Un-Potty Training Your Kid
My friend with the Monkey Arms is “un-potty training.” I’m kind of at a loss to know what this is. My first thought was that she is most likely placing newspapers strategically around her house for her younger kids. I figured maybe they are trying to become environmentally savvy and forgo the diapers altogether. I’m going to assume her older kids are already newspaper trained. I know mine was by the time she was 10.
At first she was a little embarrassed when her friends came over, but she got over her mortification when I made sure all the newspapers were the op-ed and recipe sections. (Who hasn’t, at one point or another, dreamed of going you know what on those sections?) I also placed the funny pages strategically to the side for educational purposes. Soon friends were asking if they could come over to our house to go potty, it was great fun. Ahh, how I miss those days.
Anyway, Monkey Arms’ un-potty training got me to thinking about potty training in the first place, which is, of course, a complete waste of time if you’re just going to turn around and newspaper train. It is, however, a great excuse to eat junk food. I’m all about any excuse to stuff a donut down my throat, so we, of course, did potty training.
“No, no , that wasn’t right,” I’d say with a serious mommy frown on my face. “You were supposed to go in the potty. You’re 3 months old now, you should know better . I hate to do this to you, but I guess I’ll just have to eat your reward so you can know what you’re missing. That’s right, honey, you could have had a hot fudge sundae. We’ll try again in an hour. I’ve got 3 Hershey’s bars in the fridge with your name on them.” I was firm, but fair.
It was a reasonably rewarding time. When she missed, I got junk food. When she made it, we shared junk food. This went on for 4 years until I felt she had finally gotten the hang of potty training. At that point we switched to newspaper training; also rewarding.
Doing research for this article, I Googled potty training tips. I didn’t actually find a lot of tips, but I did find a lot of problems. I have several years of junk food eating/potty training experience, so I think it’s important that I use this article to help others, as the need is obviously there.
First I came upon the problem of a lady who had trouble finding a potty with a big enough hole for her son. Now I’m going to assume she didn’t mean that the hole wasn’t big enough to fit her son into, so she must have meant the hole wasn’t big enough for his poo-poo. As Dave Barry would say, “I’m totally not making this up”. Now, I’ve seen some big poo-poo in my life, but I’ve never seen any that wouldn’t fit in the hole of a potty chair. According to a good source, namely my mom, the bigger the poop, the healthier the person. I’m going to say this had to be the healthiest kid ever . I can only imagine the heartache this little guy’s mom must have suffered. My heart broke. If you’re reading this, dear lady, might I suggest using an outhouse? Also, might I suggest seeing a doctor, because I’m thinking this is a medical issue. Just to be sure I wasn’t jumping to conclusions, I tried going to the bathroom on a potty chair. As I suspected, the hole in the seat accommodated everything just fine .
Another concerned mother, who also did not leave her name, was anxious because her daughter would tell her she had to go potty, but she would find that it was really just an afterthought. My advice is not to worry; most adults are the same way. We think we have to use the bathroom but by the time we get there, we find that we already have. This is especially true of women on trampolines. It’s not a big deal. Really.
For those whom I have not been able to help, might I recommend the following website: http://www.pottytots.com. Their logo is “We’ll show you how to go potty now!” Although the address has the word “tots” in it, they don’t actually specify an age limit, so I’m fairly certain it’s for incontinent adults. You can even get a diploma that says “YOU DID IT”. I’m assuming that’s for dumping your excess waste down the toilet and not down your pants, but really, it would probably work for anything.
Lastly, an important realization came to me while potty training my child; I would like to pass this wisdom along. When potty training you should be sure to take up all carpeting before beginning. I learned this the hard way. Once you’ve gone through 12 cans of carpet cleaner, 2 bottles of Windex (totally useless for carpet stains, by the way) and 45 rolls of paper towels to “blot”, you come to realize that tearing up the carpets is not really that difficult. They usually come up as easily as the hair came out of your scalp. Sometimes easier.
You will then, naturally grasp the idea that putting newspapers all over your household floors to absorb “accidents” is a great idea. The newspapers also come in handy when you’re lying on the floor, weak from the exhaustion of potty training, and feel like you’d enjoy something to read. While lying on the floor, reading the aforementioned newspapers you will naturally find that brilliant ideas pop into your fatigued mind. Ideas like, “after I get this kid, potty trained, I should totally newspaper train her.”
My friend, Monkey Arms, posted a note while I was writing this to let me know that when she said she was "un-potty training" it shockingly had nothing to do with newspapers. She was just saying that she gives up. She's done with it. She's going to eat all the treats herself, and she doesn't care what her kid does or doesn't do and where he does or doesn't do it.
I knew there was a reason we were friends.
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