Why Cows Can't Fly

Apparently somewhere along the process of time, evolution categorically bypassed cows when it came to the prospect of flight. Perhaps this in some way contributed positively to the survival rate of mankind as I'm sure cows falling out of the sky would be a survival hazard in any epoch of time.

And there are other potential problems airborne bovine could have caused. For instance, could the branches of most trees support the weight of one cow, let alone a flock of them? Not to mention other problems like cows getting stuck in trees or otherwise perching on power lines which would not have been invented for another billion years or so. This is probably why you seldom hear distress calls like, "Help, my cow is stuck in the tree and I can't get it down!" I don't have any statistics to back this up but I'm relatively certain there aren't many emergency calls for that. This problem was therefore left to cats who are quite adept at climbing up trees but tend to balk at the prospect of climbing back down them, leaving little old ladies in frequent duress. I'm certain the local Fire Department doesn't have ladders big enough to carry a cow down out of a tree if one were to get stuck. Of course this is also a good thing in light of the mess that just a few birds can make on any unfortunate items parked underneath their perch. Imagine the mess one cow could make on Ground Zero! Yechhhh!

Why shouldn't cows fly? They put monkeys in rockets and sent them into the cosmos in the early days of space exploration. Snoopy had his flying Sopwith Camel doghouse. And don't forget those huge pterodactyls large enough to fly off with a cow. So if a dinosaur could fly, why not a cow? I'm not sure if cows had their civil rights violated but I hear Congress is investigating.

So why can't cows fly? ...besides a few obvious problems with the laws of aerodynamics, I have compiled my list of other factors I believe may contribute to their inability to fly;

• they couldn't pass the test for their pilots license.
• their ears aren't big enough --look at Dumbo.
• their butts are too big for the pilots' seat.
• they can't make it through airport security.
• they can't afford the price of a ticket since most earn relatively little income.
• restrooms on planes are woefully inadequate to accommodate bovines due to size limitations.

...which is why you've probably never heard of Rudolph, the Red-nosed Holstein!