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The X-Files Meets Lucha Underground

Updated on July 9, 2015

It's 2:00 A.M. on the east coast, which means it's time for me to do what I do best; weird ass writing. After spending the day watching The X-Files and Lucha Underground, I came up with the wacky idea to combine the two. Yup; what would happen if The X-Files was cast with Lucha Underground stars? After thinking up the idea and a couple of hamburgers, here we are. Please note that this idea is just for fun, and if your favorite LU star was left off, it's likely a good thing. Or not. Who knows? I just hope you have a good time. ON WITH THE SHOW!


X: The Mack


Who the hell else could it be here? For one, The Mack actually reminds me of X, if X looked out of his mind after a long battle with Cage. And secondly, these two are just similar dudes. The Mack looks like someone who isn't really that threatening, up until the moment when he's laying waste to you Chuck Norris style. Ditto for X. Remember when he nearly whooped Skinner's ass straight to hell in the elevator? That dude was a bad ass (not to mention that the actor who played him, Steve Williams, was also a bad ass). Combine that with how good big Willie would look in the trench coat, and this is a winner.


Deep Throat: Chavo Guerrero Jr


For Deep Throat, you need someone from the LU who is wise, who has seen some stuff and who's just as likely to steer you in the wrong direction as the right one. Look no further than Chavo. Hell, hasn't Chavo already played this role for Black Lotus? He gave her information, helped to steer her into the right direction, and then when the time came to pull what Deep Throat did to Mulder in E.B.E., he pulled it off. This is the dude right here! Get Chavo a trench coat ASAP, even if he won't fill it out as good as The Mack does.

Chavo's reaction to the trench coat joke
Chavo's reaction to the trench coat joke

Black Oil: Pentagon Jr.


The black oil was a vicious, life sucking force that completely dismantled you to the point where it took over your life. Pentagon Jr is a vicious, life sucking for that completely dismantles his opponents. The only thing he has left to do is to take control over them, which is probably on tap for season two. Plus, Pentagon had to make this list somehow; he's like a Monster-of-the-Week character come to life. And yes, for those of you wondering at home, this totally makes Pentagon's Master the colonists; just a question of whether it's the Syndicate era or Super Solider era colonists (I'm thinking the latter).


Samantha Mulder: Matanza


They both have a huge presence on the show, are related to the Smoking Man, and are never, ever seen. The easiest choice here.


Alien Bounty Hunter: Mil Muertes


The second easiest choice here. Let's be real here X-Files/lucha fans; we all loved the Alien Bounty Hunter whenever he appeared on The X-Files. He rocked the slicked back hair style better than anyone not named CM Punk, he was a straight up hoss, and nothing could ever truly defeat him. Or if it did, he was just resurrected again about thirty minutes, because you know, he was an mother truckin alien bounty hunter. Mil Muertes is pretty much also that. With one exception; he might be even deadlier than the Alien Bounty Hunter. That dude was hard to kill, but if you had one good day, maybe you could actually stick that needle into his neck and force him to deflate quicker than Jack Nicholson's balloons in Batman. You just aren't stopping the Beast King. If you stuck that needle in his neck, he'd probably scream at you to the point that your eyes would pop out, leading to him playing ping pong with them ala Nicholson/Leonardo DiCaprio in Celebrity Death Match (so much Jack right now!). Somewhere, Prince Puma is reading this sentence, and begging Konnan to forfeit the Ultima Lucha match, while Konnan plays every Nicholson scene from Batman in his head. And with that, the Nicholson sign has been turned off in the cockpit.

Jeffrey Spender: Prince Puma


I mean, the Lucha Underground Champion deserves some sort of spot on here right? Thus, he gets the role of the Smoking Man's cowardly son who eventually rises up to become a compelling character...after the show had already peaked. Not a good sign for Puma. At least he'll be away from the Alien Bounty Hunter though. Also, I loved Spender; I'm pretty sure I'm the only person on the planet who didn't loathe the character and was sad to see him go. So this isn't a bad thing per say. It's just...not as good as it could've been. Yes.


The Lone Gunmen: Son of Havoc, Marty the Moth, El Mariachi Loco


We have now reached the comic relief portion of the program! For the Lone Gunmen, there of the most popular characters in X-Files history, the luchadores playing them have to have certain qualities. One of them has to be a buttoned down, J. Edgar like leader of the group (Byers). One must be the goofy looking dude who is so wrapped up in his image that he's completely bought into it and nothing else (Langly). And the final one must be able to find Dana Scully attractive, among other things (Frohike). Behold the three names here. Even though we know next to nothing about him beyond his cooking ability and his love for Skeletor, good old Loco strikes me as someone who could pull of Byers, or if nothing else would be hysterical trying to do so. Marty would be an excellent Langly even if he didn't grow his hair out, and I love the guy, so he deserved a spot. And Havoc...let's just say I'm spoiling who Scully is by putting him here. Plus, a Frohike with Havoc's voice is like more lead roles for Teresa Palmer; something that needs to happen yesterday.


