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Things Not To Say To A Police Officer

Updated on May 30, 2009

I have the utmost respect for the men in blue. They keep us safe, help us when we're in trouble and tend to keep most of us honest most of the time. Still, for many of us there is a little bit of fear involved. I mean, bucko, the person has a gun, a big stick, handcuffs, and maybe some pepper spray or a taser. This is no one to trifle with, bucko. Yet you never know. You may just get one to smile or get yourself a quick trip to the pokey with one of these:

  • Is that your nightstick, or are you just happy to see me?
  • Wow, those cruisers must be really fast for you to catch me. I must have been going about 130.
  • Really, officer, there is nothing of interest hidden in the upholstery of my car.
  • That's a really nice gun. Wanna see mine? (Then reach for it really fast.)
  • I'll bet I can take you.
  • You guys all take bribes, right? How much?
  • You drive like my grandma.
  • Nice uniform. Says, "Village People" to me.
  • I was just going with the flow of traffic ... across the median like that.
  • I don't have breath on my beer, ossiffer.
  • How about I just buy two hundred tickets to the Policeman's Ball? You can mail them to me.
  • Listen, I'm really good friends with the President of the United States, so why don't we just forget about this whole thing, okay?
  • Smell? Oh, um, there was a piece of rope caught fire inside the car, that's all.
  • Those beer bottles? They were open when I bought them.
  • I can get out of those stupid handcuffs faster than you can say, 'Houdini.'
  • Nice haircut. You look like Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise.
  • What are you, deaf? I said I was not speeding.
  • Nice boots. Do they come in mens?
  • And you don't have to worry, I have nothing hidden in any of my orifices.

 

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    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      They might say,"She's too crazy. Better let her go." LOL

    • mayhmong profile image

      mayhmong 8 years ago from North Carolina

      I wonder if that would ever happen...

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      "Glazed", excellent, Generique.

      That sounds like a good strategy, May!

    • mayhmong profile image

      mayhmong 8 years ago from North Carolina

      LOL you said it Generiquemedia.

      I want to try to point and shout, "Look! It's America's Most Wanted Criminal!"

      If they look away, I can pretend to run and hopefully he'll never catch up to me!

    • GeneriqueMedia profile image

      GeneriqueMedia 8 years ago from Earth

      "Smell? Oh, um, there was a piece of rope caught fire inside the car, that's all."

      Hahahaha, took me a second..sheesh, I blame the rope burning. Cool stuff =D

      Have you been eating donuts officer, because your eyes look pretty glazed.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Enjoy, Mr. Smiley! However you might consider having your attorney's cell phone number tatooed on your arm just in case if you feel like actually using any of these.

    • profile image

      MrSmiley 8 years ago

      Quite funny. thanks!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Sounds like you've been down this road before, Candie!

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 8 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Occifer Occifer! I've only had tee martooni's! There have been times after I've finished with clients they weren't quite able to drive..so I've offered to write a small explanation on my business card, in case the occifer in interested, and to help avoid any possible ticketing of my clients!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Ya, that's the most dangerous one, Zeta! You must be a real risk-taker.

    • Zeta Sfico profile image

      Zeta Sfico 8 years ago from Underground Kingdom

      hehe.. like no4 from below the most! i'm thinking to talk like that sometime..! LOL

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Thank you, Candie! Yours looks good, too!

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 8 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Love your new avatar!!! That handsome face!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Thanks, Tony. I still get chuckles out of this.

    • tony0724 profile image

      tony0724 8 years ago from san diego calif

      Tom that was just too funny ! I like the one asking If the officer Is deaf .

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Mission accomplished!

    • k@ri profile image

      Kari Poulsen 8 years ago from Ohio

      "Those beer bottles? They were open when I bought them." Now you've made me spit my coffee on the screen! LMAO!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Things can get confusing here, that's for sure!

    • TamCor profile image

      Tammy Cornett 8 years ago from Ohio

      lol, Tom...I should NOT post before coffee....

      I meant to say that I accidentally posted the comment with Tom's (Cornett) hub ID instead of my own, hahaha

      Shouldn't have two hub pages open at once, but I like to read his hubtivity page--it has more action than mine does...:)

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Tom, you will have to let me know his reaction! (Don't actually give him my name, ok?) LOL

      You'll have to watch that trigger finger, TamCor!

    • TamCor profile image

      Tammy Cornett 8 years ago from Ohio

      Darn it--I commented on Tom's page by accident, sorry--we do that all the time, lol....

    • Tom Cornett profile image

      Tom Cornett 8 years ago from Ohio

      These are great--can't wait to tell our police officer son-in-law some of them, lol....he'll get a kick out of them!

      The ultimate insult...

      Nice boots. Do they come in mens?

      Hilarious!!!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Good one, Trish!

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      Officer:  Do you know how fast you were going?

      Driver:  No, isn't that your job?

      Fun hub, thanks for sharing :)

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Thank you Kushal

      Glad you enjoyed Febrie!

      Glad you liked it Dns!

