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Ways not to improve your life in 2009

Updated on January 13, 2009

Hubmob is back and I am truly excited. I have a very limited amount of creativity in my brain because it is filled with totally useless crap so I need someone to tell me what to write about. So the hubmob topic is ways to improve you life in 2009. Ok, I am the last person who should give anyone any advise on how to improve your life. I don't believe in new year resolutions either. I figure why start out the year by setting yourself up for disappointment. Yes, you might accomplish your new years resolution for awhile, and you might actually feel better about yourself, but how long can it last. You will be miserable trying accomplish the resolution and life is short, so do what you want to do and enjoy it. You can even make a game of it by making fun of the poor jackasses who have made a resolution and are trying to stick to it. You could bring your dieting friend a deep fried Snickers bar and laugh as they emerge their powdered sugar and chocolate smeared chubby little faces from the plate. You can throw sticks into the path of unsuspecting roller bladers at your local park, let's see them stick to their workout routines with a broken pelvis. Take cigarettes to a person who is trying to quit smoking. the list could go on and on. So in the tradition of doing what I want to do and enjoying it I wil give you a list of ways to not improve your life in 2009.

  1. Don't read- if there is anything out there worth reading it will eventually be made into a movie anyway so why bother with the reading crap.
  2. Don't give to charity- those greedy little bastards are always asking for your hard earned money. It's better spent on anything your heart desires. You worked hard for that money, spend it on yourself and forget everyone else.
  3. Watch alot of television- make sure you avoid any educational channels like Discovery, TLC, PBS, History channel. Those guys try to sneak education in on you by making it entertaining, Don't get fooled by it. Watch channels like the Reality channel and VH1.
  4. Don't quit smoking, nobody likes a quitter.
  5. Don't diet- seriously, nobody wants a skinny friend anyway. You will just make them look fat and they will resent you for it.
  6. Don't exercise- You could do bodily harm to yourself and depending on how uncoordinated you are you could inflict bodily harm unto others.
  7. Don't go to work- those people at your job need to appreciate you and all the half-ass time you put into making money for that big fat cat ceo. Where's the person who is setting up your massage appointments and bringing you a half caf mochachicno latte? Nowhere, because your it. Let some other half-assed employee take a turn at the helm for a few days and see how much appreciation you get if you are allowed back.
  8. Don't walk anywhere- that is why cars were built. Why would any person walk if they could drive. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. Who cares about the flowers you have missed by driving by. Drive yourself to the flower shop and stick your head in and get a big whiff and turn around and leave. Then you can drive yourself to your next destination, like the dump, so that you can get the feeling of walking by your neighbors over flowing trash cans on the sidewalk that impede your walk anyway.
  9. Don't clean your house- the chemicals that are in cleaners could make you very ill and the wear and tear you save on your body will make life easier for you anyway. You could grow your own pharmaceuticals and become rich. Your house could be like a big science experiment.
  10. Treat your children just like they treat you. Completely ignore them and get on the floor and kick and scream whenever they ask you what's for dinner or to do their laundry. Invite all of your friends over and demand that they make snacks for them. Play your music really loud, roll your eyes at everything they say and never treat them like they are a human. This will not improve your life unless you you consider the comic value.

These are just a few tips. I hope that they have helped you to not improve your life this year and every year after.

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    • gwendymom profile image
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      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Ag, how very sweet of you to be worried about me. I am fine. The tornados were located quiet a ways from me so it's all good here. It's pretty weird though that these happened so early on in the year. Oklahoma gets lots of tornados but they don't usually start until april or so, I hope that doesn't mean we are in for a bad year.

      I never even thought that someone might be worried about me today when I didn't get on, I just had to get caught up on some household chores. I am going on a mini vacation with my husband this weekend to celebrate our anniversary. So I had lots to do.

      I hope all is going well with you, I am going to check your hub right now and see if you have posted any updates.

      Thanks for thinking about me sweety, Your a great friend, I mean mate. Again thanks ag, just for being you.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      G'day mate just heard on the news that a Tornado has swept thru Oklahama .

      Are you OK?

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Thanks C.S., you're right, nobody like a quitter, not even me.

    • C.S.Alexis profile image

      C.S.Alexis 8 years ago from NW Indiana

      Nobody likes a quitter! NICE!

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Thanks, I am an extremely twisted person, but my chiropractor is working on it.

    • Wrinkle Experts profile image

      Wrinkle Experts 8 years ago from Central PA

      I like the twisted way you put things.

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Damn, that was fast. Sorry I missed you. I had parents picking up kids and snacks to feed them, also I tried to catch a tv show while the kids were napping. Anyway I'll take chocolate wherever I can get it, face toes whatever. Thanks for the musing.

