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Why Being Superman Sucks, Part II

Updated on May 2, 2011

Okay, as previously mentioned, we all wanted to be super-hero's as children, and save the world in time for breakfast. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work like that...Or maybe, it's a fortunate thing, and not just because every bad-guy ever want's to get the guy with superpowers...


The 'Amazing' power of Super-Hearing

So say one day you're strolling about the city, doing what-ever a person who's pretending not to be super does, when you hear from a mile away the screams of a poor woman who's being raped! But that's OK, you've heard her cry for help, now it's you too the rescue!

But wait, sense's don't actually work that way. With senses, you can't pick and choose what you listen to, and what you don't listen to. If so they'd be pretty useless. So what you'd actually hear are the thousands of conversations that are being had between the scene of the crime and where you are at the time. And because your hearing would be heightened, the volume would have been too...So you know, anything close would be loud. Like, ear-drum bursting-ly loud. Want to have a nice phone conversation? Sorry, even if you were in a sound-proofed room you'd be able to hear every gurgle from your body and every single heartbeat...Not just to mention the sounds of the phone too. What about a leisurely look at the internet...Wait, sorry, your laptop has a fan, so if you want to keep your ear-drums, I'd advise against it!

"But wait!" you may cry, "What about dog's? They have super-hearing!"
Yes, but that's mainly due to the shape of their ears, the sound is amplified, but only slightly. Even then a dogs hearing is only marginally better with low and high frequency sounds - which is useless to crime-fighting super-heroes and nosey-neighbors alike!

So unless you relish the thought of being able to hear every bowel-movement made within a 3-mile radius, steer clear of Super-Hearing!

"10pm is my favorite time to look out of windows"
"10pm is my favorite time to look out of windows" | Source

The 'Amazing' power of Super-Sight

Okay, surely then there is nothing actually wrong with having super-sight? The possibilities would be limitless! Surely this has to be a good thing, SURELY! Again, perhaps not...

Let's be honest here. Nothing is invisible. At all, even Oxygen and Microwaves aren't, it just so happens that they're not on our visible spectrum, they're just too small!
Okay, we can't see Oxygen, but we all know it's there. We all did science, and saw the molecules in chemistry. But microwaves, and other tiny particles? Surely they're invisible?! Nope. Again, they're just far too small.

And that's not the only problem. Ever looked really, really closely at someones face? If you kept magnifying someones skin, eventually, even on the most beautiful person it'd start to look like a baron wasteland. I'm also sure all the dead-skin, dust and clogged pores would make you feel ill. And it's not just on people's faces either. Everywhere is littered with things that look completely disgusting close up! Even kitchen counters, and that's just something clean, you eventually might have to use a Public Toilet...

What about X-Ray vision? Well as I mentioned previously you can't just turn senses off, or else they would be useless, so your 'Super'-Power would be in use all day, everyday. Then there's the question of where this sense actually ends. It's unlikely that you could see through a wall, but not through say, the Computer Screen you're using. It's also unlikely that it'd end after the first object. You're probably going to be able to see through everything within a two mile radius! Assuming you can even see that far. So, attractive new secretary at work? Sorry, you won't be able to see her, you'll just see straight through her, and in the end, what's the point of being able to see through stuff if you can't focus on an object on the other side?

Warning: Costume does not give Super-Powers
Warning: Costume does not give Super-Powers | Source

The 'Amazing' power of Super-Speed

Let's say then, since you can't see or hear a nearby crime, you need to be somewhere and fast! What do you do? Well you could drive...But that's not fast enough, you need to be there now! Then you remember, "Hey, I'm super fast! I can be there in about 2 seconds if I run! As long as I'm careful nothing can go wrong! I'm limitless!"

Alright, like I said in Part 1 with flying, you need to know where you're going. And as a result you need to have super-fast perceptions and thoughts, or else you'll just end up becoming a thin veneer upon a wall. But super-fast perception rates come at a price, that price being the rest of the world being ball-achingly slow compared to you. Minutes would feel like hours, hours would feel like days...It'd be like living your entire life in a waiting room, bored out of your mind.

And then when you do start running, if you're anything like the flash you'll start sprinting straight away. If so you'll probably not notice that you're dead. Very dead. The G-Forces would have liquefied your internal organs thanks to the matter of inertia. They'll be pushed out through your pores leaving a disgusting gooey mess behind you everywhere you went. Even if you slowly built up your pace, the second you stop your brain will fly forwards, hitting your skull at a terrific force. and most definately killing you instantly!

This is starting to sound dangerous, but wait, there's more! Ever seen the space shuttle re-entering the Earth's atmosphere? It burns up due to the friction caused by the speed it's travelling. You'll soon learn about this when your face catches fire, assuming you've not been liquefied first...


The 'Amazing' power of Telepathy

Alright, so now we've determined that Super-Powers are actually useless against fighting criminals, saving people, and generally in everyday life. But, wouldn't it at-least be cool to have one? Say, telepathy? Hearing everyone's thoughts would make for some excellent bargaining chips, and a some awesome deals on car-insurance...But science has come to ruin the day once again...

Firstly, a human's brain probably has about 10 or more thoughts going on at any one time. Trying to understand a word that is going on in someones head is very, very unlikely. Hell, we can only just understand what's happening in our own! And these thoughts will go very nicely against the multiple songs they've got stuck in their head that day. And what if that song is Justin Beiber?!

But it actually gets worse. Like every other sense in the human body, you wouldn't be able to turn it on and off, and you wouldn't be able to focus on one certain action, sense or thought. So you'd have every single thought of every single person in the room within your tiny little mind. Can you imagine the annoyance even 10 seconds of this could cause? And that's assuming you've not gone insane after 10 seconds of listening to all the thoughts rushing around your head like a plague.

Even if you could filter the thoughts out a little, and people did think clear, concise thoughts, it's pretty unlikely you care what the girl behind the counter is thinking anyway. After all, you're a super-hero...Apparently.


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