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Why Aren't I Famous? 6 Reasons Your Hollow Dreams of Becoming Popular are Hopelessly Withering Away

Updated on January 28, 2018
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Let Go of Your Dreams

The first step to any problem is acceptance. And you do have a problem— just admit it, you pathetic maggot. You want to be that guy, dripping in cash, coveted by kinky dime-pieces around the world, supporting an expensive cocaine habit and having ecstasy-fueled orgies in the safety of your private tour bus. But you're not that guy, and you never could be that guy, because even though you don't smell it, the stench of your desperation fills each and every room your teensie little testicles wander into. You should just let go of your pointless adolescent fantasy now, because if it ferments with age, no one is going to want to be around that.

1. You Spend Way Too Much Time in the Mirror

Maybe you think you blend in with the social elite, but we all see right through you. Your vain attempts at mimicking a confident human being do not go unnoticed, so you may as well stop spending so much time on your appearance. I mean, just let yourself go! You probably stand a better chance that way anyway–even you know you come off like a try-hard asswipe. Everyone can tell how miserable you are on the inside, and it's not a good look for you.

Instead, try staying inside for a couple weeks. The world could use a break. In fact, don't even bother bathing. There isn't really a point.

And if you decide to grace the outdoor world with your presence, there's no need to try and impress anyone. Just throw on some sweatpants and slippers, and you'll be good to go! You will bear a closer resemblance to your true self: an insecure, homely drifter who never really stood a chance. At least people won't be able to call you a poser!

Whether metaphorical or not, you need to stop trying to hide behind that foundation, Nancy. You can't mask the disaster.
Whether metaphorical or not, you need to stop trying to hide behind that foundation, Nancy. You can't mask the disaster.

2. You Have Buried Your Self-Pity and it is Ruining You

So maybe you think since you've toned down your whining a bit, you get to privately credit yourself with some sort of accomplishment. What do you want, a fucking trophy? You never see Lieutenant Dan whining. And he has no legs.

No, what you've done is even worse than whining. You've buried your self-pity deep inside, and it's gone straight to your puckered asshole. Now every time they get your order wrong at Chipotle, your entitled ass goes on a silent rant about how the world is so pitted against you.

You can only hold that shit in your clenched rectum for so long before it escapes in an explosive, noxious mess. You glorify this by calling it an "existential crisis." I guess you think under all that pressure, it must've been pressed into a diamond... but trust me, you're the only one looking at it that way.

3. You're Way Too Ugly

Famous people don't need to use Snapchat filters as a cover, because famous people are beautiful. And I hate to break it to you, honey, but that's an area in which you are severely lacking. We're sincerely sorry your genes didn't have much to add to the aesthetics department, but that's just the way it goes. It's a cold world!

Any talent you may possess is regrettably marred by your sub-par appearance, and no outfit or accessory is going to cover it up for you. I mean, you really subtract from the room. You should seriously consider just staying inside, because any venture into the public forum is just going to magnify your self-pity.

Do you look like this? Don't get your hopes up, doll.
Do you look like this? Don't get your hopes up, doll.

4. You're Way Too Old

At this point, you really just need to get over it. Your continued pursuit of the limelight is reminiscent of an 87-year old man trying to get his dick up, gazing into an old Marilyn Monroe pinup. And to be completely honest, you're starting to resemble the flaccid, decaying penis he's vainly stroking.

Sure, you try to remain positive, but it only makes everyone uncomfortable. Your awkward stabs at humor leave us puzzled and unsure what to do with your receding presence. Do you seriously think you're still a viable sexual option? You're pretty much senile at this point!

You had your chance when things were tighter, but you can't pretend anyone's going to pay attention to your wrinkly ass now. You should really just leave it to the kids, and stop showing up at parties.

Think this guy's got a shot at the big time?
Think this guy's got a shot at the big time? | Source

5. Just Give Up

Are you ready to stop wasting your time squandering for likes? Are you finally going to stop nearly shitting yourself when people share your posts? I mean, to be honest, it doesn't really matter to any of us, you're only hurting yourself. I was just trying to be nice!

And anyway, a good portion of those are pity-likes and pity-shares. It's seriously pathetic that you place any value in them at all. I'm sure you think you're alone inside your head, but I see you out there, glued to your phone screen... It's really pretty damn revolting. Do yourself a favor and give up now. Get yourself a regular job, delete your social media accounts, and get used to the mediocre life. Whatever your "plan B" is (you insecure peon), you should really do that.

Just stop.
Just stop.

6. Just Give Up

If you haven't gotten the message at this point, I really feel bad for you. I mean, come on. Stop with the denial already. I'm basically echoing your conscience, which is already telling you to get on with life and stop your frivolous dreaming. You aren't a child anymore. This isn't Imagination Land. Put down the acoustic guitar. Stop uploading cringey audio files to SoundCloud. And please... stop the impotent attempts at humor! If you're unsure, chances are pretty good it sucks, and sharing it on Twitter ain't gonna help. If you actually had anything impressive to offer, I'm sure people would support you.

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