Weekly Best Movie Quotes Christmas Edition #6
This is a weekly posting of ten movie quotes that have made a lasting, memorable impression with audiences. In no particular order, here is this week’s best movie quotes. But this week is a little different, as it's the week of Christmas. So before we go any further, let me just say, Merry Christmas, Happy hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus, Happy Holidays, Happy Everything. This week's set of quotes are from Christmas movies that have left an impression on me during previous holiday seasons.
Santa Clause (Voiced by Stan Francis) - Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer
“Rudolf with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
The discriminated against red-nosed reindeer, who is a victim of many hate crimes from the others, deals with being a misfit throughout the entire stop-motion film. However, it is at the conclusion of this Christmas movie that we see the underdog truly become appreciated, as he finds out his nose was not something to be ashamed of, but a guiding beacon to pierce the stormy weather with.
Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) - Home Alone
Kevin McCallister: “Everyone in this family hates me!”
Kate McCallister (Catherine O'Hara): “Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.”
Kevin McCallister: “I don’t want another family. I don’t want any family. Families suck!
Kate McCallister: “Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.”
Kevin McCallister: “I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.”
Kate McCallister: “I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.”
Kevin McCallister: “No, I wouldn't.”
Kate McCallister: “Then say it again. Maybe it will happen.”
Kevin McCallister: “I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!”
While not the happiest set of lines that I could have taken from this Christmas film, they establish the notion of not cherishing the things we have until they are lost.The dialogue between the young Kevin and his mother are hilarious and are relatable for anyone who feels like the misfit of a large family. However, I didn’t pick this exchange for its comedic value, but rather because of Kevin’s realization at the film’s conclusion of his family’s importance. It’s an excellent Christmas message and the movie is a classic. If you haven’t seen it, this one’s definitely worth a watch, especially with the family, and if you have, give it a revisit.
Willie (Billy Bob Thornton) - Bad Santa
“I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 21/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this!”
While most parents found out the hard way (even though the film’s rated R), when taking their kids to see this movie in theaters, Bad Santa is definitely not your typical Christmas movie. The humor’s dirty, raunchy, and disturbing, but that’s what fans would say makes it so great. There are numerous funny quotes that could have been yanked directly from this comedy, but this introduction to Willie is an excellent foundation to build the rest of the film from. Directly after this little inner-monologue, the boozed up mall Santa proceeds to vomit. If you’re okay with some adult material you might want to check it out, but this one’s not for the kiddies.
Linus Van Pelt (Christopher Shea) - A Charlie Brown Christmas
“I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.”
Who hasn’t seen A Charlie Brown Christmas? Everyone will agree with me that there are a number of unforgettable lines that I could have selected from the Peanuts cast. However, this one has been parioded more times than I care to count and for good reason. Linus’s pure spirit and positive outlook on life shines at its fullest here and demonstrates true Christmas values. This movie defines the word classic and will always hold a special place in my heart.
John McClane (Bruce Willis) - Die Hard
“Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…”
As many often forget, this classic action film’s story is set during a Christmas Party, so I call it an unconventional Christmas movie. John McClane finds himself in a loan wolf scenario as criminals take over the Nakatomi Plaza building, where he was meeting with his estranged wife during a holiday celebration. This sarcastic quote is a perfect representation of the NY officer’s complicated situation. While others were partying, John McClane was too busy defending the innocent and his family.
Bernard (David Krumsholtz) – The Santa Clause
Bernard: “The Santa Clause: In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all right to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpetuity to which some time the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design.”
Scott Calvin (Tim Allen): “What does that mean?”
Bernard: “It means: If you put on the suit, you're the big guy.”
Tim Allen is certainly in his element in this holiday flick. After accidently startling the real Santa Clause off his roof, Scott Calvin finds himself flying around in the deceased jolly man’s sleigh and delivering gifts with his son Charlie (Eric Llyod). However, it’s when they reach the North Pole that the man is informed that he has actually opted into a binding contract. It’s a great comedy and has a lot of heart. If you’re looking for a good family movie that’s both fun for you and the kids, it’s definitely worth a watch or a revisit.
Ghost of Christmas Present (Carol Kane) - Scrooged
Ghost of Christmas Present: “Close your eyes! And think of snowflakes and moonbeams and whiskers on kittens…” (Gouges his eyes)
“No peeking!” (Another attempt at poking his eyes and Frank closes his eyes)
“Of rainbows, forget-me-nots…of misty meadows and sun-dappled pools. Oh, look! There’s Mr. Hedgehog. I wonder where he’s going? Perhaps to Harlem!” (Punches Frank in the jaw)
Frank Cross (Bill Murray): “My jaw!”
Ghost of Christmas Present: “Sometimes the truth is painful, Frank.” (She slaps his face) “But it's made your cheeks rosy and your eyes bright!”
In addition to hitting Frank (Bill Murray) with a toaster, the Ghost of Christmas Present (Carol Kane) continues to slap sense into the scrooge during her time with him. While there certainly are other memorable quotes throughout the film, this one always stands because of the hilarious lines and persistently physical (violent?) nature of the ghost. If you’ve seen this movie, there’s no way this painfully blunt lesson will be easily forgotten.
