ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The cockroach...such a disgusting little bugger!

Updated on January 7, 2013

I was born and raised in New Jersey and trust me we had our fair share of disgusting bugs (and people) there, but surprisingly our cockroaches, as nasty as they were, weren't really all that bad. They were small in size, hid when the lights came on and for the most part only frequented dirty places...and when stepped on them, they blew up like little jelly and cream filled donuts. A nuisance yes, disgusting yes, but yet nothing a can a Black Flag or Raid couldn't handle.

Then in the mid-90s I moved to Florida, the land of palm trees, beautiful beaches and the industrial size cockroach. They don't want to scare people so they call it a palmetto bug...but trust me, it's a cockroach.

The first time I came across one of these monstrosities I had to do a double take, because I really thought I was seeing things, the thing was the size of freaking peanut butter jar...and looked extra crunchy too. I kept my distance from it while trying to find something to smash it with believing that I was fine as long as I kept an eye on it...but boy was I wrong. As I was scurrying about trying to figure out what household item I was going to choose to use as the bringer of death the bastard started to move. Being startled I jumped back, the whole time still keeping my eye on it....again, thinking I was safe. Then all of the sudden the creepy brown bug of doom opened up it's wings and started taking flight.

I stood there in awe, like as if I was witnessing the second coming of Christ, not moving a muscle. The nasty thing flew right at me landing on my chest, so I did what all grown men would do in that situation...I ran out of the room screaming. That freakish critter clinging to my chest as I ran...it was right in the center too, I looked like the white-trash version of Superman...Cockroach man. It finally fell off and landed on the floor...now with tears running down my face, and while trying to catch my breath, I went into the kitchen and grabbed some roach spray...I was done playing around.

I came back to find it still sitting in the same spot on the floor, as if it was taunting me, telling me to make my move...it was like we were in a Wild West standoff. So I unloaded on it, spraying nearly the entire can on it, the whole time laughing maniacally like a mad scientist...feeling vindicated, as if I showed it...I got the last laugh. The can was now just about empty, the cloud of poison was settling and I was all ready to see the dead body just laying there so I could pick it up and flush it down the toilet...sending it to it's watery grave.

When all was said and done it was still alive and kicking...staggering a little like as if it just came from the bar and had a little too much to drink...I couldn't believe my eyes. I was freaking out trying to kill this thing and it was living it it up. Now I had an intoxicated roach on my hands...who no doubt was getting a good laugh at my antics...and I must say, I now know how Wile E. Coyote felt...stupid Road Runner.

Finally having enough, I decide I'm going to just step on it...and just end it all. I didn't have shoes on, so I thought about dropping a piece of paper on it and then jumping on the paper with it under it...but I had a bad feeling I would jump on and he would take off...leaving me on a roach powered skateboard...and I wasn't having that.

So I figured I would do the next best thing...I called the cops and waited outside until they showed up and I had the officer go in and kill it for me.

MJM

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

      OMG the first time I saw a palmetto bug in Florida I almost moved back to Long Island! They are HUGE compared to the cockroaches up north and just as gross and disgusting! Needless to say I stayed in Orlando and got used to swatting those big suckers!!

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
      Author

      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Sunshine625 it's good to know that somebody out there shares my pain...I knew I wasn't crazy.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 4 years ago from south Florida

      Been there, done that, MJM, so I know personally whereof you speak. As a fellow Floridian who has traveled a lot, there is no place on earth that is home to cockroaches as large as our homegrown plametto bugs. Which fly! Very gross. But your buggy treatise was very funny. :)

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
      Author

      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @drbj you are so right my friend...they are freakishly big here in good ol' Florida...must be something in the water.

    • Geekdom profile image

      Geekdom 4 years ago

      Florida do love to have their bugs super sized.

      Funny +

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
      Author

      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Geekdom...and it's people too.

    • cuttler profile image

      Cuttler 4 years ago from HubPages

      As long as they roam the house when am asleep and go into hiding imediately I wake up I have no problem with the roaches. Interesting article, thumbs up to you

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
      Author

      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @cuttler if I don't know they're there I'm ok...but if I know they're there...even if they're hiding...it freaks me out and I won't be able to get any sleep.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      OMG.....ROFLMAO!! FUNNY as hell, Michael.....truly. I have the sore abs and tears streaming down my face and I have...yet another damned good reason, why I will never move south!!...

      You're GOOD!........UP+++ shared.

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 4 years ago from Florida

      I'm a Floridian, and know all about cockroaches! I do not want them in my house, and I spend a lot of money with Orkin to keep them out. When we first came here, I stepped on what I thought was a palmetto bug. The odor was horrible. Turns out we have "stink bugs". You never want to step on one of these, you'll be sorry.

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
      Author

      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @fpherj48 thank you very much for the kind words...it makes me feel good to know I could help make someone laugh.

      @mary615 stink bugs...ewww We also have a horrible love bug problem...and by the way, why do we call them love bugs...I know I don't love those annoying bastards.

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 4 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Ha..ha..ha...So, you did just what grown ups would do, eh? Run out of the room screaming. That's very funny!

      On a more serious note, I hate cockroaches and I don't want to meet them. I'd die or they will. (:

      Once in a nice, fancy hotel in Cancun, I can't believed, I saw one speeding up at the shining marble floor at the lobby. Alas, it's gone before I could call the attention of the hotel staff. Next thing I know, I put all my bags and luggage in the extra bed and nothing on the floor. I think, they got me paranoid.

      Eww, cockroach!

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
      Author

      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @CrisSp I totally agree with you in regard to your feelings on cockroaches...this planet is not big enough for both of us...it's either them or me.

    • profile image

      PonderedSherry 4 years ago

      I hope I never have the pleasure of meeting a "Palmetto Bug". Ever. We don't have them here (cockroaches, or la cucarachas) in the Pacific NW. Maybe they don't like rain. I'm not complaining!

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
      Author

      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @PonderedSherry I really wish I could say the same...those thing are horrifying to say the least.

    • gail641 profile image

      Gail Louise Stevenson 4 years ago from Mason City

      I remember living in a house that had cockroaches. They would run when you turned the light on. My brother and his family lived in Jacksonville, NC years ago as he was in the marines and the place they lived in had lots of roaches. Their neighbors even had more roaches. They are pretty gross. I've never heard of the kind that fly. I don't care for June bugs-their big and gross, too. Very interesting hub. I voted up. Cute picture of the bug.

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
      Author

      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @gail641 that are very gross...and disgusting...I can't stand the little bastards.

    • gail641 profile image

      Gail Louise Stevenson 4 years ago from Mason City

      I can't stand them, either. Bugs are pretty gross and sight unseen is the best!!!

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
      Author

      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @gail641...amen to that!

    Click to Rate This Article