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How to Use Garden Gnomes for Self-Defense

Updated on May 15, 2018
Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank wrote humorous bits for her college newspaper many years ago. Her funny observations have continued in print and online.

The smiling ones can be most effective. Notice the pointy hats.
The smiling ones can be most effective. Notice the pointy hats. | Source

Deter Criminals With Pointy-Hatted Statues

I had always thought that garden gnomes were totally useless. Now, I am imagining people carrying them around for personal protection instead of using pepper spray or other more lethal deterrents.

If you see a threatening character you can yell out, "Stay back! -- Don't try anything, I have a garden gnome and I'm not afraid to use it!" That proclamation should send anyone with half a bit of sense scurrying on their way.

Some time ago I read a news item about a grandmother in Wadebridge, England, who was alarmed by the sound of an intruder on her roof. "I grabbed the first thing that came to hand — one of my garden gnomes — and hurled it at him, and hit him," she recalled.

The culprit was blind-sided, and as he lay there screaming in pain, the woman went into the house and armed herself with a rolling pin, since she didn't want to damage another gnome. The police were alerted by neighbors and the offender was arrested.

After reading about this incident, I now see the logical sense of having garden gnomes protecting your house. Previously I had thought of them as mere whimsical, silly and somewhat tasteless garden decorations.


Not Everyone Agrees

Garden gnome defense has its detractors. Certain groups protest the right of garden owners to use gnomes for self-defense. According to these opponents any uses outside of hunting and sporting competitions should be illegal.

Convincing people to arm themselves with gnomes will be an uphill battle. Many homeowners already have the little pointy-headed figures firmly established in their gardens and have become quite attached to them. Besides becoming a part of the culture many people have sentimental attachments to their gnomes and would feel very distraught if they had to throw them and risk breakage.

Advocates of the National Gnome Defense Association make the usual arguments, saying that they never let children throw gnomes at each other unless they have been educated in gnome safety and are supervised by a responsible adult.

"Gnomes injuries are extremely rare," said one gnome collector, " Mostly they are used for sport, enjoyment or collecting." His references to the historical importance of gnomes cannot be ignored. His personal collection includes a mooning and tinkling gnome as well as the other more traditionally posed examples.

Garden Gnomes can help your plants grow.

Gnome Control Could Become Law

The day may come when legislation makes carrying a concealed garden gnome punishable by law, but this is a matter of conjecture since even with a specially designed holster they are quite difficult to conceal.

Of course, a certain amount of training should be required for a permit to carry a concealed gnome. For the purpose of developing accuracy in defensive garden gnome tossing, several practice ranges, staffed by gnome safety experts, would have to be set up in various areas.

Some scholars say that early examples of garden gnomes date back to the Old Egyptian Empire, over 4,000 years ago . More modern incarnations seems to have spread across Europe starting in 19th century Germany. They are almost always small, bearded and topped with a pointy red cap. The word, oddly enough, comes from the Greek "gnomê" which means intelligence.


Carrying Your Gnome

In some neighborhoods it can be dangerous to go out at night, even in your own yard, without having some way to protect yourself. A self-defense garden gnome may save your life or the life of a loved one while severely disabling a criminal.

When traveling away from your own property, it might be wise to carry a gnome in a custom designed garden gnome holster made of ballistic grade ripstop nylon in colors to coordinate with your usual outerwear.

So armed, you can feel prepared if you meet a mugger, car-jacker, attack dog, or wild animal.

Engineered for quick access, a simple flick of the wrist pops open the gnome holster cover. This exposes the gnome, smiling pleasantly at the attacker. If this sight is not enough to unnerve an assailant, proceed to step two.

The user's velcro secured security strap is released by a second flick of the wrist and the gnome falls comfortably into the hands of the user in a natural throwing position.

Gnomes are fully top-weighted, so that the pointy hat aims directly at the attacker. The gnome itself is 100% plaster of Paris which shatters pleasingly upon impact sending shards of plaster and choking dust toward the attacker even if a direct hit is not achieved.

A little practice is recommended, if you want to perfect your throwing technique. Use the fully-weighted, unbreakable types to perfect your style and proficiency.

Remember, if you're not prepared to defend yourself, you might not have a second chance.

