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Funny stories about couples
This time I choose to have fun with couples but now that I did it I found out that there are billions of couple´s jokes. So I probably will have to make another one on this subject in the future.
In the mean time enjoy the following jokes and share them with your better half ;).
THE LOVELY COUPLE
A man and his wife were on holiday in Jerusalem. During their stay the woman died. The local funeral director advised her husband that he could relocate the body of the woman to the country of origin by 5.000,00€ or could bury it there in the Holy Land for only 150,00€.
The man reflected and responded that he wanted to transfer the body of his wife to their country.
The funeral director, very surprised, asked him:
- "Why spend 5.000,00€ to transfer the body if you can bury her here by only 150,00€ and even over a holy city?"
Then the man explained to him:
- "Over 2000 years ago a man died and he was buried here. Then he resurrected three days after and I do not want to take that risk myself."
HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE?
This guy arrived home and found his wife with one of his best friends in his own bed.
He grabed a gun and killed the friend immediately.
The angry wife said:
- "If you continue to behave like this you'll end up with no friends!"
SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE
The couple meet with the priest before the ceremony and the priest asked them:- "What do you think of sex before marriage?"And the groom replied:- Since it doesn´t delay the ceremony that´s fine by me... What do you think darling?"
The husband arrives home from the hospital where he was visiting his wife´s mother.
His wife asks him:
- "How is my mother?"
The husband replied:
- "Your mother is fine. Healthy as a horse and she´s going to live a long time. This week they are going to release her from the hospital and she will be living with us forever."
The wife, surprised, questioned him:
- "How can it be? Yesterday she was unconscious and the medical team said that she only had a few days before dying!?"
And the husband replied:
- "I do not know how she was yesterday but today when I asked the doctor about your mother, he answered me that I should prepare myself for the worst..."
I won the lottery!
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Mark Gungor tells women how to get a man to do what they want. Asking a man to do something once is like never having asked him at all.
Contributed by G-Ma Johnson
- My body isn't what it used to be....Even when I get naked I still want to get into something more comfortable...
- Wife: Oh Gawd. I'm convinced my mind is almost gone.
Husband : I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it everyday for twenty years.
Find out more funny stories about couples
The following couple`s jokes were shared in the comment box by readers of this page. If you have a good one do not forget to share it with us ;)
Contributed by JamaGenee
Husband was rich but very controlling. Made his future widow sign a document promising to bury ALL his money with him, which would leave her with nothing to live on.
But at the funeral, the widow couldn't stop grinning, which her best friend thought was quite odd for a woman who had just become penniless.
The friend asked "Didn't you agree to bury all his money with him?".
"Yes I did."
"Then why are you grinning?"
"I put it in the form of a check. Where's he gonna cash it?"
Contributed by CJStone
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
Contributed by New Day
A husband and wife were having an argument during a long car ride.
Looking out the window at a pig farm, the husband says to the wife - "Relatives of yours?"
She quickly replied - "Yep. In-laws."
Contributed by MrMarmalade
A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage...
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'
Contributed by Rookie Expert
A husband and wife are returning home from shopping, and see the trash truck pulling out.
The wife runs saying 'OH! Am i too late for the trash?'
The husband replies, 'No! Jump in'
Contributed by LondonGirl
Divorce vs Murder
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the chemist's shop, walked up to the chemist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The chemist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The chemist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the chemist's wife.The chemist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Contributed by JamaGenee
I'm writing to tell you I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
P.S don 't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant hining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million $$$, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer says the letter you wrote guarantees you won't get a dime from me, so take care.
Your Ex-Wife, rich as hell & FREE!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem...
More funny jokes about couples
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