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Troll 2 - Spoiler Alert: Dreadful The SAD Movie Review
What Is This Movie About?
Troll 2 is a sequel to Troll, but without the same characters, storyline, director, actors, or any Trolls. So how is this considered Troll 2, you ask? Well, you see that “2” in the title? That’s about it.
Troll 2 tells the story of the Waits family vacation to Nilbog, but it mostly concentrates on Josh and Grandpa Seth. They are the only two that believe in Goblins, and they spend the entire movie trying to warn the others, and keep everyone out of danger. Or at least Josh does. We’ll get in to that.
In Troll 2, the Tro- I mean “Goblins” are shape-shifters, and spell-casters, making their victims see what they want them to see. What the Waits family sees is a regular, somewhat eccentric town, full of normal people, offering them delicious food all of the time. What they should see is a bunch of either kids or “little people” in bargain bin Halloween masks, offering them green goop to turn them into green goop themselves. I already hate this.
Why did I choose this movie? This movie is universally panned (achieving the ever-coveted 0% on Rotten Tomatoes), but has somehow achieved modern cult status, possibly on the level of Rocky Horror Picture Show. It even has a documentary about it, titled “Best Worst Movie”. Even with all of the hype, does it live up to it. You have no idea….
Oh God, Why?
- Grandpa telling a bedtime story, terribly horrifying.
- Goblins can change into human form, whenever, and whoever they want
- Oh yeah, not “trolls” as much as “goblins”
- Oh yeah, Grandpa Seth is dead, and the kid imagined his grandpa telling him terribly horrifying bedtime stories
- His mother says “It’s been hard on everyone, including me, his daughter.” Really? Then, she doesn’t tell him he needs to try and move on, she says “You must banishhim from your mind”. Worst. Mother. Ever.
- Later, the father says (about the vacation they are going on) “This trip will make him forget all about your father.” WHY DO THEY WANT THAT? Besides, he is the only one that believes in Trolls. Or Goblins. Whatever. He’s dead anyway, who cares?
- Dude looks directly into camera “What’s wrong with having friends?” If friends made this movie, everything.
- Family is fighting, Mom tells Josh to start singing that song she likes so much, which is an underground, deep-cut track called “Row Your Boat”. I will be glad when this family gets eaten by Trolls. Or Goblins. Whatever. They’re going to die anyway.
- They traded someone houses for a month, one in the country, for their vacation. You know, like it always happens.
- Another crazy thing that happened is that this movie was made.
- Arnold (the girls boyfriends friend....what do you want me to do, learn all the names? I know his because it was said like six times in a row before this) is the first one to see the Goblins. He mouths off to them, not taking it serioulsy, and immediately gets hit by a spear.
- Another one of boyfriends’ friends goes into town to get food. He is picked up by a cop, and given a bun with what looks like green jelly inside, to eat. He does.
- The place they went on vacation was called Nilbog, which until they told us in the movie, I didn’t know it was Goblin spelled backwards. I feel like I should have my college degree revoked.
- An hour into this movie, the rest of the family STILL don’t understand that something weird is going on in this town.
- Right when Josh is getting attacked, Dead Grandpa Seth comes crashing through the mirror, and chops up one of the goblin’s with an ax. That may be the best sentence I have ever written.
- The Goblin-Witch seduced yet another one of the sisters-boyfriends-friends (3 altogether, all idiots, all die) with a piece of corn on the cob. Then popcorn showers them out of nowhere. I don’t even know anymore, guys.
- Dead Grandpa Seth comes back again and SLAPS A GOBLIN SO HARD IT DIES.This guy is my hero.
- If I was on drugs for a month, and was deleriously sick for another, I still wouldn’t think of how the kid beats the goblins. A bologna sandwich. That his dead grandfather put in his backpack.
- After the goblins are defeated, jump cut to them at home....the end.
- Wait...mom gets killed at the end by goblins.
Wait, Did That Just Happen?
….Something....something just happened that was so idiotic, I can’t even....words not in brain spot...eyes crying blood.... Seriously, I was going to write what happened, but then eight other things happened....
Luckily, I found a Youtube clip of it! Here’s what happened: Dead Grandpa Seth shows up again, and he can stop time. But they didn’t have money to do it digitally, so the whole family just sat still for an uncomfortably long amount of time. They were about to eat the meal the other family left for them (Gross), and the kid, trying to save his family, gets on the table and pees on the food. Immediately before this, the mother yells at the father, to not hit him. Keep that, and the fact that the kid just peed on the food, in mind...
DID YOU THINK THE DAD WAS GOING TO PEE ON THE KID?!?!? BECAUSE I DID!!! THAT SCENE WAS UNBELIEVABLE!!! I CAN'T STOP YELLING!!!
Okay, I'm calm. But that scene is the most insane choice, in an entire movie of insane choices.
Also, I can't in good conscience write a Troll 2 article, without showing you the Best Line-Read of All Time. Undisputed, even. (Note the fly on the forehead)
Okay, so he only said it once. But, does that make it better? Nope.
It's Not All Bad...
Yes it is….Okay, I guess I can say that this movie is so bad, it is hilarious. If the director intended to make this bad of a movie, it would have been an absolute work of art. Even if the director, Claudio Fragasso, would embrace the love-for-the-wrong-reason now (Spoiler Alert:He still wants people to take it seriously), I would respect him way more. It would be like whenHalleBerry and Sandra Bullock actually went to the Razzies, to accept their awards, he would gain respect. Now, he just sort of looks like a moron.
Not one thing in this movie is well acted, well written, well shot, had good special effects, anything. But it all came together to create one of the most unintentionally funny and confusing movies I have ever seen. I would recommend this to anyone with a sense of humor, or anyone that likes intentionally bad movies. I haven’t watched it myself (but I definitely will now), but I have also heard great things about the documentary, “Best Worst Movie”, so check that out, too.
Five Totally Epic Grandpa Seth Beards Out of Five
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