Top 10 Ways to NOT Make Your Husband Laugh
Just cuz you think it's funny.....
....doesn't mean he will. It's no secret, I have a twisted, morbid sense of humor. Not everyone gets it. Especially not my husband. But there are some things that should universally never be said to your husband if you're trying to make him laugh. Trust me, it's not going to give you brownie points. Unless you can find a man who is perfect. Good luck with that and if you happen to find two, send me one please. I'm willing to pay.
This isn't a man bashing hub, either. I'll save that for a later date. ;)
In the case that any man (or woman, or other) is offended upon reading my hub, grow a pair. Mine are probably bigger than yours at this point if you can't take a joke.
All that out of the way,
I assure you, you will not make your husband laugh:
#10 By mentioning your ex's penis.
For any reason. AT ALL. This is not a good idea, at any time, any setting. Even if you're telling your husband how much bigger he is than your ex, just don't do it. He will not appreciate the basis for comparison.
I have a theory for this. Our men want to think they are your only one. They want to think they've put all other men out of your mind. When you bring up the fact that you still have fleeting thoughts of your ex, it crumbles this perfect little world they've created for themselves. All men want to be the Alpha Male. Well, I take that back. Some men want to be with the Alpha Male. And I can totally understand that.
#9 By talking about sleeping with another man.
C'mon. There are times when this is wonderful to talk about with your best friend, but your husband will not be amused. Case in point, I offer a real-life dialogue between myself and my husband while watching a movie.
Me: C'mon now, there is no way I would ever conduct myself like that. She just met that dude and now she's going to his house?
Me: Now look, she's gonna sleep with him. What kind of dignity can a woman possibly have if she just met that man less than a day ago and is going to his house to sleep with him?
Me: I mean, really? Did that really happen? This movie is based on a true story and all. Was that woman really that big of a slut? I wouldn't want my personal character depicted as such a slut.
Me: Then again, I've never been approached by Jonny Depp.
Him: (frown) growl
See what I mean? I thought it was hilarious. Him, not so much.
#8 By questioning his sexuality.
This should be obvious, but apparently I missed the memo. Men who are not completely comfortable with their sexuality or are completely homophobic will not find it funny when you say you caught them lookin at that hot guy's ass. Or when you say that server doesn't want a tip so much as he wants his tip. Sorry.
I suppose it's because I have so many gay friends. I find myself poking (pardon the pun) fun at my husband's sexual preference. It doesn't mean that I think he's going to leave me for a man. It doesn't even mean that I think he has tendencies. It just seems funny to bring things like this up. Mainly because it makes him uncomfortable. So, if your husband is like mine, don't try to insinuate that he's gay. He won't appreciate the joke as much as you do.
#7 By telling him you're pregnant when your not.
"Honey, guess what? You're going to be a daddy!!!" Ten minutes later - "APRIL FOOLS!"
Not a good idea. Even though it sounds HILARIOUS, he will not get it. And may even divorce you after this one. But hey, I warned you ahead of time, so if he does it's your fault.
Let's face it, kids scare men. They're tiny, needy little things. They can't even halfway cope with your neediness, much less a little one of you. Most men aren't ready for children when it does happen, so don't freak them out when it isn't needed. ESPECIALLY if you already have children. That's a big, big no-no.
#6 By telling him you're pregnant when you are.
Refer to number above. This may be a joyous occasion to you, but to him it's like a giant wooden door shutting and his life is over. He will be tied to you for the rest of his life now, whether he likes you or not.
This is especially true if you've just gotten married.
Even better if you haven't been intimate in a while.
And best if he's had a vasectomy.
Someone call Maury?!?
#5 By telling him your balls are bigger than his.
This is funny. You know what? It's better than that - it's HILARIOUS. But only to us women. He doesn't like to think he's lacking in masculinity, and when you're telling him you are one upping him in the testosterone department, it only makes him hate you. C'mon ladies, these things are awesome, and funny as hell, but our men just will not get it the way we do.
Save it and tell your girlfriends about your balls. Your husband doesn't want to know about them. Hey, it could even be that he's afraid you've had some at some point and didn't tell him about it. Now perhaps you've not only broken this rule, but rule number 8 by default! How dare you.
#4 By agreeing with him when he says his penis is small.
It's fishing for compliments, girls. It isn't making a statement. Even if you think he could use some Enzyte, don't tell him that. Case in point:
Him: You're gonna leave me for someone who has a bigger penis
Me: Nah. I'm gonna leave you for someone with money. I don't care if he has a small penis, too.
See what I mean? He didn't get it. I bet you ladies are laughing like mad and men are saying "Man, that just ain't right."
It's not that I said I was going to leave him, it's that I insulted his size! Oh, this is too fun.
#3 By pissing on the toilet seat just to show him what it's like.
True story. (not me, though, I'm not that freaking gross)
OK, I only bring this up because one of my best friends did this to her husband just to show him how bad it sucked to need to sit down on the toilet only to sit in someone else's piss. How she did it, I don't know because I did not ask for details. As a matter of fact, I didn't even ask for the story. She just offered it to me.
You know, I only thought this was funny for a split second, then it kind of verged on gross. But since this hub is all about things that won't make him laugh, I assure you this will not.
Imagine your husband having to run to the bathroom first thing in the morning for the 3 s's and sitting in your pee. Better yet, don't. Cause it's just gross. It will develop into all kinds of thoughts of how did she position herself over the toilet to aim that well and what was going through her mind.... UGH!!! Dude, I can't un-think that.
#2 By crediting that hilarious joke you heard today to your boyfriend...
...even if he's the one who told it to you. There's just something about infidelity that your husband won't find humorous. It will ruin the joke! C'mon now, think about it. You can tell the greatest joke in the world about two guys walking into a bar and once you say "yea, my boyfriend told me that", it's over.
Instead, credit the joke to your mother or your best friend. Don't be a wise-ass. He won't get it. You could be totally kidding and never have cheated on him a day in your life, but once you make this joke, it's over! Never jokingly tell him you have another man in your life. This subject should be saved for a serious occasion and you should be wearing a helmet.
Don't do it.
#1 By telling him you're leaving him.
Look, don't do this unless you mean it. This type of joke brings up all sorts of insecurities about you leaving and they'll never trust you with the car again. They'll blow up (for all you old-school out there I don't mean this literally, it means to call and text constantly) your phone and start checking your texts. And you know what? You brought it on yourself.
Once again, this should only be brought up in serious circumstances when you're wearing a helmet (hey, I'm from the south) and you can defend yourself.
It may seem like a good idea to see where he stands or even to make him fidget. I love to make my husband think less of himself (c'mon folks, that was a joke). So this seems ideal. Keep him on his toes, never let him think he's got me kind of thing.
Not such a great idea. Cuz guess what? He might just take you seriously and introduce you to his foxy little redhead that's been waiting in the wings. Well, you know what? I just changed my mind. Do it. Then you can kick his ass and the little redhead's ass all in the same sitting. And that's always fun.
So here it is. Unless you have a wonderful husband who enjoys your sense of humor, isn't self conscious, and doesn't give a crap if you leave him or not - don't do these things. You're best girlfriend will appreciate it, hell your boyfriend will even appreciate it, but your husband WILL NOT.
If you are a torturous bitch like me though, go ahead and do it. It's all in fun. ;) Regardless if he laughs or not, I thoroughly enjoyed it.