- Entertainment and Media
Walmart China: Every Day Low Prices On Weird Stuff
What happens when I’m bored? Well, I had to give up staring out the window because I ended up dyeing my eyebrows and attending my own funeral disguised as a guy named Phil Chifley. “Get rid of cable.” Ok, not really. But I do like to seek out funny and unusual stuff to keep my mind occupied. I suppose I could look up ways to create green energy using old muck boots and a soda bottle or how to clone my own chicken using baking soda and a thumbtack.
While I was perusing the dregs of the internet, I came across a wonderful little site called BuzzFeed. And listed on this delightful site was a photo essay entitled “16 Items They Only Sell At Chinese Wal-Marts.” What makes the Wal-Marts in China so different than the Wal-Marts in the US? Well, besides the more upscale dress code, I give you their 16 items unique to China with my commentary as a free, added bonus.
When I have absolutely no idea what to make for dinner, my first thought is, of course, crocodile. Why wouldn’t it be? They taste like chicken, right? Brown up a pound of croc, toss in some Croc-Helper and dinner is served. I wonder what kind of veggie goes with crocodile. It couldn’t be just any wimpy vegetable. It would have to be fierce and confident. Artichoke! Yep, it’s tough, hard to eat and green. It’s the perfect accompaniment to crocodile. It’ll be the next epicurean wave. Look for it at Red Lobster next year.
2. Bulk Rice
Buying rice in bulk actually makes a lot of sense to me. But why is there such a big price difference between the two kinds? Is one grown exclusively for the rice connoisseur? Is the cheaper variety that less rice tasting? Was it grown on the bad side of the rice paddy? I guess the only way to find out is to hop a plane to China and go see for myself. Anyone want to donate a dollar to my research fund? I promise to write a hub about it when I get back. Seriously.
3. Mixed Meat
Is it me or should these folks be wearing plastic gloves and standing behind a sneeze guard? Maybe it’s a new method of tenderizing tough meat. I’m not sure I want to buy my meat from a large, open, container filled with all sorts of mixed meat that Billybob Lee and all of his cousins have man-handled. And how do you know they washed their hands first. You just don’t know where they’ve been before they decided to stop by the meat department and fondle some unnamed meat parts. Heck, they might have just come from caressing the crocodiles and gotten croc cooties all over the mystery meat.
4. Orange Juice & Cooking Oil
I can understand bundling phone with internet. I can even understand bundling a trial size with a full size product. But, for the life of me, I don’t get bundling orange juice with cooking oil. Is there some fantastic recipe in China that calls for mixing OJ and corn oil? I can only guess that it has something to do with fish since there is a fish on the front of the cooking oil jug. Maybe, frying fish is so laborious and exhausting that the cook needs to consume the orange juice to keep up their strength. It might be something as simple as being part of a wacky game shows where the contestant has to create a tasty yet original recipe using only the ingredients contained in a wicker basket.
I wonder if this is anything like soft shelled crab. I’ve heard of turtle soup, but I always pictured the chef, out on the open ocean in a rowboat, slowly tracking the ancient sea turtle. I never suspected that all the chef had to do was jump on a bicycle and peddle over to Wal-Mart to pick up a half dozen semi-domesticated turtles to throw in the pot. When I was a kid, I used to steal a couple of goldfish out of my dad’s bait bucket. I wonder if little Jimmy Chen has ever stolen a turtle off of the counter before it ended up as dinner.
6. Your Guess Is As Good As Mine.
What the heck are those? Is that some sort of snake jerky? Can you slice it up and serve it on crackers with a nice little aged cheddar? It doesn’t look like any kind of mineral or vegetable I’ve ever seen, not that I’ve traveled the vastness of the world and seen a whole lot. But I have never seen anything like that in my travels around the US. I must not be looking in the right places. And if I don’t know what it is, how the heck can I cook it? If it tastes like banana and I cut it up and dropped it into a stew pot with potatoes, carrots, onion and celery, I doubt even the dog would eat it. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that billybuc would eat it. Have you seen his recipes for bachelors? Ew.
7. Walmart Brand Spirits ($0.15)
That looks a lot like grain alcohol! And it’s just sitting out in the aisle like the pallets of toilet paper and cheesy poofs. I’m thinking that if this was the case in the US, every teen within a hundred miles would be shopping at Wal-Mart every Friday night before heading out to their favorite party spot. Pick up a couple bottles on Walmart brand alcohol and a couple of flavor enhancers for water and you have a party in a bottle for under five bucks. Man, what I wouldn’t have given for some cheap entertainment like that when I was a teen. We had to settle for poking road kill with a stick, that is, until the bears found out and ran us off.