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    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      4 months ago from California Gold Country

      That's hilarious, Nell. You should have just told him you were feeling a bit unsteady and needed something to protect yourself. Thanks for commenting. This is one of my personal favorites, including the responses.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 

      4 months ago from England

      lol! great idea! talking about gnomes for defence, I actually woke up with a gnome in my bag after a heavy drinking session years ago! I had to go round the pubs to find out which one I had taken it from! The landlord thought it was hilarious when I walked in, opened my bag, and there sat sat a fishing gnome! from his back garden I have to add!

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      13 months ago from California Gold Country

      Thanks for your comment.

    • Nadine May profile image

      Nadine May 

      13 months ago from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa

      Haha, what a great post for plant nurseries that sell garden gnomes. I have fairies and wizards in the back fairy garden section where there is indeed one Gnome among them. Learned something new.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      2 years ago from California Gold Country

      I guess they are all over the world. Thank you for commenting, rajan jolly.

    • rajan jolly profile image

      Rajan Singh Jolly 

      2 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      Lol ! That sure is one more way these affable personalities can bring peace into our lives. As it is, they make our gardens colourful and a relaxed place to be in.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      2 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thanks for commenting, MelRootsNWrites. Training is recommended.

    • MelRootsNWrites profile image

      Melody Lassalle 

      2 years ago from California

      My goodness! I had no idea that gnomes had been upgraded from humorous and slightly creepy lawn ornaments to take no prisoners security personnel. I do believe training is necessary if one wants to use them as a weapon. I wouldn't want to get caught at the wrong end of one of those pointy hats.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      3 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thank you Mel. Owners of gnomes should make sure they are using them in a responsible manner to avoid such mishaps. (I like your screen name.)

    • Mel Carriere profile image

      Mel Carriere 

      3 years ago from San Diego California

      I trip over or stub my toe on these little buggers all the time while making my appointed rounds, so needless to say I am not much of a fan and will never send so much as a penny to any gnome rescue group, though I am barraged by their junk mail. I wish I could post my picture of my gnome eating dinosaur, but if you google those same words you can see it. Refreshingly wonderful read.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      3 years ago from California Gold Country

      I gnow what you mean... and I have tried getting my dog to use the toilet. Maybe I could put some sod on the seat.

    • poetryman6969 profile image

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      I've got a gnome and I'm not afraid to use it! Wonder if I can throw that gnome at those nasty dogs that use my yard for a toilet.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      3 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thanks for the comment and the fan mail, colorful one.

    • colorfulone profile image

      Susie Lehto 

      3 years ago from Minnesota

      Indeed the gnomes in the garden would ward off any intruders. They got moxie with an attitude when needed. Funny!

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      4 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Yep it's an animated movie Rochelle, you should check it out...great love story and lots of action too.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      4 years ago from California Gold Country

      Hmm, Is that a real movie? I must have missed it, but if it got you to buy gnomes for self-defense, it's a good thing. Thanks for reading, Jodah.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      4 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi Rochelle, this was very funny. I never really liked garden gnomes until I saw the movie Gnomeo and Juliette...loved it....now I have a few gnomes in my garden. Voted up.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      4 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thank you, MarleneB. I would fee a little hesitant to pick up a gnome that hollered at me -- hope it works out for you, though. I appreciate the nudge. This one hasn't had many views lately and it is one of my silly favorites.

    • MarleneB profile image

      Marlene Bertrand 

      4 years ago from USA

      I was in the gardening center at the local hardware store and a little gnome hollered out at me to come pick it up. I tried to ignore it's cries, but it just kept calling out my name. Finally, to get some peaceful shopping done, I picked up the little gnome and put it in my shopping cart. Upon arriving home, that little garden gnome cleared a spot in the garden and has been there ever since, watching over the garden, daring anyone or anything to get near it. My plants are safe. I think it's so cute, but I don't think I could travel with it, what with the cost of luggage these days.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      4 years ago from California Gold Country

      Yes, the traveling gnome has become legendary. In fact, there is a TV advertisement over here that uses a traveling gnome as it's spokesperson. Thanks for your comment.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      4 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi Rochelle

      It is an interesting hub, and garden gnomes certainly have multiple uses.

      Certain gnomes look better than others. We have a couple ourselves in the garden. It makes since to use them a weapons if you have an unwanted trespasser. I remember not so long ago when gnomes would disappear from their owner's gardens only to turn up in another state and country having stowed away. They usually send a postcard to announce their current location. This was funny, vote up.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      4 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thank you,Suzanne, and thank you for adding it to your "What the Hub" Facebook page. Stay safe .- I hope you have gnomes.

