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The Best Dirty Golf Jokes

Updated on September 19, 2015

A Collection Of The Best Dirty Golf Jokes

These are some of the best Dirty Golf Jokes that I have heard, plus some original ones as well. I have been collecting jokes for more than 15 years, and enjoy sharing the best of them and helping people around the world to have a good laugh.

Dirty Golf Jokes are commonplace in the golfing community, and not only with the men who play the game. In fact the game of golf wouldn't be the same without dirty golf jokes being told before, during and after the game would it, it's all part of the fun of the game.

Men love to play golf, and men love to tell dirty jokes. It's only logical then isn't it that there are so many funny golf jokes that are also dirty. We are men after all, and the world just wouldn't be the same if we didn't tell dirty jokes.

Even a lot of ladies love dirty jokes these days, but as always there are those who don't, and that's understandable too. For those of you who really don't enjoy dirty jokes, whether they are about golf or not, I highly recommend the companion page to this one, Golf Jokes, which has nothing but clean golf jokes.

Whether you are going to stick around here and read the dirty golf jokes, or whether you head off to my other lens and read the clean golf jokes, I hope that you enjoy the selection that I have for you and that you have a good laugh.

The Squidoo Open image is one of many wonderful Squidville images from talented lensmaster Steve Thompson and is used under a Collective Commons License.

Origin Of The Jokes

A Disclaimer On The Copyright Of These Jokes

Sometimes people ask me "Where did you get these jokes?", and with copyright and plagiarism being rife on the internet these days I honestly can't say that I came up with them, although I did re-write some in the process of creating this page.

I have run a jokes and humor mailing list since the late 1990s, and most of the jokes that I use on my lenses have been circulating via email for years, and via word of mouth and other means for donkeys years before that. Some I even heard when I was a boy, and I bet they weren't new then either.

In most cases nobody knows who started a joke, or who has any ownership of a funny story. If I have used something that you know to be copyrighted, please let me know, and I will be pleased to credit it appropriately or to remove it if that is preferred.

Meantime, let's get back to the business of making people laugh...

So Why Are You Here? - Is it Golf, the Jokes, or both...

What brought you here today?

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Private Golf Lessons

Proof that sometimes you can take advice too literally

A couple love to play golf together, but neither of them have been playing like they want to lately, and so they decide that it might be an idea if they took private lessons.

The husband is the first one to have a lesson.

After the instructor sees his swing, he moans loudly, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" the man asks.

"You need to hold the club gently," the golf pro replied. "Hold the club just like you would hold your wife's breast."

So the man takes the advice that the instructor gave him, takes a swing, and KERPOW! He hits the ball and it flies almost 300 yards straight up the fairway.

The man is delightd, and goes back to his wife with the good news.

His wife can't wait for her lesson, which just happens to be the very next day.

The golf pro watches the wife take her swing, and just as before he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife meekly.

"You need to hold the club gently, just like you would hold hold your husband's willie".

The wife listens very carefully to the instructor's advice, then takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, landing about 15 feet from where she stood.

"That was great," the instructor says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

My Wife Thinks I'm Playing A Round Golf Tin Sign

Source

The Golf Club Championship Game

An example of why couples should not play together...

An elderly couple are playing together in the annual golf club championship.

The game has ended up in a play off hole, and everything rides on a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.

Aware of how critical the this final putt is, she takes her stance, and her husband can see her trembling.

Well the wife putts, the ball sails clear past the hole, and the couple lose the match.

On the way home in the car, it's obvious from the atmosphere that her husband is not happy, in fact he is fuming,

"I cannot believe that you missed that simple putt!" he said to his wife. "That putt was no longer than my dick."

The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

Golf Books from Amazon - Improve your game with a tutorial or two

Bragging Dads On The Golf Course

Sometimes it's good to brag about your kids, sometimes it's not...

Four men played a round of golf one day.

Three of them headed off to the first tee, while the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, and as men so often do, began bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "my son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded too."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee a few minutes later, having taken care of the bill.

The first man mentioned to him, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about this, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio.

The Perfect Shot

Sometimes things you say can be taken the wrong way...

A man stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and it was driving his partner absolutely nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking you so long? Just hit the blasted ball."

The man answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it" his partner says, "you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

Reserved Parking Golfers Only Tin Sign

Source

Smart Thinking

Sometimes a man can get his way without it costing a small fortune...

Three friends always wanted to play golf on a Saturday afternoon, but it was made almost impossible by the demands of their wives.

One day, after many failed attempts, they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when the first friend said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"

The second followed, "That's nothing, I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"

The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife anything at all!!!"

The others just looked at him in amazement, and asked how he managed that!

The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?"

She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"

The Genie

If you believe everything you are told, you are likely to get screwed...

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey,be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair".

Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.

He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do."

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said.

"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her in every conceivable position, and then some, for the rest of the afternoon.

Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly.

