Why I Love the Pittsburgh Steelers (Top Ten Reasons)
10. No Cheerleaders
I don’t want nothing, especially not scantily clad extremely attractive members of the opposite sex, distracting me when I’m ready for some football. Hank Williams always did more for me than Faith Hill when it came getting up for the game. And then there is my obsession with fantasy football, a science not a game, which requires considerable intellectual acumen and multitasking dexterity (if you have more teams than one like me). I can deal with my other fantasies on days other than Sunday, Monday, and Thursday when there are no NFL games. The Browns don’t have cheerleaders either, but who would want to see a bunch of guys from the dawgpound in clown suits anyway.
Now, as far as why the Steelers don’t have cheerleaders. They once did, you know. Before anyone else. But there are so many beautiful women who are either Steeler fans/live in the Pittsburgh area, it became impossible to select only a few for the squad. If you don’t believe me, just search on “Steeler babes.”
9. Bad Hair Days
Like who has a badder beard than Brett Kiesel. And he shaves it off for charity every year. Then there’s Troy. Runway models drool over that bad do. Troy’s hair is so bad that it is insured for one million dollars. Remember that game against the Chiefs when he intercepted a pass and got tackled by the hair? The Head & Shoulders executives were aghast and demanded that the commissioner implement a rule prohibiting hair-pulling. But the commissioner, a fan of girlie guys, promulgated a rule against hitting wide receivers with long pretty hair like Larry Fitzgerald.
No, that’s not people from Cleveland. Hypocycloids are what are on the helmet. Who else displays such originality in terms of costume design? Not the Browns, surely. They, quite appropriately, have nothing on their helmets. The nothing must represent the number of Super Bowl victories they have attained. You can also find the cloids on The Diesel's uniform once you get past the beard.
7. Taylor Lautner Is a Steelers Fan
This scores me some points with my teenage daughter so she manages to tolerate all the Steelers memorabilia I have lying around the house. Like those Steeler bad call bricks I throw at the TV when the zebras screw up. And the Steeler blankets I cover the furniture with. And all the Steeler games I record that wipe out her favorites such as “Pretty Little Liars” and “The Bachelor.” Actually, she is more of a Penguins fan than a Steelers fan. I think she likes hockey better because fighting is discouraged in football.
Big Ben punts. Our owner is Ambassador to Ireland. Terry Bradshaw appeared naked in a movie. And let me tell you, that really ticked off his mother who was 76-years-old at the time. After church she took a busload of her friends to see the movie, and Terry hadn’t told her what they would see. I was thinking about including the picture of Bradshaw’s butt, but the rules for this site state the following are prohibited: “Nudity and lewd, obscene, or provocative images (including strategically covered nudity, see-through or sheer clothing, and close-ups of breasts, butts, or crotches). So even blacking out that big butt would have been dubious. Who hasn’t seen it anyway.
Yeah, and can Hines Ward dance or what?
Since I can't show you the pic of Terry's behind, here's a pic of the cup he drank all that booze out of before he took off his clothes.
What better name for a defense than Blitzburgh or The Steel Curtain? I even like the nicknames of our divisional opponents, the Bungles, Clowns, and Ratbirds. Remember the time Deebo aka Silverback body slammed the Clowns fan? The Chief, Art Rooney Sr., founded the team and the Rooney family hired coaches like Chuckie (did you know that Joe Paterno turned down the job before Chuck Noll accepted it) and The Jaw and rode to championships on players like Da Bus. Pittsburgh is notorious for great food, and player nicknames with culinary connotations amuse me the most. You know, like The Big Snack (Casey Hampton). Who remembers Dobre Shunka (Polish for great ham)? Wasn’t it Dracula (Jack Lambert) who first suggested that quarterbacks should wear dresses?
The greatest single play in the history of the NFL also has a nickname. Who can’t explain the Immaculate Reception?
4. The Stadium
Heinz Field. Why does the name Heinz bring to mind? (Hint: something red) Right, blood! Steelers make the opponents bleed. Do you really believe that’s ketchup in those bottles? Think about it. Night of the Living Dead, Martin the Blood Lover, Sorority Row, and The Silence of The Lambs were all filmed in or around Pittsburgh.
I might also mention that the seating capacity of Heinz Field is 64,450, and the drinking capacity is 64,450 x approximately 134,250 16-ounce beers.
3. No Drama Queens
The Steelers get rid of them. New York likes to rid us of our drama queens. Plaxico Burress left, shot himself in the foot with his Glock in a New York City nightclub, and went to prison. Santonio Holmes criticized his quarterback, saying Mark Sanchez needed to get the ball to the playmakers (meaning himself) and the only thing Sanchez did right all season was Kate Upton.
2. The Terrible Towel
Seriously, what good is a rally monkey? You can’t wear it as a miniskirt unless you skin it first. Proceeds from the sale of Terrible Towels have raised millions of dollars for a charity benefiting people with mental disabilities (and not just Browns fans). What I like best about the Terrible Towel is when Lady Gaga brandishes it during one of her concerts. It distracts me from looking at her. I have to give a shout out to the late great Myron Cope (triple yoi!) for inventing the Terrible Towel. Myron once said, “If that boy billionaire thinks he can shut me up, he should stick his head in a can of paint.” He said that after Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder sent someone into the broadcast booth during a game to tell Cope to stop referring to his team as the “Wash Redfaces.”
1. Bling, Baby, Bling
Lombardi Trophies and Super Bowl rings. What team has more. And very soon it will be seven and Steeler Nation will be in heaven. The reason we didn’t get there this past season is not because Tim Tebow prayed more than Big Ben. God stays out of football. The Bible is more about baseball. “In the beginning (In the big inning) . . .”
Incidentally, in light of this talk of heaven and such, my next hub entitled “Why I Love the Bible (Top Ten Reasons)” is forthcoming.