Alex Krychek: Jack Evans


It takes a special kind of SOB to be able to fill the shoes of one Alex Krychek. He was a survivor, a dude who knew how to play the system and make sure he didn't end up in a body bag...well at least until Walter Skinner finally had enough of him. The thing I'll always remember about Krychek was that you eventually grew to love the guy; he started out as the ultimate white bread character, and eventually became a sort of charismatic, annoying but fun anti-hero version of Mulder. That's why the Mortal Kombat Champ (as it turns out, FIFA Champ was a lie!) Jack Evans gets the nod here. You won't expect much from Jack at the beginning, and the next thing you know, it's been eight seasons and that dude could very well make it all the way till the end. Just don't mess with whoever is Skinner Jack. It doesn't end well. Trust me, I know.


The Smoking Man: Dario Cueto


Alright, I take back what I said about Matanza/Samantha being the easiest choice; THIS was the easiest choice. Really, the only thing the Smoking Man and El Jefe don't have in common is that El Jefe would totally flaunt the fact that aliens existed and that he was letting them come here to kill us all. Don't deny it, you know he's doing that with that shit eating grin, all while dying to say "ANYTHING GOES" in regards to the invasion. Other than that factoid, Cueto and the Smoking man are the same guy; two deliriously (and gloriously) evil dudes with a ton of power, influence and a willingness to abuse said power and influence. It's a match made in scenery chewing heaven.

Probably a true story
Probably a true story

Walter Skinner: El Dragon Azteca


You could go several directions here with the great Walter Skinner. I could be talked into Vampiro or Blue Demon Jr. here, and that's even after Demon went postal with nationalistic rage yesterday. In the end though, I gotta go with Azteca on this one. Skinner, another one of my favorite characters from the show, was somebody who Mulder and Scully could depend on to help them, but someone who also wasn't just going to roll over for them. In other words, he could've easily been one of the grumpy old men. Didn't you get that feeling with Azteca when he trained Black Lotus? He cared about her, he wanted to help her, but he also would've stood in her way if she did something stupid. That to me sounds like someone with Walter Skinner qualities. By the by, this is now the second time Lotus has come up in this column, and she's not being featured at all. I'm not sure if that's a bad reflection on her, or me. Alright, it's probably a bad reflection on Evans. It somehow always ends up that way.


Dana Scully: Ivelisse


Ah Scully; the original strong independent woman who didn't need no man, Buffy before Buffy and the person who was just as important to The X-Files as Mulder was. No wonder Ivelisse gets it here. Yes, I was very tempted to go with Sexy Star here, but I don't know, Ivelisse just feels right. She's tough, she can kick ass, I wouldn't doubt that she could at least pull of a red streak in her hair quite well (has to be a little red. It's Scully after all) and best of all, you could totally see her pulling off the skeptic role. Not only that, but I bet Ivelisse's Scully would be relentless in her skepticism towards Mulder's beliefs. Remember how she dismissed Angelico's huge leap as "just a crossbody"? That moment alone gets her the Scully part. Which brings us to the finale.


Fox Mulder: Angelico


I suppose no one is going to be surprised by this, but I don't care. Who else from the LU could play this role? Konnan? Aero Star? Alberto El Patron? Johnny Mundo? Alright, maybe the last two could've done it, but in the end I'm giving the rub to my favorite wrestler here. Angelico has the chemistry with Ivelisse to have a Mulder/Scully dynamic. He has the whole suave, charismatic look going for him. And dammit, this is my column, and I'll do what I want! Alright seriously, I do think Angelico would be good for this. He's likeable, he strikes me as someone who could believe, he actually kind of has a young Mulderish look to him (even if he and Duchovny aren't long lost twins) and did I mention he's likeable? Combine that with how I think he'd work with the rest of this motley crew (especially Evans as Krychek. The drama that would create) and this is Lucha Underground's Fox Mulder. Case closed.


That'll do it sports fans. I'll be back tomorrow, perhaps with that long awaited, long promised Warriors Cult Tribute. You never know. Till then, don't trust anyone, deny everything, the truth is out there and so is SCULLY!

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