    • Suzanne Day profile image

      Suzanne Day 

      4 years ago from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

      I didn't know the word "gnome" meant intelligent! And maybe there's a folkloric story behind the red hats as well. I enjoyed your hub and it was most original. Voted funny!

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      4 years ago from California Gold Country

      I'm glad it caught your eye. Oh dear, I hope you are not being literal ! Gnomes can be dangerous if they are not handled with precaution and care. I'm glad I'm not the only silly person here.

    • Kathryn Stratford profile image

      Kathryn 

      4 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

      This caught my eye when I was on your page, and I am glad I read it. You really got a laugh out of me! This is the type of humor that I can really appreciate, and it's the type of silly thing I think of every so often.

      Thanks for sharing this with us, and for making me laugh. Have a wonderful day!

      ~ Kathryn

    • RNMSN profile image

      Barbara Bethard 

      5 years ago from Tucson, Az

      totally and by far the absolute best piece I have read in a long time!!!silly,productive, to the times and relaxing all in one! way to go Rochelle.....though all the comments make a statement in and of themselves and certainly must be included in the reading :)

      you guys are priceless!!

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      5 years ago from California Gold Country

      She probably enjoyed them so much, she would not think of tossing them around. Glad it made you smile. Christa Michelle.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      5 years ago from California Gold Country

      You are right, expert.

      And fully automatic assault gnomes should probably be outlawed. I'm only talking about one shot gnomes for personal emergency protection.

    • expertscolumn profile image

      Stanley Soman 

      5 years ago from New York

      I think this is senseless behavior, using garden gnomes as weapons?! You should always call the police first then use the garden gnomes to defend yourself.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      5 years ago from California Gold Country

      Absolutely, seanorjohn-- but make sure you take the gnome safety course first. You don't want to take the chance of hurting innocent bystanders. Also-- think of what a nice Christmas gift they could make.

    • seanorjohn profile image

      seanorjohn 

      5 years ago

      Wow, I guess I will install garden Gnomes in my garden and inform my insurers. I wiil refer them to this article and I expect a rapid reduction in my household insurance. I too underestimated their purpose. Voted up and crazy. Sorry I meant useful.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      5 years ago from California Gold Country

      I appreciate your comments, alocsin. We live in dangerous times, so I think it deserves consideration.

      This one has been around for awhile, but now and then it pops up again. I'm pleased it can still bring a laugh.

    • alocsin profile image

      alocsin 

      5 years ago from Orange County, CA

      OMG, this was hilarious, Rochelle. My partner and I couldn't stop laughing when I read it to him. Perhaps they should make gnome holsters so you can carry them with you as a defensive weapon. Voting this Up and Awesome.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      5 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thank you, Kaili, Now I'm thinking about those little statues out there in the cold rain.

    • Kaili Bisson profile image

      Kaili Bisson 

      5 years ago from Canada

      I always figured these little devils must have some useful purpose. What a great Hub...thank you for making me laugh on a cold, rainy November night.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      6 years ago from California Gold Country

      So I am assuming she didn't use them as weapons-- Glad it brought you a fond memory. They do seem to indicate an appreciation of the power of imagination.

    • Christa Michelle profile image

      Christa Swope 

      6 years ago from Fort Myers, Florida

      Mama had several little gnomes that she made in her pottery kiln. They were hiding all over the house when we were growing up. Some were door stoppers, one slept in the fireplace, some hid behind plants. This brought a smile to my face remembering Mama and her little friends.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      6 years ago from California Gold Country

      If your dog had it-- it probably was a plastic one. For self-defense you should use cement or at least plaster ones. Some friends, you have.

    • DeborahNeyens profile image

      Deborah Neyens 

      6 years ago from Iowa

      This is cute. It reminds me of the time some friends came by our house one night and, as a joke, set a garden gnome on our front stoop. (Not sure why they were carrying a garden gnome with them, but now I know it probably was for self protection.) Their plan was to ring the doorbell and hide, but before they could do so, our dog came up, grabbed the gnome in her mouth, and took off with it. This was all going on unbeknownst to us. Anyway, our dog comes back to the door with a gnome in her mouth, we're trying to figure out what she has and how she got it, and our friends are hiding in the bushes laughing hysterically.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      7 years ago from California Gold Country

      I think it would be cruel and unusual to use live gnomes... The cement or plaster ones are best for self-defense. The plastic ones, made in China, I believe are a plot by that nation to make our self-defense ineffective.

