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Unlucky Fried Kitten Grand Song Sell-Off
The Grand UFK Song Sell-Off
So...what do you do when life begins to demotivate you and leave you uninspired...when you have lost your muse and lost your direction....when you have been devastated by the onslaught of intellectual boredom...when the allure of promises made have turned into boarded-up dream-shutters....when it seems that the only way out is suicide? What do you do indeed? Well....you sell off all your possessions....physical and spiritual....and you move to India, Persia or some such mystical place.
Me? I'm heading to Nepal....I quite fancy being on my own and I rather like the idea of some Nepalese Seclusion. ....even if Nepalese Seclusion sounds like it should be a Guns N Roses album title.
To fund my transfer to serendipity I am not just selling off my furniture, my books and magazines, my records and cassettes and my fruit-bowls. I am also selling off my ENTIRE stock of UNLUCKY FRIED KITTEN songs. Yep....all 5,738 of them....and for incredibly low low prices. This is the sister-site to the Unlucky Fried Kitten FireSale site...where all the UFK musicals...and other goods are listed....I'll link it later...don't want to confuse you with the issue and overwhelm you with a deluge of melody. Not just yet anyway.
When these songs go...they are gone. Buy them....do what you will with them....costs are nominal....and a
(usually) small royalty percentage is kept as part of the deal. That way if there's any degree of success with any of them I get a small royalty fee and won't have to kill myself to mock the world for it's immoral treatment of the impoverished musician. Whatever...if there's no success I get no more money...so there's a case for putting them into cold-storage for when I'm in the next Heaven (after Nepal, I mean) especially since it has been scientifically proven (in the celebrated Laboratoire de la Unlucky Fried Little-Chat) that songwriting is a
finite art.....and that all lyric-melody combination resources will be exhausted by the year 2136. True that!!!'
So.....settle down with a hot chocolate...slip a sliver of alcohol in it if you are that way inclined....and I shall display my shop window. All good companies have a tag-line
The Unlucky Fried Kitten tag-line is:
BUY AN AVERAGE SONG...TURN IT INTO SOMETHING NEW. xxxx
You'll Be Stacking Shelves Forever
Here's a starter...an odd little song...written in a garden shed with a marker-pen on a Tesco carrier-bag. At this stage I should point out that although this song-sale will no doubt raise a few concerns for my creative intention and well-being...I HAVE actually already sold a musical, a handful of songs and a small collection of poetry in this way (admittedly from the lower 'no frills' section of the Bargain Basement) and it's a start.
This song was written in 1988 on the back seat of the 101 bus to Gillingham. It bears no relation to legendary 101'rs....the punk band fronted by the much-missed Joe Strummer. It's one of our most viewed on YouTube
Here's a cheap little number...taken from the Burial Ground Lane musical. Please don't let the Meeces get you...let them eat cheese....they deserve their rodentistensial existence and they reserve the right to chew their way through your Bang & Olufsen cables
MADE IN RUSSIA
Taken from the spy-thriller love story....The Saga of Sebastian Vocase and Valentina Morotova....this Made In Russia song has been a consistent factor of the live UFK set for over 20 years.
NOW THAT THE KIDS HAVE ALL GROWN UP
The sad little tale of the chronologistal appraisal of the futility and natural progression of family life
Taken from the fabled Dead Pop Stars album which I penned for Micky Apples prior to his demise....when he became part of the Dead Pop Stars story. Rest In Peace Mickey.
A SNAPSHOT OF LIFE AT NUMBER 34
This one is a very throwaway pop song...a study of the diseased and unfortunate phenomenon we call love and heartbreak
FRIENDSHIPS AND INTRODUCTIONS
This song was recorded using an old Remington Standard as the backing drumtrack. A little experiment in the use of antiquated office equipment. Did it work...you decide? As an aside...the longest word you can make using just the top row of keys on a qwertyuiop typewriter...is....TYPEWRITER. Cool, eh?
I awoke this morning...after a night of drinking...as it's my day off....to the words in my own head saying 'What a Gorgeous Hot Day for early December'
Then I realised...that in my drunken state last night I had turned the heating up to CAPACITY and lit some paraffin heaters too.
I got out of bed and found I was wearing TWO pairs of pyjamas...and a smalll Harrington jacket
I entered the lounge and found that...in my dipsomanic state...I had drawn all the curtains...and nailed bits of old carpet to all the window-frames
I also found the the cats were wearing thermals, woolly socks and a hat each...to ensure that they increase their own little body temperatures by 2 degrees without having to dress like a snowman.
