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Scoop! Some Celebrities Are Vampires!

Updated on October 13, 2009

The Indisputable Evidence

Other Sexy Vampires Include...

I've been on to Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen as being members of the undead for a long time. With their lust for blood and fur, their lack of conscience, not to mention those wide staring eyes set in those tiny little bobble headed frames, even a half witted donkey could identify them as being zombies. I thought that was where the Hollywood undead debacle ended, but boy was I wrong.

My suspicions were aroused when Madonna's latest album cover came out. Just by looking at it's clear that she hasn't aged since about 1980. Perhaps around the time that she was bitten by Nosferatu and transformed into an eternal singing machine? Don't tell me that it is Photoshop either. No human tool could possibly defy the passage of time in such an unholy way.

In the interests of public safety, I have compiled two lists, celebrities who may be vampires, and celebrities who definitely aren't vampires. This list will be updated over time, as more information comes to light.

Celebrities Who May Be Vampires

Kate Beckinsale (Her performance in Underworld was a little too convincing, I think we all agree. She also gains beauty with every passing year, a sure sign that she has tapped into some unearthly power. )

Madonna (Does not age, also appears to be possessed of incredible strength, holds an inexplicable sway over men who come anywhere near her.)

Lindsay Lohan (By all rights, this girl should be withered and pockmarked from all the drugs, yet in spite of gross promiscuity and heavy drug abuse for the past several years, she's as beautiful as ever.)

Johnny Depp (If he's not a vampire, he should be.)

Angelina Jolie (Also isn't aging, travels through war torn areas without fear. Why should she be afraid of mere mortals with their feeble weapons?)

Natalie Portman (Put out a line of vegan shoes, exactly the sort of thing a vampire would do to throw us off the scent.)

Janice Dickinson (Was bitten by a vampire just to shut her up about that whole "I was the world's first supermodel" thing.)

Celebrities Who Are Not Vampires

Jack Nicholson (Only men are allowed to age in Hollywood and still be hot. Jack Nicholson has aged like a fine prune.)

Tom Cruise (Obviously Tom is actually an alien, and therefore cannot also be a vampire.)

Britney Spears (If the past year has proved anything, it's that Britney is 100% human.)

Paris Hilton (Too obviously desperate for transitory fame to be an eternal creature of the night.)

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