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Top Gear UK

Updated on April 2, 2015

Top Gear

The logo
The logo | Source

Hello, hello! After nearly 2 months of absence, I have returned! My longest absence so far.

Now, I'm sure you've heard of Top Gear and if you haven't, you should see a shrink ASAP. It's a tv show that's broadcast an hour a week on BBC. You're not a car guy or gal unless you watch Top Gear. And I'm sure you heard by now that the star of the show, Jeremy Clarkson, was sacked by BBC because he punched a producer in the face. I'll get to that debacle later.

Who here have seen the first episode of Top Gear back in 2002? No one? Oh, come on, folks, you can't be seriously doozing out on me. Very well. I saw it on Youtube and it wasn't as good as it is today. Obviously, TG still had a long way to get to where it is now. I remember Clarkson would say, "On tonight's Top Gear, blah, blah, blah" and no one would clap their hands, the team weren't as confident and the crowds were minute. Now, though, Clarkson would say, "Tonight! Blah! Blah! Blah!" Crowds clap and are immense, and the team are confident coffers.

They are now the embodiment of showbiz and are so full of pizzazz that only one other car tv show comes close and that's 5th Gear. And, sorry to say this, it just isn't as good as TG. No, really. Tiff and the rest of 5th Gear just don't have the kick they try to give you. It's the motoring equivalent of fish and chips in a carenderia: it appeals on every single level of boring. Maybe, if I'm hypercritical, 5th Gear is one of the stupidest tv shows out there and it's image tarnished by an estate agency that's bought all the shares and rights to the show. If you've been watching TG, I can't think of a single conceivable reason why you would consider, even for a moment, watching anything else but TG.

Although, with Clarkson sacked, he might actually end up in 5th Gear or or even /Drive...

The Top Gear cast

The Three Musketeers.
The Three Musketeers. | Source

Now let's talk about the presenters, shall we? Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May. In a nutshell: Clarkson is the lifeblood, May is the slowest and Hammond is in between.

Clarkson has a streak about him that separates him from the rest. He's witty and sometimes offensive. If you've seen some episodes, he does get just a tiny bit emotional in a sarcastic yet funny manner. Take for example Series 10 Episode 6. The part where all three were to cross the 22-mile long English Channel into France and prior to their voyage, Clarkson had asked Hammond if he'd ever considered the meaning of life.

May on the other hand is the exact opposite of Clarkson. He is Captain Slow because he actually is. By the time he's written something, or anything, about a car, he's grown his finger nails an inch. Series 10 Episode 6 saw him with a car-boat without an outboard motor. His only means of propulsion was a collapsible mast which brought him more to port than ahead.

And Hammond is in between them both with nothing more for me to write about except his love for "glorified Beetles", the Porsche.

An intro compilation

As promised, I shall tackle the matter with Clarkson being sacked. According to multiple news agencies, he punched one of the producers in the face. He's also being charged with assault after being sacked by BBC. Why he punched the producer, I have no idea. Needless to say, I wouldn't ratify or deplore his actions.

However, the latest news I've gathered says that he's trying the new E-Residency. And he's going to Estonia, a country in Northern Europe, Bordered to the north by the Gulf of Finland, to the west by the Baltic Sea, to the south by Latvia, and to the east by Lake Peipus and Russia.

Now, how does one become an E-resident? And why is Estonia utilizing it? According to

"E-residency is a state-issued secure digital identity for non-residents that allows digital authentication and the digital signing of documents.

E-residency is provided by the government of the Republic of Estonia, but does not bring physical residency or rights of entry to Estonia or EU. E-residency does not entail any residential or citizen rights and cannot be used as a physical identification card or travel document."

You can apply for it, if you'd like. There certainly isn't any chance that I'd apply.

All we know is... He's called The Stig

Some say that he sleeps inside out. And that he had sex with a laptop.
Some say that he sleeps inside out. And that he had sex with a laptop. | Source

The Chart of Many Things

340 million
320 million
403 million
348 million
415 million
421 million
461 million
445 million
745 million
700 million
594 million
732 million
717 million
632 million
576 million
633 million
538 million
511 million
517 million
531 million
649 million

The Bolivia Special

Toyota Land Cruiser, Suzuki something and Land Rover Range Rover.
Toyota Land Cruiser, Suzuki something and Land Rover Range Rover. | Source

Now, the Test Track. Did you know, of all car brands they chose, the first car to ever set a lap time on the track was a Pagani Zonda C12 S 7.3. It set a rather disgraceful 1:23.8 for a car with a 7.3L V-12 Mercedes AMG engine under the hood. It was done in Series 1, Episode 1.

I'm not at all a fan of Pagani. I've never liked the design of the Zonda and even the new Huayra is quite disorienting, even if Horacio Pagani claims it's a masterpiece of engineering and a sculptured work of art. The Huayra took 8 years to design and build, mind you, and for me, it just doesn't have the wow factor. But did you know? The Huayra set the fastest lap record on The Track with a supersonic 1:13.8! A full 10 seconds! Impressive!

Of course, the fastest car to ever set a lap time on The Track was the Renault R24 Formula One car. The same car that Fernando Alonso used in the 2004 F1 season. And, my golly, Miss Molly, it was fast! It did it in a hypersonic 59 seconds flat! But is was taken down, along with the supersonic Caparro T1's 1:10.6 because of the Sleeping Policeman. If you're wondering what a sleeping policeman is, it's just a speed bump. The Ferrari FXX's 1:10.7 (point-one seconds slower than the Caparro T1) was also disqualified because of Slick tires. I'm a big fan of Ferrari, by the way, and hopefully, Top Gear could get a LaFerrari FXX in and set a time.

The Africa Special

Subaru Impreza WRX STI, Volvo something and BMW 5 series.
Subaru Impreza WRX STI, Volvo something and BMW 5 series. | Source

Now, as usual, we must come to an end. I've chastised you long enough and I feel that the misery must end.

Top Gear has always been my favorite TV show and it's recently been ruined by the sacking of Jeremy Clarkson. I was still 12 when it was revamped and made better. I'm nostalgic and sentimental and I quite enjoy their shows, especially their Specials like Botswana, Bolivia and Africa.

Where'll Clarkson go and what'll happen to TG, I have no idea. We can only assume or guess and I assume that they'll lose fans and their audience. One thing's for sure. I probably wouldn't watch it again until Clarkson returns.


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