Things That Waitresses Can Stop Doing at Any Time Now
Oh My God! Not Refills?!!
Let's eat, shall we?
Dining out is something we all do, some more than others, but I personally enjoy it and consider it a “night out”; that’s what happens once you have kids. Now, I know there is a difference between waiters and waitresses but I would prefer to address my concerns without having to resort to using “waiters/waitresses” each time, so I will stick with waitresses, though it is not biased and as far as I’m concerned, they’re both equal.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food”
~ George Bernard Shaw
"What'll it be?"
"How is everything so far?"
I'd prefer a Diet Pepsi but I'll take a water if it makes a difference?
Did she just take my plate from me?
Do I look like I'm done eating?
“All sorrows are less with bread.”
~ Miguel de Cervantes
What's my beef?
First, I would like to say that I am not a waitress critic; waitresses are great but I’m paying for my food and I’m paying for my service. Please try to keep these things in mind Mrs. Waitress lady.
Seating, sometimes this is the job of the waitress and sometimes the hostess, but can you at least ask my opinion? I don’t understand why, when there is a restaurant full of dozens of empty seats, you want to place me in the middle, for all other diners to gawk at as their entertainment while eating. Are the better seats reserved for more important customers? How do you know that's not me? What's throwing you off, my gold teeth and fanny pack? No, thank you… I’d rather have a booth.
Oh boy, this one I can’t stand. When I first receive my plate of food, I am terrified to take a bite. Why, you ask? I know that you will be making your rounds and will stop to ask “How’s everything”? So I stall, I figure, maybe this one’s a roadrunner and she’ll be back quickly, I’ll answer her just based on the atheistic appeal of my meal. But no, you don’t show up. The coast appears to be clear and I go in for a bite. Yes, a big ol’ I’ve been waiting for my food for a half an hour and haven’t eaten since the last meal, I’m starving and this looks and smells so good, whopper of a bite… and what happens, you show up? “How’s everything?” So, I violently shake my head as I try to poke my food the rest of the way into my mouth and mumble something of a “Goog, gery goog, gank gou”. Thanks for making me resort to my caveman grunting.
I don’t mind being touched, really, sometimes I even enjoy it and I have a bit of a tendency to compromise others’ bubbles from time to time, that’s who I am. But if you touch me, touch me because you mean it, not because you’re working on a tip… oh and while you’re at it, please don’t touch my husband, I’d like his attention through the rest of the meal.
Please don’t make me die of thirst. It’s almost a given that I will need two drinks while I’m dining out. One drink will be almost entirely consumed as I am waiting for my food to be brought out and then I will need one to work on when my meal finally arrives. I’m certainly going to need fluids to wash down my meal, so, despite that fact that you’re busy, at your earliest convenience, I’d appreciate a refill.
If my plate is not empty or if it is not pushed out from underneath me and slid toward the end of the table, I’m probably not done eating! The fork in my hand that is repeatedly traveling from my plate to my mouth should settle any confusion. Please do not take my plate! It is really quite embarrassing for me and probably you, when you make me slap your hand like a child or play tug of war with you. Yes, if I am putting resistance on my plate, then let it go… I’m not done. Are you trying to tell me something?
Wash your hands please… I know you’re aware of the yellow rectangular sign posted by the sink, or should I say mirror in case you’re more familiar with that device? I’m assuming you can read being that you have to write various food items on your trusty little notepad so I’m guessing you’ve read that Hand Washing sign at least once since you’ve started your waitressing career? This would not have been a second thought had I not been a witness to this major insubordination. I one time was on my way into the bathroom as another woman was on her way out, from the stall door to bathroom door, never even a pit stop at the sink. I didn’t think much other than, “That lady’s gross”, until I got back out into the restaurant to see here through the kitchen window, handling food! Yes, I did speak to the manager.
Please don’t bring my check while I’m still eating. This makes me feel like you’re anxious to get rid of me. What if I want a cup of coffee or a piece of cake? Please don’t ask me if I’m going to want anything else while I still have half a plate of food in front of me. Um, I dunno, I might need another Diet Pepsi down the road and depending on how full I am after I’ve eaten; I just might want some dessert. Perhaps I will have a coffee, I don’t know, should I pull out my crystal ball and see what the future will bring?
Will there be room for dessert????
Are you calling me a liar?
Please don’t argue with me and please, there is no need to be defensive. I understand you must deal with rude customers all day, but despite how irritated I get with you, I will never be rude or disrespectful, it will just make for interesting conversation on the drive home from the restaurant… “Oh my God, could you believe that waitress? She sucked!” I one time ordered a Greek Pizza; it had been the first time I saw it as a menu item and the idea of pizza with some feta cheese, spinach and tomatoes sounded like a new and different treat. I placed my order and the waitress replied that it was a “fine choice” and I was very much anticipating her bringing it out. When the pizza was brought to my table, I was particularly disappointed as I could not see any obvious signs of feta, tomato or spinach. I thought to myself that perhaps it is all done in a sprinkled on form and though that was not what I had in mind, I was hungry as a hippo and ready to dive in. Hmm, funny, I’m not tasting anything special, tastes like a regular garlic pizza if you ask me. My girlfriend who was my lunch date talked through much of the meal and when she finished her plate and her conversation she asked; “So how was that anyway?” I wiped my mouth and replied… “Honestly it wasn’t all that great, I would’ve assumed just gotten something else”. She said “To tell you the truth, it doesn’t look much like a Greek Pizza”. When the waitress came to bring us our check and asked how our meals were I said that everything was good but the Greek Pizza was not what I expected it to be. The waitress’s response was “That was a Garlic pizza, you ordered a Garlic pizza”. I assured her that I did not, but that it was okay and she insisted on standing there fighting with me about it anyway. Apparently I had offended her professional waitressism by implying that she had perhaps made a mistake. She was rude, offensive and told me that if I were so displeased she couldn’t understand how I could’ve “scarfed it down so fast” Oh, wow, seriously, now she’s calling me a pig and a liar? Anyway, she got her tip and I was never rude. Has she ever heard of the customer’s always right?
Can you relate?
Have you had any of these experiences happen to you while dining out?
Who had the chicken...? Who had the gosh darn chicken???
It'll be okay, really.
Disclaimer: Before I cause an angry waitress to pop a blister on my account from stomping in frustration of this article, I must announce that I too have worked in a dining establishment and I know your pain. Waiters and Waitresses are not the only ones who err; customers have their own problems too! “Things That Restaurant Customers Can Stop Doing at Any Time Now”, could be a hub of its own. Generally speaking waitresses bust their hump, maybe for the tips or maybe because they have a great work ethic. Unfortunately, there is a hoard of rude customers and oftentimes waitresses get the blame for things that are out of their control. I can sympathize. If you’re frustrated with me, please share or use it as inspiration for your own writing, I welcome both options.