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The secret to getting pregnant

Updated on November 13, 2009

Listen up wannabe mamas, here's the real secret to getting pregnant!

I never planned on getting pregnant, but here I am, 26 years old and the mother of a beautiful intelligent 17 month old baby boy. He's actually more of a toddler now really, a walking talking climbing miniature version of his father. The little dear was a total accident, or a surprise as we'll later tell him, a result of the secret to getting pregnant that I happened to stumble across without any real thought. His father and I had been in an intimate relationship for close to three years and I'd never been on birth control and me with a latex allergy our intimate evenings consisted of russian roulette. Pregnancy tests were tossed in the garbage every month that aunt flow decided to show up after her expected arrival, with a highly anticipated one line and a wipe of sweat from both our brows. Yep neither of us were ready to have our heads blown off, but we still decided it was a good idea to play with a loaded gun without the safety on... life's so much more exciting living on the edge never knowing what to expect right?

We spent close to two and a half years playing with fire and I kept wondering why we never got burned, maybe secretly deep within my subconscious I wanted to be engulfed by the flames? I don't really know, all I know is we kept on truckin'. I honestly started to wonder which one of us was infertile, just before our end of summer vacation I mentioned that when we got back we should go to the doctor and just find out which one of us was unable to produce a spawn. A month after we'd got back from our vacation that fateful year, again the crimson tide late rollin' in. No biggie, happened almost every month. A week past, 10 days past.... 12 days past, started feeling kind of funny, did a bullet actually fire this time? It was time... time to piss on yet another $20 and throw it in the trash, by this point I might as well have sponsored an ethiopian family for a million years or even a whole village.

There I was at my small town pharmacy shedding out over $30 for two pregnancy tests, by this time I was a pee test jedi, you gotta go for the 2 rather than just one, because you know that there is no way you are going to wait until the morning to take the first test. Hell you might as well whip down your pants before you hit the cash register and give it a dribble, too bad you gotta catch it midstream. So there I am opening the box as I'm walking in the front door, because it was a 30 minute drive home and I gotta go gotta go gotta go right now, and I am going to go on this stick whether I have to tear the package open with my teeth, because I have to go sooo bad, you know the sooo bad where you're holding your crotch because you feel like you're going to burst... so I bust the cap off the test just in time to catch it midstream. Horray, no little pink cross for me... oh oh oh... wait... there it goes, no way, it had to be a dud. I'd never seen that second line come up before, this had to be a mistake.

Of course pregnancy hormones had probably already kicked in, how could I make a mistake peeing on a stick? Anyway I went to the kitchen downed half a litre of water and waited, I'd like to say patiently but I was pacing the living room like a horse at the track chompin' at the bit. Finally! my bladder told me yes, and god showed up in the form of a little pink cross to remind me not to doubt the reproductive system he installed in my being. Two tests couldn't be duds, and how could I mess up peeing on two sticks? I began to digest my findings and prepared to tell my fellow gamer that its game over in 9 months. I think he was actually stoked that he still had 9 months left on his subscription.

So ladies there it is, the secret to getting pregnant... say it out loud, "which one of us is infertile? lets go get checked out!" or "I can't have kids" to be honest I should have known those words would cause the inevitable, because in fact exactly a year before I said them, a friend of mine said them, and then a couple weeks later found out she was expecting unexpectedly... so tell just yourself, hell even tell all your friends either you or your partner is infertile and keep on playing with that loaded gun, make sure the safety is off!


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