      The ones guarding your camp trailer are apparently doing their job. Thanks again.

    • profile image

      Ghost32 

      7 years ago

      ROFLMAO!

      We've not used any of Pam's 3 garden gnomes for self-defense per se, though two do still guard the camp trailer and one is pulling sentry duty with a wooden stake up his rear at the pet cemetery.

      Of course, my wife's preference is the LIVE gnomes with whom she frequently visited when we lived (off grid) "on the mountain" in Montana. We lived on a little (very little) valley floor, and the "Gnome House" (an abandoned structure once occupied by humans) often sprouted a number of earth-dwelling little folk. They knew she could see them, and sometimes she & they would wave back and forth.

      However, we did not share this information with anyone else living in the area.

      I'm sure you're right about the upcoming efforts by detractors toward Gnome Control.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      7 years ago from California Gold Country

      I appreciate it, even though serious notes are not usually allowed on this subject.

    • quicklysilver profile image

      quicklysilver 

      7 years ago from wexford, ireland

      I'm getting through it.

      But on a serious not that was a hilarious piece of writing, with all of the comments adding to it.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      7 years ago from California Gold Country

      Sorry to hear of this untimely loss. Must have been a horrible thing to witness.

    • quicklysilver profile image

      quicklysilver 

      7 years ago from wexford, ireland

      I'm glad you people find the destruction of gnomes so funny. A few years ago I befriend a gnome called Henry. The summer just gone we went on holidays to spain with him and his wife Jenny. One night we left a bar and two thugs picked up Henry and his wife and began reinacting the star wars light saber fight. We tried to stop them but within seconds my friend and his wives dismembered bodies were scattered on the street. The two thugs ran off laughing leaving us to pick up the pieces.

      The local police laughed at us and none of the papers wanted to know.

      So the next time you people laugh at this think of their one year old son Peter who'll never get to know his parents.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      7 years ago from California Gold Country

      OK... glad you approve.

    • profile image

      alex 

      7 years ago

      cool

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      8 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thank you, AMB. Yes, it is an early one. It is a bit eerie that you should be painting gnomes during the time you found this.

      You need to let her know that you are thinking about her safety and security--or maybe not. You don't want her throwing them around after all the work you put into them.

    • Anna Marie Bowman profile image

      Anna Marie Bowman 

      8 years ago from Florida

      Loved this, Rochelle!!! So funny! Strange I hadn't found it until now! Glad I did, though. I actually have two garden gnomes sitting on my kitchen table right now. I'm painting them for my mother-in-law...but I think I might hold on to them for a while...never know when you might need one.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      8 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thank You, and thank you again. Feel free to pass the link along, too.

    • PassinItAlong profile image

      PassinItAlong 

      8 years ago

      I gnome when I have had enough. Think I will read another hub.

    • PassinItAlong profile image

      PassinItAlong 

      8 years ago

      I gnome when I have had enough. Think I will read another hub.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      8 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thanks, Captain. This one hasn't seen much action lately, but it is one that I enjoyed writing. i appreciate the comment.

    • captainchris profile image

      captainchris 

      8 years ago

      Interesting take on home self defense! I loved it!

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      8 years ago from California Gold Country

      A hub, mentioning this article, on a blog called Better Gnomes and Gardens, is posted at:

      http://www.bettergnomesandgarden.com/2008/12/do-yo...

      Thank you-- "Better Gnomes".

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      8 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thanks for adding to the fun, Seldon55. Both of my sons added to the comments. I wonder where they got the pun gene. ( and no, Shadesbreath isn't one of them).

    • Seldon55 profile image

      Seldon55 

      8 years ago from Somewhere in Florida

      Personally, I think this hub is in need of "Pun Control!" Wow, What started out as a funny, informative article on defense has turned into a slug fest of the best puns I've ever read. I won't lit them all because I can't laugh and type at the same time. I think this hub should be titled, "I've got a pun and I'm not afraid to use it."....Eddie

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      8 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thanks Donna-- You said you would send me a picture. Is he smiling?

