Crazy College Mascots of the Millennium
Look, I get it: you want to be original. The fact is there are upteen-million colleges and universities out there, and only a few breeds of cat you can choose to be your mascot.
So believe me when I say this – I feel for you. It’s tough trying to get something unique going, or else opposing teams would get confused as to who’s cheering for who, because each team is either a bobcat, lynx, tiger, lion, panther, or whatever.
Or maybe you’ve run out of Roman Centurion “types” to differentiate your mascot? Fear not: these ideas (which surprisingly already exist in today’s world) of mascots can definitely set you apart from all the rest of the dull and drab concepts for a college mascot.
So here's a little love for the oddballs of our college mascot bunch. I’ve collected seven of some of the craziest college mascots of the millennium. Some you may find are quite funny. Others are quite, well, weird. You may find one or two that are just downright perverse!
But they all exemplify two important traits when it comes to the all-important college mascot: originality and invention.
After all: this is about college. This is about cultivating new ideas. And speaking of ‘cultivating’….
Number 7: The Concordia College Cobber
Corn. That’s right. This is a mascot. His name is “The Kernel,” by the way. Take a trip down to Moorhead, Minnesota, and you’ll find that you may have your football team trampled over by rabid corn. Feel the pain.
But this isn’t just about corn. No, no, no! This is where the true originality comes into play.
While most stalks of corn do seem to be quite frightening (watch “Children of the Corn,” “Jeepers Creepers” or “Wizard of Oz” to get a good idea on how), it just so happens that a “cobber” does have several different types of definitions.
Apparently, the moguls of Concordia College wanted to try to go deep with their meanings here:
Cobber: Yiddish for “friend.” Cobber: Australian for “buddy.” Cobber: British for “someone you take a liking to.”
Obviously, that seems pretty positive, right? And it should be! Because you want your college to be a positive experience. So be a cobber.
But, truthfully, the name itself came from a rival school (who shall remain nameless), mocking those “country boys” from Concordia College by calling them cobbers. As if that was an insult. That missed the mark. What did this rival school hand out for degrees? Who knows….
Either way, the boys of Concordia decided to turn the other cheek (hence the reason why they’re so ‘friendly’) and actually embraced the nickname, stylizing their mascot to resemble something those corn-fed country boys love the most: corn.
Number 6: The Scottsdale Arizona Community College Fighting Artichokes
And while we’re on the subject of veggies (although corn’s technically a grain, people!), you can’t beat probably one of the scariest veggies known to mankind (at least to children) –
So it makes sense that this community college decided to opt for this type of mascot. I mean, look at him! His name is Artie, and he’s one mean mother. You can tell by his smile.
You can see the creativity, though, in that they decided to go against picking pickles or carrots, which would’ve been the obvious choice since those veggies resemble something like swords, or staffs, or spears. Pickle spears, people! Come on. Get with the program.
But when you think about it, artichokes do have their abilities to fight, as it were, because of those spikes of theirs. The porcupines of the veggie universe.
Plus, you bet ‘Artie’ can ‘choke’ the hell out of all those gladiators, soldiers, demons, devils and diamondbacks to kingdom come. All those beefy brutes would never see the likes of any vegetable!
Let the terror run rampant with artichoke in hand! Hail!
Number 5: The Stanford, California, Tree
First off, let’s point out that this tree represents the Stanford Cardinals (isn’t that a type of bird?). Secondly….
We’re still on the subject of plants? Sheesh! There’s just one problem, though –
This type of ‘plant’ named “The Cardinal” isn’t supposed to move. At all. It’s just supposed to sit there. That’s what a tree does. Get an ax or a chainsaw, and I think you win this battle. Although you’ll need some elbow grease, maintenance, and some good money to get a good saw to take one of these bad boys down.
Stanford, California, sure knew what they were picking. Simply menacing. After all, this particular tree does look like a mutant version of one of the trees from “The Lord of the Rings” hopped up on LSD and Kool-Aid. Too much sugar, a little rompin’ in the dorm room, and hallucinations did some baaaaaaad things to this bad boy.
You better watch out. Or the tree’ll get ya.
Maybe there’s a giant, a golden goose and a beautiful broad at the top of that tree, though…. Oh, wait – that’s a beanstalk. And your name’s not Jack. Wrong fairy tale.
