The story behind writing 'Closed Doors'

In April 2017, it was the middle of the afternoon, I was walking my dog and I received a phone call from my mother.

When I had answered she told me "I don't want you to panic, but you need to come to the hospital, nan is ill and the doctor has told me to get the family together".

My heart literally stopped! but I composed myself and told my mother that it's going to be ok and that I was on my way.

By the time I got to the hospital, the rest of the family were already there, many faces that I had not seen for many years.

When I entered the room, my nan was on a ventilation machine.

I approached my nan's bedside and told her that I was here and held her hand. Unexpectantly she opened her eyes.

My nan and I got a very strong bond, so this was no surprise to me.

She pulled me towards her in an attempt to kiss me but she had the ventilation mask on. She tried to say something but I couldn't make out what, as her speech was slurred from the medication that she was given.

After sitting with my nan and taking turns with the rest of my family to sit with her, the word from her doctor was that she was stable and doing a lot better. From this relief, I decided to leave the hospital with my girlfriend, shortly after.

We must have been asleep for no longer than 20 minutes when my phone rang. Again, it was my mother and she had said: "Nan has taken a turn for the worst, you need to come back to the hospital".

When we had arrived back to the hospital, my nan had been moved to another room.

The room was lit with low lighting and close family members were gathered. There was a really ominous feeling walking into that room, my nan was off the machine and most people were crying. I was very confused.

Everyone believed this was time to say goodbye.

The Priest entered the room to read my nan her Last Rites. As the priest was reading the verses, the family were crying, but I felt nothing, I didn't feel sad neither did I cry, this did not feel real to me.

Not long after the Priest left, my nan woke up, her words were "So! where is my coffee?"

Everyone was confused about how she'd just woke up like nothing had happened but everyone laughed, she seemed like she was perfectly back to her normal self, a cheeky, witty and a wonderful loving woman.

After a week my nan was still at the hospital.

She was stable, she was singing, joking, moaning about other patients and just being herself. One thing that I found oddly strange though, she kept asking "What day is it today?"

It wasn't until speaking with my nans' sister, that she mentioned it was the anniversary of their mums' death that coming Friday, that's when I realised why my nan was so concerned about what day it was.

After work on Wednesday 26th April, my girlfriend and I went to the hospital to visit my nan, she was in a lot of pain and the doctors did not know what the cause was. Again the family came to visit. Hours passed and my nan was sleeping, it was very late. It was only over a day until the anniversary of her mothers' death and I couldn't help thinking, my nan is trying to hold on until then to pass away. I had a really bad feeling that this may be the last time I will get to see her, so I made sure to spend as much time with her as I could.

With all these feelings and thoughts in my head, I managed to sleep very well that night, probably from how manic and exhausting the week had been.

At 07:30, I was on my way to work. I was near the hospital and I had this urge to stop by to visit my nan, but I didn't, I carried my journey to work. On arrival to work I received a call from my cousin, he said that nan had just died.

Immediately I left work and drove to the hospital.

When I got there, my Great Aunt Susie was there, alone with my nan.

This was the point where my soul broke.

My nan had gone.

This unfortunate event destroyed me, I drank more than I ever did, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't write, I couldn't work, I couldn't produce any music.

It affected me so bad, that I made bad decisions, my girlfriend and I split and she took the dog, now I was truly alone in my own head.

I was going through some serious depression and I was pretty good at holding everything in. I just became numb, I knew I needed to start getting my sh*t together. My famous words were "I'm fine". I told everybody this, even when I wasn't. The mask was on!

My Nan died in April, It wasn't until September that I finally started writing again, It wasn't the same, all the content I was producing seemed forced, I just couldn't resonate with my work. Not until I produced a piece of music that brought me out of my hole. This track was going to surface my decline. But I didn't want to release too much information about what I was going through, so I opened the track with the lyrics

"Reluctant to putting these lines out in the open
but writing seems to be my only outlet to coping
without exposing too much detail, I’ve been frail
out of my mind into darkness on a deep scale".

The people who know me, know that I'm a private person and I struggle with expressing my feelings, so putting this song out was difficult.


"Drinking habits got me unbalanced
absent with no motive to action my passion,
just lock myself away with the phantoms
until I'm ready to revert and face the faults and complexities,
pour salt on my wounds get back to amenities".


These issues were affecting, not just me but the people around me and looking back in hindsight, the guilt I feel is unexplainable but after all, I am only human.


"Intense thoughts swiftly painting images
from depressive inclinations to creative spillages
it's a vicious circle and I can’t take no more
'But you’re Jai Capone, You’re supposed to be raw'
I’m a f**king Human going through sh*t
unhinged, trying to rise above what my reality inflicts".


I put this song out to the world for personal reasons, I needed to express in my own way, just a small part of what I was going through, I didn't know how to express it in conversation. So with this song out there, I felt like, Ok, I've said something here and whoever wants to listen, they can listen at their own will, I'm not accidentally forcing my issues onto someone else, people got their own sh*t going on, they don't need me to top up their cups with my sh*t.

"I wish it was that simple but there's a bigger picture to decrypt
it's apparent I’m becoming more bitter,
but I’ve been pushed to the edge now I’ve lost my filter
I don’t want to be rude, but I’m happy here in solitude
collecting my thoughts
strategizing for what my future could hold".


At this point, I was reflecting after a bottle of bourbon, kind of arguing with myself.
There are people around me, who I know are there for me, many people expressed that. I'd always politely decline the offer of company, I was getting angry with myself and the world for no reason, I was making up excuses to be alone, I wanted to be swallowed up in this huge pit that I had placed myself in. In this mind state, I wanted to stay home and write, produce music and watch Netflix. Drinking cheap wine or whiskey and eating microwave junk food, I was trying to stay numb.


"There’s been battles I’ve fought
but winning has provided more cold
residing in a hole
trying to be a little more stoic
but I'm just a regular guy under the pressure of imploding
hitting the road and just going
picking up and leaving without anyone knowing
the death of my nan broke me now the stress is showing".


Fighting personal demons is hard, sometimes I enjoyed the misery of my own company, other times I hated it, other times I didn't care or even think about the things going on in everyday life. I didn't want people asking questions or engaging with me in conversation, so I became neutral and boring, just so I could get through the day and bask in solitude when I got home every evening.

I had a message on Facebook Messenger from someone who I didn't know at the time, but we had many mutual friends and we are both from Cardiff. He had asked me if I needed a singer and that he was available for a potential collaboration.

I was tempted to decline because I didn't want to work with anyone, but that isn't who I am, when it comes to working with people on a creative level, I'm always in an agreement, as I passionately love working with creative people.

So I agreed to work with Daniel, whose artist name is Scarz.

We worked something out, at this point I was struggling on how to deliver the chorus. Scarz sent me a voice clip of him performing the hook.



"You don't know what goes on in my head,
you will never understand the tears that I've shed,
the pain I feel will remain behind Closed Doors
it will be locked up until I'm rotten to the core".


These lyrics hit the nail on the head of what I was feeling, instantly I knew this collaboration was meant for this song.