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You Just Can't Insult A Tall Guy!

Updated on May 16, 2017
Dan W Miller profile image

Raised/lived Simi Valley-Thousand Oaks, CA. Worked in L.A. At Puget Sound, San Diego in the USN. Married, divorced, kids. Phoenix since 2000

Excuse me while I adjust the entire world to my height.
Excuse me while I adjust the entire world to my height. | Source

Being tall, people want to know you or hate you

I don't know how many times I've had "Napoleon Complex" guys walk up to me just to hurl an insult. These comments are met by me with lines like, "That's O.K., Shorty. You're not my type anyway." or "Too tall for what? Japan? A Cooper Mini?" or "Well, that's not what your mother said last night, buddy." Those poor guys. So obvious they just want to be like me.

What does one say when one is born (well, grew) into this body?

That, "You're too tall" line is usually met with, "Yeah, I know. and chicks dig it, too!" or "OH. MY. GOD! I am? I never knew!" or "I was just saying that to myself when I looked in the mirror this morning. I said, Ya know what, Dan? You are one tall handsome sumbitch."

"You're too tall." Huh? I get that brilliant observation a lot more often than you'd think. Oh, thank you for pointing out to me that I am a freak of society and/or you are jealous and lack tact. My life is not and never has been average.

My first joke I said on stage was in a stand-up routine a guy walked up to me and said, "You're too tall." So I told him, "Well, you're too black." HELLO?! We were born this way!

Another cruel line I like to flip on guys that are obviously trying to satisfy some form of jealousy, trying to impress their date (weird, huh?) and hatin' me for being tall is, "You know what, pal? There is one line that you nor I NEVER hear from a sexy woman and that is, "Oooh, I've always wanted to make love to a SHORT guy!" Usually I can count the beats for shorty's brain to kick in on that one. (One, two, three,) "Hey!" They yell at me. But I'm already gone. My "audience" within earshot is laughing with me and at him. Without waiting for a comeback, I just keep walking, never to look back hoping he won't punch me in the back of my leg. I always hear a hoot or a guffaw from someone nearby and rarely has the jerk ever wanted me to turn around just to insult them again.

Head's up. Tall guy in the room! The author with comedienne Jann Karam (Seinfeld) outside of The Tempe Improv . She's about 5'1". The Vanilla Godzilla is about 6'5 1/2"
Head's up. Tall guy in the room! The author with comedienne Jann Karam (Seinfeld) outside of The Tempe Improv . She's about 5'1". The Vanilla Godzilla is about 6'5 1/2" | Source
These are actually grown men I'm umpiring. Naw! But it sure helps when you're in a position of authority.
These are actually grown men I'm umpiring. Naw! But it sure helps when you're in a position of authority. | Source

Yes, I'm different. I know it and I LIKE IT!

Being a freak does have it's advantages when there's a woman that has a tall guy fetish. Not too many women want George Costanza. Believe me. When I jump into that passenger's front seat in every car, I instantly grab the handle under the seat to move it back. Yet every time the driver gets in they'll "inform" me that the seat does go back further. I have to demonstrate that I'm way ahead of their thinking.

Another dumb question is from people that must be taking a survey or writing a book on me. "How tall are you?" My usual response is "REAL tall" and just go about what I was doing. Or maybe, "78 inches." That always gets the math challenged ones. If I'm just not in the mood, I might say, "Why do you have to know?" Can I just go about my day, stranger without being reminded I'm not average like you? How much do you weigh? Oh, wait. Why are you walking away mad?

It seems the elderly are fascinated with my height. I guess the world keeps making them bigger as compared to "in their day." I like to be their hero and get items off the top shelf for them in the supermarket. I'm also a person of interest to small kids. Coincidentally, the elderly and small children have many like tendencies.

When tall people lose their cool, it obviously shows.
When tall people lose their cool, it obviously shows.

A comeback or two to that snarky remark

But seriously folks, unless you are sick-minded and your intention is to remind the tall guy that, he is in fact, tall and not like the rest of you poor schlubs, please stop. I KNOW I'm tall. Big whoop.

When someone inconsiderately points it out to me for the umpteenth time that day, I try to make them appear ignorant. Because it IS an ignorant and totally unoriginal thing to say to me. Do you REALLY want to know? If you're trying to make me feel bad, it doesn't work on me and nearly everytime the guy saying it is jealous (and everyone knows it, fool.) Besides, being a former comedy show host, I will scorch your 32 inch length britches so bad with my comeback, that you'll be psychologically scarred for life.

Oh please let there be a crowd around us so you can hear them laughing at you... and people to hold you back when you want to punch my lights out. The last recourse from the loser of a debate - pugilism. I'm just too old for that crap.

I might act shocked or alarmed that , "Really? I didn't know that!" Or something rude like their sister really likes it too. Or I'll ask their waistline measurement or maybe point out that they AREN'T tall.

The only real problem I have is the waste of my time with information I am fully aware of. Quite frankly, I'm tired of talking about it because it's not such a big deal to me when you have to "live with it" everyday. And living with it is a lot better than being a mole.

I like being tall. It gives me confidence that most men wish they had and I am downright cocky and you know why? BECAUSE I'M TALL! That's right. I'm bigger, more body weight and I get picked out of crowds by adventuresome charming women who have "a thing" for a very tall Nordic body wrapped around them tonight. What was your name again, shorty? They remember mine.

I enjoy being the above average person in the room. As long as I don't look like a klutz and bump my head.


by Dan W. Miller

Written 11/10/2010


Would you rather be tall or good looking but real short?

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    • Dan W Miller profile image
      Author

      Dan W Miller 10 months ago from Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      Oh! How interesting, "moon." Makes my whining without consideration of the "other side of the scale" seem so trivial. I never knew. SO appreciative!

    • moonlake profile image

      moonlake 12 months ago from America

      Better to be tall. I'm short and will always be short. When your short people treat you like a child no matter how old you get. I hate it and just had this kind of treatment happen to me the other day. I should be treated with respect but I'm not. They even talk to me like I'm a child and don't understand what they are saying.

      Enjoyed your hub.

    • Dan W Miller profile image
      Author

      Dan W Miller 5 years ago from Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      Aw, thanks for the look at my article, Rochelle. It gets old constantly explaining my dimensions, agreeing that I'm different and deflecting guy's comments that have a problem with me being on this planet with them at the same time. Oh, I HAVE used my "tallness" to my advantage many times... besides just dunking a basketball!

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country

      My neighbor always said he was "5 ft 18". He was a cop, so no one questioned that.

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