Number 4: The South Carolina Presbyterian College Blue Hose
I’m perplexed by this one (even more than the violence and intimidation of a tree, mind you)…. Not necessarily perplexed at how the mascot looks, but the name they chose to give the team this mascot named “Scotty the Scotsman” represents. Blue Hose.
Well, let’s take this back for a moment and look again. Okay. Got it. So Scotty looks like a weird gay cross between William Wallace and Thundarr (seriously, watch your Saturday morning cartoons. Get some culture.).
So there’s that element of prissy there. Hence the name. The blue does look nice, though. Maybe if we had a runway, this would make a killing in New York, Milan, or Paris. Watch out, Victoria Secret angels – this Blue Hose will knock your socks, er, hoses off.
Let’s not forget that we absolutely have to paint half of our faces blue, charge out into the field of Sterling and whip us some good Englishmen.
Fight for freedom, Blue Hose. Fight for freedom.
Number 3: the Wichita State Shockers
Give Bart Simpson some acid and drag his spiked hair across a field of acorns, and you might get WuShock of Wichita State University.
Can anyone with a half-functioning, semi-intelligent brain explain to me what happened to this dude? I mean, I explained it as best I could – because WuShock does look like a version of Bart Simpson.
Other than that, I simply can’t figure it out. Besides that – what is a “shocker” anyway? What do they “shock”? Themselves? I hope not. Because if you want to strike fear in the hearts of your opponents, you’d want a mascot that will conjure the force of Voltron or Power Rangers or even some Optimus Prime in the house.
Not Bart Simpson. Please, no Bart Simpson. This is a kid that for every episode had to write sentences on a chalkboard because a teacher told him to. That’s not a mascot you want in the field with a bunch of big, burly men fighting over a pigskin.
Number 2: The Evergreen State Geoduck
Pop quiz! What foods does Bart Simpson like? Well, that’s an easy one – pizza, nachos, potato chips, pop, pop tarts, popsicles, basically anything kid-friendly. Right?
But definitely not a “geoduck”! Definitely not.
Oh, but why? What is a “geoduck”? Sit down, my lovely students, and I shall teach you:
A “geoduck,” correctly pronounced gooey duck, is a type of saltwater clam. A mollusk, actually. You eat it. No, seriously, you do. Do you think I’m joking?
What makes this kind of perverse in a weird seafood type of way is that one look at this “gooey duck,” and you might be looking at a man’s phallus and beans wondering what venereal disease contaminated it.
These saltwater clams do look a little funky.
So why would Evergeen State College choose this mascot? Clams? We’ve gone from corn to clams here. Corn fields to coral reefs. Absolutely nothing exists here remotely suggesting anything about fighting, warriors, vicious tyrants, beasts of the wild, nothing.
There is, however, one weapon out there…. One weapon that can be feared the most. And to be sure, all mascots fear this one….
Number 1: Scrotie
That’s it. I’ve had it. The Rhode Island School of Design? I applaud you. Just don’t start swingin’ that sword at me, or I’ll run like hell.
Scrotie is a mascot for this school designed to look like, well, a scrotum. With a penis. Yes, you guessed it – a real male genital organ. Well, not really real. Fake real.
Don’t ask me why the Rhode Island School of Design chose this, because in my opinion it has nothing to do with anything the school of design would be focused on, except for whatever happens inside a dorm room with a keg of beer. But that’s beside the point.
The point is this: this is hideous. This is frightening. This would scare any team away. Even King Leonidas of Sparta. He took one look at this and ran like a baby girl while the Persians chased after him and his little army of 300 pansies.
All because of Scrotie. That’s a weapon of which we can all get behind. Just remember to clean and sheath it when you’re done with the massacre.
The Pride and Joy of an Alumni
Whether you’re corn on the cob or a throbbing penis, one thing’s for sure: you exhibit the pride and joy of your Alma Mater, right?
In many ways, it’s all about getting some kind of reaction. For sure, these mascots do. Some, more than others. I, personally, lift an eyebrow to some of the ideas listed here, but each to his or her own: it’s your Scrotie. Cheer with it proudly.
Or if you want to be a tree or artichoke, go at it. It’s good for the environment. Just don’t let a Blue Hose chop you down, or Bart Simpson froth at the mouth and chew on you.
Or else you might turn into a geoduck.