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When Wheezy Was Breaking Bad
Wheezy Comes Out of the Closet
His name is Wheezy.
He's a stuffed animal penguin with a red bowtie, and he's one of my best friends.
Wheezy was a Disney character, but he's retired now.
If you remember, Wheezy was a minor Disney character in Toy Story 2, Toy Story 3, and Buzz Lightyear of Star Command: The Adventure Begins. He had a very tough life before he met me. He was a pretty much a neglected character in Disney lore. He always felt like he got the dirty end of the stick in life.
He was originally Andy's (Toy Story 2) toy. He asked his mother to fix his squeaker, but she never did. His mother put poor Wheezy back up on the dusty shelf and, for the most part, was forgotten and without a squeaker to his name. He later developed a bad cough and chronic asthma from the dusty shelf.
A few years ago he was given to my girlfriend as a gift, who packed him into a box and stored him in the closet. I could never understand why such a beautiful stuffed animal was hidden from the world. I later rescued him from an eternal life of darkness and the smell of moth balls. He now keeps me company when I watch TV shows like Breaking Bad on Netflix and he often is seen by my bed on the night table when I go to sleep.
Until he met me, he was destined to live a life of silence and obscurity.
Once out of the closet he began to experience life and to watch TV shows that humans typically enjoy.
Me, Wheezy and Netflix
At the beginning, Wheezy was a pretty typical stuffed animal. He just stood there and looked at you with his cloth black and white eyes and his plush body. He never made demands or became a nuisance.
He would stand there with his wings jutting out and his eyes a bit droopy and pout.
But he was always a good listener. He'd give you excellent eye contact and a friendly face. He wouldn't say anything or nod his head, but you knew he was there listening to every word that you said. And Wheezy would never interrupt you no matter how disagreeable and obnoxious you were.
You could tell him anything. You could tell him about happy things like getting a promotion or disturbing things like being sued or bloody things like accidentally slicing off your fingers on a meat slicer or intimate things like buying a new sex toy that you got over the internet.
He was never judgmental. He didn't care what you did or where you came from or what your religious beliefs were--he only cared about you.
He accepted life as it was. He accepted everyone. He went with the flow during good and bad times.
He never asked for anything or made demands on me. If I put him to sleep, he wouldn't challenge my authority or say that going to bed at 7pm was too early. He was very cooperative. He was the perfect stuffed animal.
Until one day.
That was the day I got Netflix and I began to watch those shows that I never had a chance to see.
That was the day when Wheezy changed.
Wheezy Binging on Brownies
Wheezy, Breaking Bad
On the surface, we seemed to be having fun, enjoying various TV shows. While I preferred hot, steamy French movies, he preferred adult drama shows. We had no trouble taking turns.
Then it happened. I decided to watch, Breaking Bad. Little did I know how much that TV show would impact my poor Wheezy.
At first he didn't seem interested in the show, feeling that it was just about a high school teacher who was mistreated by his students. As the show progressed, Walter (the main character) became more assertive and aggressive with others. He stopped taking crap from people and stopped biting his tongue. When Walter learned of his diagnosis of lung cancer, he began to change. He felt that his time on earth was limited, so he decided that he would live each day like it was his last by taking more risks, not being a pushover and defending himself.
Walter then decided to cook meth so his family would be taken care of financially when he dies.
Walter's life seemed to parallel the life of Wheezy.
Wheezy felt that his asthma was getting worse. Already, his vocal chords or squeaker was gone. What next? he thought. So he wanted to make enough money so he could give to his Disney friends when his seams start to come apart and can't keep his head up anymore. He wanted his friends to be well taken care of when he dies and not depend on humans, like myself, to take care of them.
So Wheezy gave up his life of leisure and began to cook.
Indeed, Wheezy was breaking bad.
Wheezy's First Partner Overdosed
Brownies, Brownies, and More Brownies
Wheezy loved brownies. You might say that he was addicted.
Initially, Wheezy teamed up with the Pillsbury Doughboy to make brownies since the Doughboy knew something about baking.