    • DonnaCSmith profile image

      Donna Campbell Smith 

      8 years ago from Central North Carolina

      Hi, Rochelle! I have never considered my gnome as protection, he's pretty small. But, I guess a small gnome is better than no gnome at all.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      8 years ago from California Gold Country

      I've been getting some new views here, and would really like to know how you are getting along with your Gnomen defense experiences,

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      9 years ago from California Gold Country

      I think the story was inspired by a "news of the weird" report. It did fit the category-- but I saw it as an opportunity for more wierdness.

    • humbledhomely profile image

      humbledhomely 

      9 years ago

      I've just recently heard a testimonial on these garden gnomes. A guy scared off 7 thugs after he used one of these bad boys from his yard.

      Self-defense costs: a gnome

      Cost to protect your household from 7 children looking for their chain: priceless

      Innocent and invisible to any criminals strategy, but dangerous and effective to the same idiot. I like.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      9 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thank you, nicomp. Your gnome looks deceptively benign, but I'll be he could pack quite a punch.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 

      9 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Genius. I have been writing hubs about the goings-on in back yards for quite some time. How gratifying to learn that other journalists back me up.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      9 years ago from California Gold Country

      I'm happy to report that the blog "Gnutty for Gnomes" has referenced this hub in relation to getting a concealed gnome permit.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      9 years ago from California Gold Country

      Gnomads would be PERfect for campers. And I think Beer goes well with cantaloupe and most other things.

    • Teresa McGurk profile image

      Sheila 

      9 years ago from The Other Bangor

      Now that I live in a camper, maybe I should get some gnomads. Put them on the roof. Tie them to the antenna. We could go out west, and sing "Oh give me a gnome, where the buffalo roam, and the deer and the cantaloup play." I always liked that song.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      9 years ago from California Gold Country

      Hikeguy-- just tell people it is a colostomy bag. that, in itself, could be enough to keep people away. And yes, you may need a concealed gnome permit--depending upon regulations in your area. Thanks for the comment.

      netrageouz -- thanks to you too, I never dreamed I could inspire devilish thoughts.

    • profile image

      netrageouz 

      10 years ago

      A gnomish tale of horrific miniature ghoulish figures suitably appropriate as subject of discussion on this year's halloween attire! I believe this shall indeed make a most amusing costume choice for the season!! Thanks for the ideas spinning devilishly through my mind, i shall troupe elaborately adorned as a most amusingly devilish gnome !! OHHHH what fun!

    • profile image

      Hikeguy 

      10 years ago

      So funny! Especially all the gnome holster details. I'd hate to have to explain carrying a concealed gnome -- still having warm weather here and the bulge would be too tell-tale in my usual shorts and T-shirt.... Maybe I'll take a gnome on my next camping trip. Keep up the good work!

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      10 years ago from California Gold Country

      I don't now if gnomes are legal in Canada. You might need to check local ordinances.

    • Zsuzsy Bee profile image

      Zsuzsy Bee 

      10 years ago from Ontario/Canada

      Right on eh! I now live in the south west part of Ontario, Canada the best place in the whole wide world.zs

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      10 years ago from California Gold Country

      Zsuzsy Bee-- Thanks, but don't be ashamed. We have a right to protect ourselves with gnomes.

      Oh-- are you Canadian?

    • Zsuzsy Bee profile image

      Zsuzsy Bee 

      10 years ago from Ontario/Canada

      Rochelle! This hub is a hoot. After reading this I would never admit to having any Gnomes in my garden.

      Loved the hub regards Zsuzsy

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      10 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thanks, rdelp.

      Do you have any gnomes? Perhaps your dogs are more effective-- and you don't have to toss them. :-)

    • rdelp profile image

      rdelp 

      10 years ago

      Very nice and funny.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      10 years ago from California Gold Country

      Thanks Denise,

      This one has been up for awhile-- but it is one of my favorites. I'll go take a look at your grill suggestions. One can never have too much protection.

    • DeniseClarke profile image

      DeniseClarke 

      10 years ago from Florida

      OH MY! Gnomemania runs wild ... tooo funny ... and I thought the article I posted on using a BBQ grill as a weapon was funny .... LOL!

      Great writing!

      Denise

      http://how-to-use-a-smoker.blogspot.com

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      10 years ago from California Gold Country

      Gnomes can be deceptively scary, especially the smiling ones.

    • Lexica profile image

      Lexica 

      10 years ago from Germany

      now you`re scaring me!

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      10 years ago from California Gold Country

      Let me try that again . . . gnomophobia among potential perpetrators.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      10 years ago from California Gold Country

      When citizens begin to arm themselves with gnomes, there is going to be a lot more gnomofobia amon potention perpetrators.