8. Rib Cages
I’m really hoping that those ribs are from a tasty animal like cow, pig or lamb. I would hate to think that the zombie apocalypse was being exploited and commercialized by Walmart in China. Makes me wonder what else the product specialists have in store for the average consumer; feet, liver, tongue or maybe heart? What’s that you say? Those products are already commonly found in the meat department? Wow, I need to expand my shopping horizons and get with the program.
9. Assorted Dried Reptiles
Realizing that they were missing out on a very large demographic, Wal-Mart began offering a wide variety of ingredients and items for the practicing witch and warlock. I’m sure if asked nicely, the associate in the Pagan Department would be more than happy to custom grind and blend free of charge.
No offense to the witches and warlocks of the world, without you, there would be no magic.
10. Boxes Of Liquor
You can’t beat an adult candy store with everything on my wish list. With all the money to be saved on everyday items, why not splurge a little and get a little something for yourself? Nothing says success like a fully stocked liquor cabinet when the neighbors come over. You will be the talk of the neighborhood and the cool place to hang out. I bet the hardware department has everything you need to build the ultimate bar to showcase your excellent taste in adult beverages. Stock up now for the holiday season.
No more pulling an all-nighter at the local swamp jigging for frogs for this kid. Nope, now I can sleep in as late as I want and buy them at my leisure. I’m guaranteed to get just as many as I need for a frog leg dinner when Bobbie Joe and his lovely girlfriend, Missy Sue stop by to chew the fat.
I wonder how they keep those critters from jumping out of the tank. And do they have a frog wrangler standing by in case there's a frog stampede?
12. A Large Selection Of Chopsticks
This item is something I was just not expecting to find in a Chinese Wal-Mart. Now why would someone possibly need such a wide variety of chopsticks? Are some like every day, ordinary chop sticks? And others are for more upscale occasions like when the mother in law is coming over to criticize and belittle every aspect of your life? I, myself, prefer the multi-colored pack. I’ll take a dozen, please.
Oh the things I could do if only I had a semi-prepared duck. I dream of a wall of ducks just hanging around waiting for me to stop by and toss a couple in my shopping cart. Then I would hurry home and fire up the grill. I would prepare a tasty treat for my family and they would praise my greatness though song and poem. If only Walmart sold duck!
14. Great Value Brand Beef Granules
Nothing says “I love you” like a big ole bag of Great Value Brand Beef Granules, especially the hot and spicy kind. I can’t even imagine what you could use these for. Maybe playing practical jokes on the neighborhood kids at Halloween. They think they’re getting something gooey, chewy and totally awesome. But after a minute of popping one into their sweet little mouths, a volcano of heat and fire so hot, only to souls trapped in the flames of eternal damnation know the depths of the pain.
15. Pig Faces
Yummm! I loves me some pig faces! I was unaware that China held a substantial population of rednecks and backwoods inhabitants. Who else would find animal faces nutritious and equally delicious? This gives me and my kinfolk a whole new region to explore and exploit. I am overcome with excitement and joy at the possibility of expanding my horizons through cultural exchange. Pardon me while I go load up the 4 x 4 hillbilly style and relocate to a new land of opportunity filled with pleasant peasants and friendly farmers.
16. Antibacterial Bikini Underwear For Men
After some extensive research, I discovered that antibacterial underwear is used to “reduce the opportunity of candida albicans affection.” And they reduce the chance of contracting mites in the delicate areas of the body, namely the ‘private parts.’ So, my understanding is, if you find that mites are developing an affection for your nether regions, wearing these special undergarments would be an appropriate response, and to do so immediately. Gotcha.
I would buy a shark if only to take it to the community swimming pool and pull the biggest hijinks since the Baby Ruth on the bottom of the pool shenanigans.
Do you shop at Walmart?
There you have it, my friends, that's what happens when I get bored. I guess it beats hiding out for the rest of my life from the mafia because I was staring out the window. And it's cheaper than a Happy Meal for two on a Saturday night, but not as romantic, unless the mites are feeling a little frisky.
And while shopping, please remember the rules:
- Attention Shoppers: Here Are the Rules on How to Behave in and at Walmart!
A request for people to act like civilized human beings at Walmart.
- Walmart Shopping Etiquette 101
Walmart is the best place to find great deals, but sometimes folks can be a little rude. With this handy guide, Walmart Shopping Etiquette 101, I hope to change all of that!