The two didn't have to find an RV to cook in. They didn't mind cooking at home since their Smart TV was there and they could watch Netflix while their brownies were in the oven.
They could also enlist Peas-in-the-Pod and Mickey and other Disney friends to go out in the streets and sell the brownies. They could stand on a corner or they could get a little truck and huckster the brownies door-to-door.
Unfortunately, the Pillsbury Doughboy couldn't take the life of being a brownie cook. Being around all those brownies was just too tempting. He overdosed on a batch of chocolate brownies that was too sweet and laced with dark chocolate.
He just didn't know when to stop.
The Best Brownie Cooks in Town
Cliff Paul Joins Wheezy
Wheezy was in a bind.
It was too difficult to cook brownies alone. He needed someone reliable and not an addict himself.
Wheezy looked hi and lo and he finally met his future brownie partner at a Los Angeles Clippers game one night.
It was Cliff Paul bobble head night. Cliff Paul is the nerdy brother of Chris Paul, NBA all-star.
The two clicked immediately.
Cliff Paul said he was tired of being a nice guy and he wanted to be where the action was. "The insurance business was just too dull," he said.
The two winked at each other and began discussing the terms of the deal; what Cliff Paul's cut was; how many brownies they had to produce. And most importantly, the potency of the brownies.
Wheezy wanted to maintain a very potent brownie mix, about 95% pure.
Cliff Paul agreed, the two shook heads, and so a profitable relationship had begun.
Spreading the Brownie Dough onto the Pan
Licking the Spatula
Wheezy and Cliff Paul had a system.
They would buy a box of Betty Crocker gluten-free brownie mix from Ralph's.
They would put out all the supplies on the kitchen counter.
Wheezy turned on the oven to 350 degrees.
Both would empty the ingredients into a large mixing bowl and add melted butter, two eggs and a secret ingredient.
It was that easy.
They would mix the batter and together would pour the bowl out into a circular baking pan.
Since they liked their brownies crispy on the edges, they let the brownies cook an extra 5-minutes to 35.
Both Cliff Paul and Wheezy licked the spatula.
Their eyes were glassy from the sugar and the chocolate and all they wanted to do was watch Netflix and wait for the oven timer to go off.
They allowed a half-hour for the brownies to cool, standing over the brownies in glorious anticipation.
Would the brownies come out pure?
Would they satisfy their intense brownie cravings?
When the timer went off, they cut up little portions. They tasted it and measured its purity.
They looked at each other and nodded that the brownies were ready.
They cut up little squares and put the brownies in small sandwich bags. They gave it to their stuffed animal pushers who knew the streets like the back of their plush fingers.
It was a gold mine.
The best brownies in town that was 95% pure.
All the brownie mix was licked off the spatula.
Letting the Brownies Cool
A Brownie Takeover
When you're in the brownie business, things could happen.
The mob gets involved and other very shady people.
And some people can't handle a lot of money.
In fact, the richer Wheezy became, the more out of control he behaved.
He began to binge on his own brownies and he refused to come down from his brownie high.
He started to eat all the profits and began to short change his brownie pushers.
One pusher in particular, or should I say three, didn't care for Wheezy and planned to overthrow his authority.
They bound and gaged Wheezy and gave Cliff Paul his walking papers.
Peas-in-the-Pod were now the Kings of brownies, even though they wallowed in relative Disney obscurity.
Peas in the Pod in the Money
Where They are Now
The Peas-in-the-Pod were smart. They made their money and got out.
They have an expensive condo near the ocean in Montecito and are quite happy. They met a triad of yellow chicks and they spend their days on the beach, surfing a few days a week and hang gliding on the days between.
Wheezy was rescued by me and I boxed him up and put him back into the closet. His brownie addiction is so bad that I can't trust him outside of the box. I feel bad, but I have to protect Wheezy and keep him from harming others.
Chris Paul went back to the insurance business. He does eat an ocassional brownie but doesn't allow himself to get fat. You can see him at every home Clipper's game rooting his twin-brother on.
He's the one with the argyle socks.