Ways not to improve your life in 2009
Hubmob is back and I am truly excited. I have a very limited amount of creativity in my brain because it is filled with totally useless crap so I need someone to tell me what to write about. So the hubmob topic is ways to improve you life in 2009. Ok, I am the last person who should give anyone any advise on how to improve your life. I don't believe in new year resolutions either. I figure why start out the year by setting yourself up for disappointment. Yes, you might accomplish your new years resolution for awhile, and you might actually feel better about yourself, but how long can it last. You will be miserable trying accomplish the resolution and life is short, so do what you want to do and enjoy it. You can even make a game of it by making fun of the poor jackasses who have made a resolution and are trying to stick to it. You could bring your dieting friend a deep fried Snickers bar and laugh as they emerge their powdered sugar and chocolate smeared chubby little faces from the plate. You can throw sticks into the path of unsuspecting roller bladers at your local park, let's see them stick to their workout routines with a broken pelvis. Take cigarettes to a person who is trying to quit smoking. the list could go on and on. So in the tradition of doing what I want to do and enjoying it I wil give you a list of ways to not improve your life in 2009.
- Don't read- if there is anything out there worth reading it will eventually be made into a movie anyway so why bother with the reading crap.
- Don't give to charity- those greedy little bastards are always asking for your hard earned money. It's better spent on anything your heart desires. You worked hard for that money, spend it on yourself and forget everyone else.
- Watch alot of television- make sure you avoid any educational channels like Discovery, TLC, PBS, History channel. Those guys try to sneak education in on you by making it entertaining, Don't get fooled by it. Watch channels like the Reality channel and VH1.
- Don't quit smoking, nobody likes a quitter.
- Don't diet- seriously, nobody wants a skinny friend anyway. You will just make them look fat and they will resent you for it.
- Don't exercise- You could do bodily harm to yourself and depending on how uncoordinated you are you could inflict bodily harm unto others.
- Don't go to work- those people at your job need to appreciate you and all the half-ass time you put into making money for that big fat cat ceo. Where's the person who is setting up your massage appointments and bringing you a half caf mochachicno latte? Nowhere, because your it. Let some other half-assed employee take a turn at the helm for a few days and see how much appreciation you get if you are allowed back.
- Don't walk anywhere- that is why cars were built. Why would any person walk if they could drive. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. Who cares about the flowers you have missed by driving by. Drive yourself to the flower shop and stick your head in and get a big whiff and turn around and leave. Then you can drive yourself to your next destination, like the dump, so that you can get the feeling of walking by your neighbors over flowing trash cans on the sidewalk that impede your walk anyway.
- Don't clean your house- the chemicals that are in cleaners could make you very ill and the wear and tear you save on your body will make life easier for you anyway. You could grow your own pharmaceuticals and become rich. Your house could be like a big science experiment.
- Treat your children just like they treat you. Completely ignore them and get on the floor and kick and scream whenever they ask you what's for dinner or to do their laundry. Invite all of your friends over and demand that they make snacks for them. Play your music really loud, roll your eyes at everything they say and never treat them like they are a human. This will not improve your life unless you you consider the comic value.
These are just a few tips. I hope that they have helped you to not improve your life this year and every year after.