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Chocolate on the face! Hell let me put some on those toes and i'll have a ball/ You hereby have been officialy mused beautiful, quik 'nuff?

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      It has been awhile. It would be nice if we could all get together and have a little fun.

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      I will try to be online and see where the action is? It's been a while Spryte, Shades, MM, Cindy, Christoph, and so many others have joined at the same time. Ok then back to work. Bye for now.

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      I don't know CW. Are you going to be on later tonight? Maybe we can do some hubjacking? I have missed that alot.

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      Gwendy- I sure could do with a nice party. Btw where is the venue? :-)

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Lgali, Thats my motto.

      CW, I missed you too. Let's get the party started!

      Specificity, a movie huh, what have you heard? The artist is always the last to know.

    • Specificity profile image

      Specificity 8 years ago from EAU CLAIRE, WI

      I started to read this hub, but I think I'll wait for the movie to come out. :-)

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      We all missed your company and now that you are back we can have a party ;)

    • Lgali profile image

      Lgali 8 years ago

      LOL Don't clean your house

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      CW, I am glad to be back, I have missed you all terribly. It's funny that you commented on here as I was just reading a hub of yours and got caught up in the comments and needed break and to my surprise I had a comment from you. I am now going back to comment on yours. Thanks for the welcome back!

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      Gwendy- Good Morning!! What a pleasant surprise. We all missed you over here. I hope you are doing well.  Welcome back to Hub family.

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      DarleneMarie, thanks for stopping by. glad you enjoyed it.

      Shirley, Glad you liked it. I say start using the techniques now and stop getting sucked into the self improvement hype! I'm telling you it's just a big conspiracy to get us all to fail and feel miserable about ourselves. Be wary.

      SandraBean, Thanks!

    • SandraBean profile image

      SandraBean 8 years ago from Canada

      HA! I love it! #2 & #5 nearly killed me...so funny!

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      I'm still laughing at that video! These are great pointers, Gwendymom! I've already started incorporating them into my non-improvement plan, thanks.

    • DarleneMarie profile image

      DarleneMarie 8 years ago from USA

      Loved your Hub Gwendy. Funny spin on our obessiveness around the beginning of the year with all of our resolutiosn.

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Sorry it took so long to get back to you guys, I have been busy. I was painting my sons bedroom today and yesterdat I had to take my daughter to the orthodontist. Anyway. CW, only send me a shrink that is good looking as sixty says they sleep with their patients, I don't want to have to lower my standards.

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      CW Shrinks cannot be trusted! They end up sleeping with their patients if most stories are to be beieved. Gwendy don't do anything you don't want to! watch that smooth tongue!

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Hurry, I'm curled up in the fetal position in the corner.

    • Constant Walker profile image

      Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

      lol. Oh, I caught it. I'm sending a shrink to your place. He's kind of needy but don't worry, he has no problem sleeping in the garage.

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Sweetie Pie, Thanks for stopping by. I was in a weird place when I wrote this, mentally not like at the circus or anything.

      Sixty, So glad to see your smiling face. I'm glad you loved it.

      Violet sun, that technique can be used on husbands and boyfriends too.

      Constant Walker. Glad I brought a smile to your face. I know there is something wrong with me. Hubs like these are a cry from help and noone has caught that yet.

    • Constant Walker profile image

      Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

      -VioletSun. You look ALOT like a younger version of my sister. I had to look, like, three times and even clicked on your picture to make sure. Wow, a doppleganger!

    • Constant Walker profile image

      Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

      I loved it, Gwendy. Funny stuff! I started laughing at "greedy little bastards" and was smiling the entire way through.

      PS: I think there's something wrong with you...

    • VioletSun profile image

      VioletSun 8 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      LOL! Number 10 is my most favorite one even if I don't have children.

      Fun hub, Gwendymom.

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      Gwendymom Great advice I love it. My take on this subject is not in the same league as yours. All 10 get top marks in my book

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

      Number two actually reminded me of something I read the other day on a blog. The man was so paranoid charities were running out to his money :). Thanks for the entertaining hub.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      NO. 8 sounds like me anyway with my bad knee...This was very funny thanks...G-Ma :o) Hugs & Peace

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      Mind you, 4 & 5 contradict, because smokers usually put weight on when they quit (-:

    • Elena. profile image

      Elena. 8 years ago from Madrid

      What a riot, fun fun fun! That was certainly a very original approach to the hubmob topic! Kudos! I loved #4 & #5, nobody likes a quitter and nobody likes a skinny friend anyway!

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Princessa, it is always good to see your smiling face.

      Londongirl, go ahead, try it. You will be entertained, I promise.

