppermint candies that someone peed on, but when one feels the way I do at this moment, urine-drenched lozenges will work so long as there's at least a slight possibilty I'll feel better afterward.
At any rate, the reason I mention all this is as a pre-emptive apology for the snarkiness that pervades the random key presses published below. My general demeanor of sunshiney sweetness is a little more subdued in this one, especially when compared to the usual unreadable ramblings I publish here, mostly in the fading hopes that someone will actually read them.
The music that accompanies the beloved Christmas season is one of the things that can put a person in the truest form of holiday spirit. Or not.
What follows is a list of completely terrible Christmas songs that are better left off your party playlist this year...or any other. Prepare for a sonic suckfest containing the most epically awful Christmas tunes around, in my opinion anyway.
Here's hoping there's some earplugs under your tree this year.
On with the list!
My Favorite Things
Rodgers and Hammerstein's unbearably melancholy show-tune tends to make the radio rounds each Christmas, though the reason it's a part of the holiday season is one of life's little mysteries.
The great Julie Andrews' version is by far the most popular, but even when warbled by one of the most beautiful voices in human history, this song totally sucks.
After hearing it at least eight million times over the course of my relatively brief life, I've come to the conclusion that this aural abomination has less to do with Christmas than a partridge in a pear tree full of pagans. It's a song about unrequited love that's lonelier than Susan Boyle in a dress made solely out of mistletoe.
For such a joyful time of year, it's just plain odd to me that this sad-sack song gets so much airplay.
Want to know what one of my favorite things is? Ice cream!
Oh, and never having to listen to this whiny garbage befoul my gentle eardrums ever again. Yeah, that too.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Written by Tommie Connor in 1952, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus is one of the world's best known novelty Christmas songs. Likely the most famous version is the Jackson 5's ubiquitous cover, though the song has a spot on just about every musical artist's Christmas album.
There's nothing really wrong with the song as it's written; in fact, it's kind of cute. Catching your mother slapping a big smooch on Santa is something every kid can relate to at Christmas, and with just a few modifications, one could turn this tune into something heard year-round. I'd call it I Saw Momma Make a Baby With the Mailman, but that's just me. You can put your own life-altering traumatic instances wherever you please.
Aside from penning my own holiday classic, I need to take this opportunity to address one very important pet peeve I have with this song: Only children should sing it! I'm looking directly at you, Mr. Johnny Cougar Mellencamp. Having an adult belt out his feelings about catching his mom's affair with an obese old man is just...creepy.
And so is referring to Santa as "Santie." Are you really on good enough terms with ol' St. Nick that nicknames are cool? Do you know him? Does he call you at home? Do you have a dorsal fin!?!? Okay, actually that's a bit of out-of-place, nonsensical Ace Ventura dialog, but I believed it to be necessary in this instance.
Just leave this one for the kids and stop pretending you're best friends with the old guy from the North Pole. You may as well start referring to Jesus as "Jeezy Christmeister" or something - which sounds like a really bad idea, especially if you're still entertaining thoughts of getting into Heaven someday.
When two thirds of Wilson Phillips get together to record a Christmas tune, the chances of something good coming out of the recording session are a crapshoot at best.
And man, is this song some Grade-A Christmas crap. Insipid lyrics, a stomach-turning musical accompaniement and vocals that, more often than not, result in accidental auditory castration, all combine to form a Christmas tune that has no place at Christmas or any other holiday.
As an aside, this song - as well as the entirety of the Wilson Phillips music catalog - plays in every single one of Hell's elevators. All the time. Along with graphic videos of Carnie Wilson's gastric bypass surgery.
No, I don't know how I know that.
As is the case with many of the songs on this extremely stupid list, Winter Wonderland has been done to death over the years, pretty much by everyone with a pair of vocal cords and some small understanding of copyright laws and public domain works. Even Elvis Presley, the King himself, got in on the act, mumbling his way through this nightmarish holiday homicide.
But is it really that bad? Well, here's a few of the song lyrics. Talk amongst yourselves.
In the meadow, we can build a snowman
We'll pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say 'Are you married?' we'll say, 'No, man'
'But you can do the job while you're in town.'
Later on, we'll conspire
As we dream by the fire
A beautiful sight, so happy tonight
Walking in a winter wonderland...
Oh, for the love of God, just shoot me where I stand. I hate this song far too much to actually do some research and find out who wrote it, but suffice to say, this is awful, pointless and every single version ever recorded should be deemed illegal to own.
I think the part that grates on my nerves the most - and that's really saying something - is that whole deal with whoever the hell Parson Brown is. Why is he marrying folks in the middle of a snowy field? There has to be a perfectly good courthouse somewhere. Also, why do some versions include a verse that mentions a circus clown? Why would the songwriter have to not only pen the worst lyrics known to mankind, but also make references to Earth's scariest circus personality?
You know your song is terrible - clowns or no - when not even Elvis can make it tolerable for more than two nanoseconds. And as a matter of fact, I just so happen to have the following quote from the ghost of "The King" himself:
"Well, man, that song's just a hunka-hunka burnin' monkey shit. Thank ya. Thank ya very much."
All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
Another awful novelty song no one ever needs to hear again, All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth was first recorded way back in 1944. Apparently, that was before affordable dental plans.
And that's it. That's all I've got. I was going to try to make jokes about gingivitis and the fact that a toothbrush costs about as much a candy bar, but it just wasn't coming together. Anyway, I guess my point in all this is just take care of your toofers. It's not that hard, and if you manage to lose a few in spite of your best efforts to care for them, please don't make a song about it.
The only folks who think tooth loss is funny are licensed dentists and people from Arkansas.
Little Drummer Boy
I was fully prepared to totally trash this one, due in no small part to Bob Seger's ear-blisteringly awful rendition...then I stumbled upon this.
Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus. And the proof is that stocking full of sweet, sweet awesomeness right there.
Merry Christmas to you all, and God bless us, every one!
Published December 22, 2010
Revised November 7, 2011
Revised November 29, 2011