Top 15 Film Turkeys of 2017
Every year at this time in my former blog I would count down the worst films of the year. And while that blog is officially closed, I am not just going to allow this years batch of awful films off the hook.
#15 Underworld: Blood Wars
Here is all you needed to know about the Underworld series. Kate Beckinsale is a warrior vampire in a skin tight leather catsuit who hunts down werewolves. There is also some back story about why the vampires and werewolves we're at war, and another plot about a hybrid half vampire half werewolf that is either suppose to bring peace to both clans, or just create a new breed of werevampire that will wipe out and replace the other monsters. The Underworld movies had just enough of a plot to keep you interest while you pleasured yourself, or waited for Kate to appear on screen again. The latest installment takes it down a few notches by not bothering to include a plot, but instead just rehash the previous films. Underworld should have ended with the third film. It was the best of the series, even though it was a prequel without Kate, it completed whatever story the series was trying to tell.
Earth's scientists build this satellite thingy that controls the weather, so they can prevent storms and end droughts and stuff. And you guessed it, the satellite thingy goes nuts and begins targeting cities with all sorts of disasters. The same old same old CGI cities being destroyed, but with bad acting and no more of a plot than what I just mentioned.
#13 Baby Boss
What if babies were all really super intelligent businessmen who could talk when no adults we're around? plot hole you say? We we're all babies once, and if babies were really that smart then we would all remember it? No mind. Because the only reason for this film's existence is those inevitable potty jokes.
#12 Ghost in the Shell
Take a classic anime film, remake it as a live action film, then turn the film's heroine into a white girl and what do you get? A complete waste of time. Seriously, if you want to see Ghost in the Shell then rent the original.
A film so lazy that the producer did not even bother giving it a Roman numeral. That's right, both films in the Flatliners franchise are called Flatliners. The second is not a remake or reboot but a sequel. Which would be confusing if anyone actually wanted to see the other film. The basic plot here, a group of scientists deliberately stop their hearts and then revive themselves, just to see what happens. As if they can't witness the same thing at any emergency room without putting their own lives at risk.
#10 King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
More proof that Guy Ritchie never bothers to read the source material when he writes his scripts. A film that seems to take place in Skull Island rather than medieval England, thanks to endless hoards of giant CGI animals.
#9 Power Rangers
A poor man's version of The Breakfast Club decides to explore a cave and discovers amulets that gives them all super powers. A ghost/hologram informs them that they are the new Power Rangers, and if they practice long enough, they can morph into costumed characters that can be played by stuntmen with real martial arts skills. They can also ride and control their own robot animals which when combined will turn into a single giant robot. The original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was guilty of stealing ideas from other Japanese kids shows. This time around it also steals ideas from American films for the non CGI scenes. The end result is another boring CGI film with annoying characters.
#8 Fifty Shades Darker
Fifty Shades Darker is proof positive that the first film was no fluke. It really did suck that bad. Based on El James trashy bestselling novel, the first film was an X rated story turned into an R rated film, which is why it failed with critics. Amazingly, the sequel has even less deviant sex.
Every now and then a studio gets the rights to an old house long television drama, realizes it isn't any good for a feature film, and comes up with the dumb idea of turning it into a campy comedy. They did it with 21 Jump Street, then ripped the plot of that film off with this film. So in other words, this time around Ponch and Jon are idiots.
#6 Transformers: The Last Knight
Looks like there are two turkeys this year about King Arthur. Running out of ideas a few films back, this entry starts with Merlin and Arthur and their Transformer friends who can transform into a dragon, sort of like the same thing that happened at the end of Power Rangers. The film then moves to modern times for the usual CGI mayhem. As bad as this latest Transformers movie is, it actually comes closer to accurately depicting the King Arthur Legend than Guy Ritchie's film.
The television series Baywatch was dumb to begin with. The goal of the director seemed to be to out dumb the series by a factor of 10.
#4 The Great Wall
Remember back when the visual effects on turkeys we're simple? Space ships held aloft with string? Tiny cardboard cities attacked by iguanas with extra fins glued on? Model boats afloat in wading pools? A guy in a rented gorilla costume picking up the Barbie doll that is supposed to be the girl he was terrorizing? Those were the good ol' days. Today studios spend so much money on effects for their crap films that they are given bigger release and far more publicity than their decent films. Worse, there are just so many CGI films that any possible novelty of the process has long ago worn off. Also, there was once a time when a studio head would not greenlight a film unless you pitched him a good story. Today's studio heads Will greenlight films based on a pitch of effects scenes, and could not give a crap about plot. That is why nine out of the fifteen films I have picked as the worst this year are CGI dumpfests. So much so that I can barely tell them apart. For those of you keeping track, The Great Wall was the film starring Matt Damon and a Chinese cast battling CGI monsters living on the other side of the Great Wall of China. Basically a bad remake of the second Lord of the Rings film. If you wanted a good CGI monster film last year, Skull Island was very decent. It also had a wall to keep CGI monsters out, but instead of the whole civilization relying on Matt Damon, they had King Kong fighting for them.
#3 The Mummy
Back in the 30s and 40s Universal had the first cinematic universe when they began putting Dracula, The Wolfman and The Frankenstein Monster in the same films. After the Universal monsters met Abbott and Costello,the studio figured the genre had ran it's course and retired them. ( Both the monsters and Abbott and Costello. ) A little later Japan's Toho began a new cinematic universe with Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra, which still persists to this day despite a few reboots. But what really put the concept of cinematic universes in vogue was the busload of money Marvel made with their cinematic universe. After The Avengers made it's first billion, studios began looking at their own properties for crossover and spin off possibilities. Universal remembered their old movie monster franchise and thought "reboot". There is no good reason for Universal to reboot anything. The original Universal monsters are well loved. And the only thing Universal actually owned in the original franchise was their costumes and makeup designs. Otherwise, all of the monsters are from public domain stories. Even Marvel had their own Frankenstein, Dracula and Werewolf comics, and could easily add those characters to their cinematic universe. So, dumb move on Universal's part for a reboot, and even dumber move for jettisoning the original plot from their old Mummy films in favor of a bad Tom Cruise action film.
#2 Monster Trucks
Finally! A movie for white people! Seriously, only the dumbest of white trash could possibly sit through this.
#1 The Emoji Movie
CEO of Sony Pictures: "What are you pitching today? A movie based on those Emojis!? Are you nuts!? That has to be the worst idea for a movie ever! An entire motion picture built around pictograms? No, I don't think Pixar does films like that. You think the film will connect with a younger generation? Are you talking about the generation that's always on social media and doesn't go to the movies? Let me explain what a stupid idea this is. Emojis are just faces with no bodies, each stuck in a specific emotion. There is no way in hell even the world's best screenwriter could turn the Emojis into a coherent film. Had I actually greenlit your dumb idea, you would have made one of the worst films ever! And one that would be a costly box office bomb considering you wanted it to have a Pixar budget! I aught to rip up your contract and fire everyone you work with! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! NOW!! What's that? You say that Patrick Stewart wants to do the voice of the Poop Emoji? HaHaHaHaHaHaHa! Why didn't you lead with that? Of course we'll do the film! It will be the funniest movie ever! You got everything you want! The Pixar budget, a wide release, and full promotion! It's going to be the blockbuster of the summer! Thank you! I'll have my people call your people. Chao.