I stepped outside the front door and...to my utter horror...realised I had drunkenly broke into the met office in town...stolen a weather balloon...filled it with hot water...and carefully draped it over the house...like it was some gargantuan hot-water-bottle
Not only that...in betwixt my curry and tv catch-up I had taken the time to draft-seal all the little cracks and gaps in my home and installed brush-strips to all the doors and laid door-snakes at the entrances and blu-tacked the keyholes
I found a receipt on the coffee-table betraying the fact that I had hired a reputable service provider to insulate the walls of my home...oh...and the ceilings
I had also renovated my home by turning the living area into a cosy winter lounge ensuring the house is more energy-efficient...increasing the temperature by a whopping 5 degrees
I had rebuilt the kitchen area...investing in quality products and materials...ensuring a behaviour change for chilly winter climates
I must be honest...I am knackered now....but I DID manage to write this song
KITTEN ON YOUR DOORSTEP (pts 1&2)
This little rhapsody lasts 12 minutes. It comes in two parts. There are many more verses written...which extends the song to 22 minutes. It does cost £143 with a 50/50 royalty split....but with the extra verses added on you can extend the deal.
£143 for 12 minutes works out at around £11.92 for each minute of this song.....but I'll add extra minutes....for all the new verses...at a knock-down rate of £5.50 per minute. What a bargain...and the royalty rate won't change. So...if you want the 12-minute version it is £143.....if you want the 22-minute version it is £198 (£143 flat rate and 10 extra minutes @ £5.50 each)
THE HORROR AT THE BELVEDERE HOTEL
Yeah...another little song about nothing much in particular...but that's what life is all about
WELCOME TO GRAVESEND
This could be about any old town....big or small....Southern or Northern....down or up. It just so happens that I wrote it whilst walking through Gravesend....making notes about the things going on around me. I will miss that when I am sitting in my solitude in Nepal
A LITTLE PIECE OF ASHLEIGH IS NO MORE
Here's a true story....about a friend who was rushed into hospital for an appendectomy....appendictomy...appendoctomy....oh...I don't know....they ripped out her appendix anyway.
THAT's IT FOR TONIGHT
I have put a few songs onto the pasting table that groans under the weight of the UFK songs at the psychedelic boot-fair in the snowy January sun of 2012. I'll be adding more songs each day....so come back and see what's coming next.
Message me on firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to buy a song.
Also....Unlucky Fried Kitten are to be featured in the February edition of The International Guild of Songwriters magazine...so there's something to check out. I am looking for some sleep now. I'll list some more tomorrow :)xxxx
FOURTEEN SONGS DOWN....ONLY FIVE-THOUSAND SEVEN- HUNDRED AND TWENTY-TWO TO GO
See you tomorrow :)xxx
PIANO LESSONS ARE CANCELLED FOR MARY-JANE
A very true story about ignorant twats who take it upon themselves to fuck everyone elses lives up by being haphazard with their automobile non-skills. Apart from that...it's just a song
BANDS FROM THE NME
Oh...a little song that name-checks some great bands that have been written about in that stalwart of publications....the NME...that's the New Musical Express...okay? There was a time when I would rather have gone hungry than gone without the NME....and my band has had a few mentions there too....but we'll skip over that. Someone did once report that my old band...Death In Venice...should have been drowned in their 'bloody gondolas' but what's new?
ALICE GLASS (she's my best friend)
Ah...a song from the UFK musical...the tribute to Amy Winehouse...entitled The Astonishing Reaction of Archibald to the Demise of Amy Winehouse...or something like that. This got 2000 views on youtube in it's first week...after being championed in 'runoffhipster' as a deranged stalker song...which it probably isn't
THIS IS ENGLAND
No...not the Clash song...and no...nothing to do with the tv drama...just a song written way before both afore-mentioned items. A song about the cultural diversity and the fridges of England way back in the 1980's
GIRL WANTED (no experience necessary)
I guess it does what it says on the tin...yeah....all is pretty self-explananananantory
RAGE AGAINST FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE
Another one from the Amy Winehouse tribute musical. Yep
THE SENTIMENTAL QUEEN OF THE EMO SCENE
Is there any other reason to purchase this song...other than it will give you the privilege of being able to say you are the owner of the only song to have been written inside a vacuum...which this one was. It actually cost me £200 to hire the vacuum out (in 2008) and I almost lost my sense of spatial awareness in the process. I think it's in C.
PLEASE DON'T LISTEN TO THIS IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY BAD LANGUAGE. She hurt me so bad...this one...the subject of this song....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...but I got over it...as you do :)
I WANT 2 B WIV U
Ha ha....spelling things in a crazy way...who do I think I am? Prince? Slade...from the 70's? This is a strange song...cos of the use of the 'change' word....it's difficult to explain...google the song title and unlucky fried kitten and the change word...if you are remotely interested that is. It's a songwriting trick.....writing the perfect pop song x
DANGEROUS GIRL in boxes that will expose invalidacity
Well.....I have just written this one....and just recorded it...so it is somewhat hot off the press....and it ups the total to one more than I said it was. You're welcome to alter the title of the song btw....if you buy it. In fact....change the words too....and the melody. It doesn't bother me...as long as you pay me the fee.
