What Kind of Parent Are You?
How to Tell if You are a Good Parent
It amazes me that there is so much written about how to be a good parent. You often stumble across article after article in books, on TV and the Internet. Entire magazines are devoted to analyzing your child’s behavior, future prospects in life, eating, sleeping, and bathroom habits. You name it – someone out there has done a study on it and can tell you what kind of serial killer your child may turn out to be if you don’t correct it –NOW!
Then, the experts tell you, of what kinds of permanent damage to their little psyches you are doing by correcting them in the first place as you are probably doing it wrong. Like Goldilocks you constantly have to juggle between too much and too little to hopefully find just right and politically correct ways to keep your little darlings under control without turning them into misogynistic dweebs that become maladjusted adults with a fetish for bathroom behavior.
What Were We Thinking???
Test Yourself and Find Out
After reading many articles that either have me laughing out loud at the sheer idiocy of the proposals or in outright anger at the obvious manipulation of parents by society’s demand for perfection, I’ve decided that there must be an easier way to determine how your child will turn out as an adult. Who needs all the hype and hoopla created by media and the overpaid psychiatrists? Just ask another mother, she’ll tell you exactly where and when you went wrong.
I’ve devised this simple 4 question test to easily determine the probable adult behavior of your child based on the parents answers to the following situations:
1. Your toddler, after learning the basic words of mama, dada, kitty, bottle, and other endearing words – learns the word “shit”. You immediately:
a. Look horrified and attempt to stop any more utterances of this by explaining that it is a BAD WORD!
b. Laugh hysterically and call your best friend with “guess what so and so just said” and attempt to get your child to repeat it over the phone.
c. Do a double take – and ask your child to repeat what you just thought you heard. Then proceed to ignore it as the child doesn’t realize what has been said and will stop on their own if no attention is given to them.
d. Do nothing immediately to the child but proceed to schedule a conference with the child’s pediatrician, his other parent and look up numbers for a child therapist – just in case.
2. Your kindergartner comes home from school and proceeds to explain in good detail, using the appropriate body parts, what exactly happens to make babies. You immediately:
a. Look horrified, send them to their room and call the school in hysterics about what your child was told today. Then tell your child that whoever told him this was lying, it really is the stork.
b. Laugh at the serious look on your child’s face and tell them they won’t have to worry about babies for a few years until they are in high school.
c. Listen attentively, and then clarify that although anatomically correct – that there is a lot more involved in making babies than that – there is commitment and feelings etc.
d. Listen gravely, send the child to his room to play and call an emergency conference with the child’s regular counselor to set up extra therapy to deal with the trauma.
3. You Jr. high student comes home and proceeds to tell you that they have a boy/girlfriend. You immediately:
a. Look horrified, send them to their room and call the other child’s parents to tell them what a rotten kid they have to lead your child in such a manner. Then explain to your child that they are much too young to think of such relationships.
b. Grin and ask your child “are they hot?” Listen to every detail and offer dating advice.
c. Listen closely to your child’s description of the relationship and ask a few questions to make sure that they comprehend exactly what they are saying and are being age appropriate.
d. Listen closely to the child, say nothing one way or another, but immediately call the adolescent therapist you child has graduated to. Express your concerns about possible maladjustment in their sexuality.
4. Your high school student comes home and tells you that it has been announced that one of the well liked students has been found to be pregnant. You immediately:
a. Look horrified, send them to their room, call the school and demand that teachers and faculty need to address this issue in a more suitable manner and inform the parents before discussing these types of matters with your child.
b. Grin and ask your child if this is something they either a.(male) had something to do with or b.(female) gonna follow the crowd on this one?
c. Listen to your child and discuss with them the consequences of the other students’ actions and what it will mean for the rest of their lives in a manner that the child can relate to.
d. Listen gravely, send the child to do their homework then call the therapist for an emergency meeting while making plans to transfer your child to the nearest same sex school.
And the Results Are....
Now, based on your answers, when your child reaches 18, the following will most likely occur.
If you answered mostly:
a. Your child will leave home and moving as far away and as soon as possible, thanking their lucky stars that they have escaped the obvious insanity that seems prevalent amongst their kin. They vow never to visit such things as storks, fairy tale romances or the myth of high school wonder years on their own children.
b. Your child will announce that they have met the love of their life, is moving to México or Africa to run a farm, tattoo the name of their rock band on a usually covered part of their anatomy, get the same area pierced, live with six other people of the opposite sex, or any combination of the above. They will often end up the guest of various government establishments. They will vow never to have children because they are just too much responsibility.
c. Your child will excel in college, move steadily up the career ladder, be divorced at least once, worry most about what they are wearing, thinking and doing in order to “have it all” and spend their latter years worrying about growing old and the latest medicines and procedures that can help them live longer. They vow that their children will be allowed to be children without the rules and responsibility imposed upon them.
d. You will not have to worry about this child, they will never leave home. They will live in your basement with their computers or cats, afraid that anyone they might is either a pervert or only likes them because they can get free software from them. They will never have children because they are afraid of everyone else and the diseases and the mess and socialization.
(This is of course a non scientific questionaire, your results may vary, all taxes, license and registration fees due at the time of testing)
So there you have it, all in 4 simple easy to follow questions and answers. You know what kind of parent you are. Now you won’t have to waste your time reading all those How To articles on how to raise the perfect child. You can spend more time finding ways to perfect your natural parenting skills as handed down to you by your parents and their parents before them. It’s evolution at its finest.