Narrator (Jimmy Durante) - Frosty the Snowman
“Hocus-Pocus explained the situation to Santa, who as you know, speaks fluent rabbit.”
There’s not much to say about this narration. While there are other Frosty quotes, I went with this one because it’s so bizarre. I mean seriously just read it and try not to laugh! In all honesty, it’s news to me that Santa speaks rabbit, but maybe I’m just out of the loop.
Santa Claus - Santa Claus (1959)
“Oh! Darn that devil, Pitch! Why, if I were on Earth right now, I’d put him in his place! But even he knows I can only return to Earth one night a year.”
I know what you’re all thinking, and yes, Santa’s antagonist in this movie is a demon. The very notion of such a thing even being in a Christmas movie is bizarre enough, and the notion of Santa Claus fighting him is equally as strange or even downright insane. If you haven’t seen this movie and you’re looking for a seasonal film that’s “different,” you might one check it out but I say otherwise let it pass. It’s certainly a weird one, but unforgettable to say the least.
Buddy the elf (Will Ferrell) – Elf
Gimbel’s Santa (Artie Lange): “Now what can I get you for Christmas?”
Buddy: “Don't tell him what you want, he's a liar.”
Gimbel’s Santa: “Let the kid talk.”
Buddy: “You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?”
Gimbel’s Santa: “Just cool it, Zippy.”
Buddy: “You sit on a throne of lies.”
Will Ferrell is in his prime as the misguided, naive elf that is thrust into the bustling city. As some of the others on our list, there were numerous quotes that I could’ve pulled from this comedy, but this one is just great. Already knowing that Santa does exist, Buddy exposes the false Saint Nick. This one’s a great comedy for the whole family and never fails to leave me laughing.
Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) - Batman Returns
Alfred (Michael Gough): “Well, come what may. Merry Christmas Mister Wayne.”
Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton): “Merry Christmas Alfred. Goodwill towards men… and women.”
This one’s another one that doubles as a holiday story, as only Tim Burton can deliver. While the main part of the story obviously revolves around Batman’s struggle against the crime boss, Oswald Cobblepot or the Penguin (Danny Devito), one cannot deny the Christmas ambiance. In fact, the villain’s origin and distrust for people was derived from a tragic Christmas. However, I chose this quote because not only does it showcases a tender Christmas moment between Bruce and his loyal butler, but expresses the Dark Knight’s feelings for the film’s antihero, Catwoman. An excellent superhero adaptation and a satisfying, but dark Christmas flick.
Narrator (Boris Karloff) - How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
“And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two!”
It is at this point in the Grinch’s horrible tale of defiling Christmas that the vile green villain sees the error of his ways. As the narrator (interesting enough, horror legend Boris Karloff) delivers the words of Dr. Seuss through clever rhyme, we see the transformation of the horrible fiend into the kind individual who carves the roast beast for the whos. The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but it is his heart that eventually drives him to return it.
Santa Clause (Jeff Gillen) - A Christmas Story
“You’ll shoot your eye out kid.”
Self-narrating, little Ralphie (Peter Billingsley) craves nothing more than the lever action, Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas and is consistently reminded by adults throughout the movie that one of his eyes will undoubtedly be a casualty. However, the most memorable uttering of this line is the infamous mall Santa Clause encounter (As TBS reminds us relentlessly through commercials). Overwhelmed by the crazed-looking elves and an impatient Santa, Ralphie compltely agrees to a football. However, it is only after the poor boy is descending down the exit slide that he halts himself and declares his true Christmas desire. But it is the jolly man's immediate response, without missing a beat, that makes this the most memorable occurrence. With a "ho ho ho," he proceeds to push the rejected kid back down with a nudge of his boot to the head.
Johnny (Ralph Foody) - Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
“Maybe I'm off my hinges, but I believe you. That's why I'm gonna let you go. I'm gonna give you to the count of three to get your lousy, lyin', low-down, four flushing carcass OUT my door! 1... 2...”
(Fires Tommy gun)
“Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.”
(Burst of gun fire)
“And a Happy New Year.”
If you’ve read my other quote from Johnny’s first outing in the original Home Alone (Last quote), or have seen the films than you know the fictional gangster, from the movie within the movie, is simply hilarious. This second appearance is equally as funny and has to be seen to do true justice. I particularly enjoy the way he continues to fire on the cheating girl’s corpse after the fact and wishes her both a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
“Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?”
I love Chevy Chase and this is unquestionably my favorite of all his movies. There's a smorgaborg of memorable lines and scenes in this Christmas flick, but this little speech certainly stands out amongst the bunch. Already financially committed to purchasing a pool for his family for Christmas, Clark Griswold is displeased to discover that his normal Christmas Bonus is nothing more than a jelly of the month subscription. Chase does an astounding job delivering the speech and his facial expressions only further sell the entire performance. Not only is the list of insults just hilarious, but the ending of the rant perfectly concludes it. I dedicate this quote to the Griswold Family Christmas!