      CR, hey good buddy, long time no talk. I have tried this many times and my kids now expect it from me. They just roill their eyes back and ignore me as usual. I'm not sure whats different. I was kinda excited that I was feeling back in my groove and I had to hold myself back from typing I"M BACK BITCHES! Glad you liked it, and sorry bout that, I knew I couldn't control myself for very long. We realy need to do some hubjacking, this place is getting too serious and we have got to kick start a party. Hopefully soon.

      Rockinjoe, there is no bigger comment when someone as funny as you actually likes my work, now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I hope it's not stomach flu.

      Misty, I am so glad I made you LOL, and I mean that in a good way. :)

      B.T. Crack filled donuts? Aren't they also known as butter tarts? Can I share? The only resolution that is worth having is one you are wanting to break, just like rules.

      Ajcor, i miss you! Glad you stopped by. I plan on doing everyone of these things, maybe repeatedly.

      Dottie, Number ten is a classic. Everyone should do this at least once, just for the priceless look on your kids faces. Glad you did quit, but I am not sure I can be friends with you now. You dang quitter you.

      Tripletmom, You are so welcome, come back anytime!

    • Triplet Mom profile image

      Triplet Mom 8 years ago from West Coast

      Gwendymom, I am with everyone else #10 is great. I can just imagine the look on my kids faces once I did that. Thanks for a great laugh!

    • Dottie1 profile image

      Dottie1 8 years ago from MA, USA

      Hahaha so funny! I loved #10 too. Anyone with kids would probably get a chuckle out of that. As far as #4, too late...gosh darnit!

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Great read Gwendymom, particularly no.9 - sometime I see fridges that remind me of laboratory experiments..... 10 is good also and as for 1 and 2 great - hang on there I could really go for all of them.....cheers

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

      Sweet! I'm giving up my resolutions tonight! Now, where can I find some crack-filled donuts at this time of night? BTW, I speak with authority when I say that #10 works like a charm.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Great Hub Gwendy, your top 10 made me laugh out loud :)

    • rockinjoe profile image

      Joseph Addams 8 years ago from Standing right behind you!

      I'm kicking myself for not thinking of this one first. I love #4! Great hub! Hysterical.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Hi, Gwendymom! Glad to see you haven't lost the "Gwendymom" funny bone! Very funny! I don't have kids either, but I agree with everyone else that it's a stupendous idea. It would really make an impact, I think. You should try it and let us know how it works out.

      So good to see you. (Something is different about this hub, though. Can't put my finger on it. Well, it's a good thing, whatever it is!) I haven't had much time on Hubpages either. Maybe we'll all be able to get together one evening just like old times!

      See ya in the funny papers!

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      No. 10 tempts me, must admit...

    • Princessa profile image

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      This was so funny, I loved 9 and 10 but I think i do that already anyway LOL

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Ripplemaker, glad I brought a grin to your face.

      Spryte, I agree, why do anything different. Have you got your wii yet? I am ready to get started when you are.

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      LegendaryN8, Glad I made you ha-ha. Thanks for stopping by.

      CW- Your just too cute.

      Rgraf- I practice number 9 on a regular basis. I am still awaiting my check from Pfizer. as for number 7 I do not have a job away from home, so the only person I could call in to is me and I know how I am and wouldn't believe me anyway.

      Thanks Julie, I'm always glad when you stop in.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      I love #10 too :) If I had kids, I'd try it for sure!

      I'm not about to do anything new in 2009 that I didn't do in 2008. Well, except for my Wii...but that counts as fun and not really as exercise. Speaking of which....we need to hook up on Wii soon.

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Hi Gwendy mom, I was grinning the whole time. LOL

    • Julie-Ann Amos profile image

      Julie-Ann Amos 8 years ago from Gloucestershire, UK

      Negative marketing - great idea!

    • RGraf profile image

      Rebecca Graf 8 years ago from Wisconsin

      I love 7 and 9!!!!!! I could go for those :)

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      Now I can't bear to see even a cartoon bear get hurt..hehe

    • LegendaryN8 profile image

      LegendaryN8 8 years ago from USA

      Haha - love #10.

    • gwendymom profile image
      Author

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Patty, I think it could work too and I am seriously thinking about trying it. Glad you enjoyed, thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read it.

      CW, so glad to see you. I think I was secretly taped trying to workout and someone replaced me for a cartoon bear. I never get any privacy around here.

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      WOW!! Those are some great don'ts. I loved that treadmill video and once even I almost lost my balance when I was going at a higher speed. Thumbs Up for another great creative hub.

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 8 years ago from North America

      I really like Number 10 and think it could work! :)

      Thumbs up!