BUY A FUR COAT TODAY
Here come some bargains...this one is for the foxes....the prices on a lot of these 'coming next' songs are pretty much rock-bottom
It's a very old take...very short...but the sentiment is alright
Buy the song (not the fur coat) for £25.....and you can keep the rights/royalties....100%....can't really go wrong....this really IS the bargain basement
LET'S HAVE SOME FUN
Written on a hovercraft from Dover to Calais in late 1997. After being unceremoniously dumped by his girlfriend,Tamara (but who's bitter?) the singer...well...that would be me then...was challenged to write a depressing song about his emotional upheaveal...by his booze-cruise buddies...on the very short voyage.....or even flight. Yes...it's a flight if you are on a hovercraft...I think. The song aimed for irony...depressing...but about having fun....but Alanis Morrissette probably had irony covered (or thought she did)
Cost of song is £100....and the royalty split will be a fabulous 5/95...in the buyer's favour. I take paypal ;-)
STAR ON THE RADIO
Another song from the DEAD POP STARS album....so ferociously unfulfilled by Mickey Apples...ex Unlucky Fried Kitten bass-player...who died (suicide) just before the album was recorded. Andy (wellllll...meeee...had written the songs for the album...for his troubled friend...and perhaps they should have seen the light of day. This one is dedicated....quite rightly...to the absolute legend that is Ian Dury, God rest ya Mister Dury
This song....oooooh....shall we say....£125...and a split of 35/65 to you
I AM A ROBOT
I think this might be the most viewed UFK song....I Am A Robot...written and recorded one October afternoon in about 2000.
The song will cost £500....which links with a royalty split of 50/50
HERE'S A SONG WHICH WAS WRITTEN ABOUT THE DREADED CURSE OF THE SPEED CAMERA WHICH HAS TAKEN THE UK BY STORM AND CAUSED MANY LOSSES OF JOBS AND LIVELIHOODS AND HOUSES
GET THE SONG FOR £225....with a royalty split of 35/65 in your favour. UFK got a message about this one from the very outspoken Jeremy Clarkson....who said it had amused the Top Gear studio for quite some time
THE ENDEARING TALE OF SUICIDE AND BROKEN ROMANCE.
SONG FOR £225
ROYALTY SPLIT 50/50
THE CREEPY GARDEN
HERE'S A SONG FROM THE 'BURIAL GROUND LANE' MUSICAL WHICH DEALS WITH THE HORROR THAT LURKS IN THE TERRIBLE GARDEN OF HELL
BUY THE SONG FOR £68 WHICH COMES WITH A 45/55 ROYALTY SPLIT...IN THE BUYERS FAVOUR
A TRUE STORY OF REVENGE....A COMMON THEME IN UFK SONGS...AND WHY NOT?
£200 for the song
50/50 royalty split
Another song from the Burial Ground Lane musical...this song might be the first one Unlucky Fried Kitten actually put on YouTube.....and it will have a cost of between £123 and £127 and will have a split of 40/60 in the buyer's favour
YOU CAN HAVE THIS SONG FOR JUST £99....WHICH AIN'T BAD FOR A SONG THAT MENTIONS SCOOBY-DOO AND CAN BE PLAYED ONLY DURING THE HOURS OF DARKNESS.
A homage to the 3am girls from the Daily Mirror.
song - £60
royalty split 30/70 in the buyer's favour
One of the stalwarts of the UNLUCKY FRIED KITTEN SHOW.....it kinda works well and the characters will be signed over to the buyer...with the song...for a people-esque sum of £350....yep...and the royalty split will be 50/50....but you can try to knock me down to a 40/60 in your favour. I might resist....depending on my mood...and whether the cats have been fed or not...get me???
GETTING MY OWN BACK (on you)
*WARNING...VERY BAD LANGUAGE*
A very famous and brilliant guitarist in one of the world's biggest bands....seriously...though it wouldn't be fair to name names...messaged me and said
'IT's A LONG TIME TO HOLD A GRUDGE, ISN'T IT?'
Ha ha....but anyway...the song sells for £325 and has a royalty split of 50/50....but PLEASE bear in mind the terrible language contained in the song....don't buy it for your mother
THE RAILWAY CARRIAGE GAME
This is the true story of an old friend of mine....oh...this is Andy btw...from the mid 90's who died of 'food-poisoning'
I say 'food-poisoning' but it was actually CJD...but I am hesitant to mention that here in case it upsets the food standards agency....oops...too late. I watched that poor kid's brain literally dissolve...and I would gladly have taken her place....hence the sentiment of the song
Song will cost £100...which will go to charity
Royalty split will be 10/45/45 (to me/to charity/to the buyer)
Having A Break Now
Nope...not a song called 'having a break'
I am literally having a break for a while...but I'm pleased to have listed 37 songs now...on this sell-off site....only another 5,341 to go....and I'll be on my way to Nepal before you can say 'smoking seriously harms you and others around you'
Night...see ya soon x
YOU MEAN NOTHING IN THE WORLD TO ME
Here's a song that was written on the back of a cigarette packet during a conversation with 3 close friends about how love goes sour. Well...we've all been there...I do believe. So....we split from the pub...I got home....scoffed on a spaghetti bolognese...and recorded the song. The odd thing is....whilst I was recording the song...in my living-room...an intruder climbed in through my bathroom window...but stole nothing. I couldn't work that one out?????
£250 for a 50% royalty split for this song...bargain....surely?