    • Lexica profile image

      Lexica 

      10 years ago from Germany

      Hilarious post, Rochelle. I just read mariesue's post on Do You Suffer From Hippopotomonstrosesqippedaliophobia?

      and out of interest researched a bit to see if there was such a condition as an irrational fear of garden gnomes (some do look a bit creepy, don't you think?). Sure enough there is such a condition (not officially recognized as yet) and it is called gnomophobia!

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 

      10 years ago

      Oh my,,,,,I don't know if I can take all this laughing! This one is priceless Rochelle.

      Garry, I'm glad you weren't my brother LOL

      ALL of you commenters are great! This is just too too funny.

      I'm going to my garden center now to purchase gnomes :)

      Trish

    • Glenn Frank profile image

      Glenn Frank 

      10 years ago from Southern California

      Gnome one here but us chickens.

      (to get the comments back on topic)

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      10 years ago from California Gold Country

      Is that why you wouldn't eat chicken?

    • Glenn Frank profile image

      Glenn Frank 

      10 years ago from Southern California

      True, I know as a kid watching an old episode of BOZO the clown show (?).... the one thing that REALLY scared me was when Bozo called some kid out of the audience to be in a magic trick... and then Bozo turned the kid into a CHICKEN!!!! and I never saw him turn the chicken back into a kid! that really had me worried.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      10 years ago from California Gold Country

      Clowns are worse and bigger.

    • Glenn Frank profile image

      Glenn Frank 

      10 years ago from Southern California

      I think that garden gnomes must be the origin of many people's irrational fear of circus clowns. Gnomes are just small circus clowns to me.

    • bright_sorcerer profile image

      bright_sorcerer 

      10 years ago from London, Canada

      This was hilarious!! I really needed a good chuckle today. And some of the comments kept me in stitches. Thank you!

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      10 years ago from California Gold Country

      Right.

    • Carl Frank profile image

      Carl Frank 

      10 years ago from Southern California

      You must have meant, "a bun IS the lowest form of wheat", right?

    • Garry Nelson profile image

      Garry Nelson 

      10 years ago from Hawaii

      It is true, my grandmother had them everywhere like land mines. If you tried to sneak through her yard at night you were definitely going to trip on one and fall on another at which time one or both would explode into a million razor sharp pieces of ceramic shards, slicing you up and alerting my grandmother.

      I lived with my grandmother in my early teens and it was common knowledge among my friend to watch out for the gnomes.

      I used to torture my little brother by putting them around his bead while he was sleeping. Or the best was standing one single gnome in the hallway at night halfway between his room and the bathroom. Oh yeah.

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      From the fecund soil of your genius comes what sprouts may grow.

    • Rochelle Frank profile imageAUTHOR

      Rochelle Frank 

      10 years ago from California Gold Country

      Shadesbreath SHOULD have written this hub himself-- but I'll still take credit. Thanks.

    • marisuewrites profile image

      marisuewrites 

      10 years ago from USA

      ohmygod shadesbreath   YOU ARE A BREATH of fresh air.  LOL    I needed this at this moment  hahahaha 

      hub is sooo  good.   LOL

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      I was reading some discussion pages of a 2nd ammendment group's website (right2bearGnomes.com) and in their gnomenclature they talk about how carrying a concealed gnome is not only an American right, it's a duty.  They were saying that to die without the means to defend yourself is a ignomeinious way to go. I agree with them, and  I think Agro Donkey, in that neighborhood for sure, you should rethink your position.

    • Sophie Esperana profile image

      Sophie Esperana 

      10 years ago from Los Angeles

      I laughed for like, 10 minutes after reading this hub. Thanks for brightening up my day :D

    • profile image

      Jeanette M 

      10 years ago

      HA. This hub is a hoot. Thanks for the laughs

    • In The Doghouse profile image

      In The Doghouse 

      10 years ago from California

      Rochelle,

      I have a vacation get away that needed a security system, the answer was simply to procure a gnome. Now the problem with that scenario is that "gnome man is an island", so I found very quickly I had an army of gnome arsenal protecting the place. Thankfully my neighbors who live in the area are really "gnome bodies" so the army fits in quite nicely with the surroundings. My only hope is that gnome control will not make it's way to the political arena.. if it does, I am a goner.

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