      I'm going to have to put a disclaimer in there so no one gets hurt, Fishskin!

      I like making them, Feline!

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 8 years ago

      Hahaha...great to read one of your entertaining lists again!

    • fishskinfreak2008 profile image

      fishskinfreak2008 8 years ago from Fremont CA

      You would only say the stuff that you mentioned if you somehow knew the officer. And these cases are very rare.

    • nms profile image

      nms 8 years ago from Cochin

      LOL..good one

    • febriedethan profile image

      febriedethan 8 years ago from Indonesia

      It's the most hillarious things I've ever read about policeman :)

    • Kushal Poddar profile image

      Kushal Poddar 8 years ago from Kolkata,India

      Very humorous

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      You guys are killing me.

      Good one, Laughing Mom!

    • Laughing Mom profile image

      Laughing Mom 8 years ago

      How about, "Oh, well, can I just pour it out and say you never saw it?" I can promise that one doesn't work, either.

    • profile image

      Am I dead, yet? 8 years ago

      XD ROFL @Whikat!

      "the person has a gun, a big stick, handcuffs" I thought this was going to be a sexy hub. Oh well, I guess I will settle for funny. :-) amd

      "I don't think a female police officer with a "big stick" would appeal to me"

      ROFL :'D you all are going to make me pee myself...oops, too late :'(

    • profile image

      Whikat 8 years ago

      Hmm, Sorry to disappoint Tom, I don't think a female police officer with a "big stick" would appeal to me. I have to admit that I am grateful that they are on the force. I have personally never got a ticket when pulled over by a female officer. :-)

    • fortunerep profile image

      fortunerep 8 years ago from North Carolina

      That was great!!

      Dori

    • T. A. Northburg profile image

      Tim Northburg 8 years ago from Colorado, USA

      Very funny!! Thanks for the humor-you made my day!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Glad to bring a chuckle, AIDY!

      I think that would work, Someone!

      Sorry to disappoint, Whikat, although female police officers are appealing are they not?

    • profile image

      Whikat 8 years ago

      You got me all excited at first with, " the person has a gun, a big stick, handcuffs" I thought this was going to be a sexy hub. Oh well, I guess I will settle for funny. :-)

    • someonewhoknows profile image

      someonewhoknows 8 years ago from south and west of canada,north of ohio

      Tom I see an amazon ad for a police badge and kids handcuffs. Do you think I could buy the badge and fool a police officer into thinking that I'm working undercover ?

    • profile image

      Am I dead, yet? 8 years ago

      Ha! I could have used this like 2 months ago! XD Tom, keep it up!

      XD = laughing really hard!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      I will at that, Eovery!

    • eovery profile image

      eovery 8 years ago from MIddle of the Boondocks of Iowa

      Nice hub,

      Keep on Hubbing!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      I should have put a disclaimer: "NOT FOR ACTUAL USE"

      Thank you everybody!!!

    • Hawkesdream profile image

      Hawkesdream 8 years ago from Cornwall

      great words and retorts here Tom, wonder if they would work lol

    • Storytellersrus profile image

      Barbara 8 years ago from Stepping past clutter

      Brought me back to my first ticket!  I experienced a horrible first date with the man who became my husband.  I wasn't paying attention to my speed and was pulled over by a female officer. 

      She was not attractive.  Sorry, but she had this aura surrounding her- like PigPen, as some women do. She was not confident regarding her male appeal and she was confronted with a cute (hey, I was all of 25), redhead seeking empathy.

      The first thing out of my mouth was something like, "I just had the absolute WORST date ever.  Can you believe the guy tried to kiss me on a vertical street after making me leave the Al Jarreau concert at Red Rocks during the encore???  I was so looking forward to this date- I've had a crush on him for two years, can you believe it?" 

      The officer took one step backward and proceeded to write the biggest fine possible and handed it to me with a flourish and a very sarcastic remark about blond bimbos.  I wasn't even blond.

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 8 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      This was great!! I was trying to pick a few favorites, but I'm going with all of them! Thanks for a great laugh on a trying day!

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      Laughed out loud. This was my fav.

      "That's a really nice gun. Wanna see mine? (Then reach for it really fast.)"

    • profile image

      nazishnasim 8 years ago

      Tom,

      Did you ever try any of those yourself in real life? Would love to know the response! Great hub (again!).

    • Ralph Deeds profile image

      Ralph Deeds 8 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      Great hub. Here's another approach to your topic by Chris Rock.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj0mtxXEGE8

    • wittywriter profile image

      wittywriter 8 years ago from Concord New Hampshire

      oh, my. Yes, I agree these would be very interesting if you were to tell an officer this... LOL! Thanks for the laugh.

    • NarayanKrishna profile image

      NarayanKrishna 8 years ago from The country of Mount Everest

      The police officer you are talking about seems much more better in comparision to some other. Yes your point is correct in all respects, to lawers, auditors and others. Do not talk more than needed!

    • Teresa McGurk profile image

      Sheila 8 years ago from The Other Bangor

      You are a true scholar of erudition and illumination.