"You have to be kidding me! Thirty-five years old and both you idiots still believe in genies?

The Bee Sting

Once again be careful of how you say things...

A husband and wife were playing golf together when the man's wife was severely stung by a bee.

The husband ran quickly back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor.

"Come quickly!" he said. "my wife's been stung by a bee."

"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor.

"Between the first and second holes." shouted the husband.

"Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"

The Splint

Sometimes golf injuries can be very painful, and happen at the wrong time too...

A young man is out on the golf course and he takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor thinks for a moment, and tells him "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So the doctor takes four tongue depressors and forms a neat little 4-sided bandage, wires it all together; quite an impressive work of art.

The young man mentions none of this to his fiancée, and so the wedding goes ahead, and on his honeymoon night in their hotel room, she shyly opens her blouse to reveal the most amazing pair of breasts.

Believe it or not, this was the first time that her new husband had ever seen them.

She said to him, "You will be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts before."

In response he quickly pulls down his pants and says to her, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Don't Hit The Ball

Ahh don't you just love magical stories...

A husband and wife were out playing golf one day.

They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.

She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.

She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.

She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

The Naked Woman On The Golf Course

To some it's a dream come true, but to those whose mind is set on the game, it's a distraction

A really keen golfer was all ready to tee off on the 17th, when out of the woods came a naked girl, who ran right past him and disappeared into the woods on the other side of the tee.

The golfer thought that this was rather odd, but being set on having a good round, he lined himself up once again to tee off, but right in the middle of his backswing a man in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if he had seen a naked lady running past.

"Yes" said the golfer, "she ran off into the woods".

The man in the white coat said thanks and soon he disappeared into the woods on the other side of the tee.

For a third time the golfer prepared to hit the ball, when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods, and he was carrying a five gallon bucket of sand. The man asked the golfer if he had seen a man in a white coat come through her chasing a naked lady.

"Yes" the golfer said, "they both ran that way through the woods".

The man said "thanks" and started to run off into the woods himself, when the golfer stopped him and asked him what was going on.

The man explained to the golfer, "You see, we work at a sanitarium that backs onto the golf course. Every now and then that girl gets away and, all she wants to do is get naked and make love."

The golfer, looking curious, asked him, "Well, what's the bucket of sand for?"

The man in the white coat smiled and said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her the last time!!"

Giving Up Your Sex Life

Is golf so important to you that you would give up your sex life if it helped you to play better?

A keen golfer is playing in a competition match with a friend, and the friend is ahead of him by a couple of strokes.

The golfer says to himself: "I would give ANYTHING if I could just sink this next putt."

Out of nowhere, a stranger walks up to him and whispers in his ear: "Would you give up a quarter of your sex life to sink that putt?"

The golfer thinks that the man must be crazy, and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt. "OK." he says, "it's a deal", and lo and behold, he sinks the putt.

Several holes later his friend is starting to take the lead again, and the man mumbles to himself: "I wish if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

In a flash, the same stranger walks up to him and says, "Would that eagle be worth another quarter of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sure."

To his surprise, he takes hos shot and makes an eagle.

Finally, the game has reached the 18th hole, and yet again the man's friend is looking like he is going to win.

The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

He says nothing this time, but miraculously, the same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of

your sex life to win this match?"

Without hesitation he golfer says, "Alright then", hits the ball, makes the eagle and wins the competition.

As the golfer walks back to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says to him, "You know, I have really not been fair with you, because I did not tell you who I am. I am the devil, Satan, Lucifer, and from now on you WILL have no sex life."

"Well it's nice to meet you," says the golfer, "my name is Father O'Malley."

Two Old Men Talking About Golf

Talking golf with the uninformed can lead to some surprising mis-interpretations as you will see in this golf story.

Harold's wife said to him "It's about time that you learned to play golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the countryside when you are too old to chase women."

So Harold went to see his friend Mike who was a keen golfer and asked him if he could teach him how to play golf.

Here Harold tells us what he learned about golf.....

Mike said, "you've got balls, haven't you?"

Harold said "yes, but sometimes on a cold morning they're kinda hard to find."

Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow, he said, and we'll tee off.

What's tee off?

It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.

Not for me, you can tee off there if you like but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere.

No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your pinky finger.

Yeah, I've got one of those!

Well, you stick it in the ground and put your balls on top of it.

How do play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.

You do. You are standing when your ball is on the tee.

Well folks, Harold thought that was stretching a little thing too far, and he said so.

You got a bag, haven't you?

Of course.

Your balls are in it, aren't they?

Of course.

Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?

Harold thought "I suppose I could, but he was damned if he was going to".

Don't you have a zipper on the bag?

No, I am the old fashioned type.

Do you know how to hold your club?

Well after 50 years, Harold thought he should have some sort of idea, and told him so.

Mike said to take his club in both hands.

Harold knew right then he didn't know what Mike was talking about.

Then he said, you swing it over your shoulders.

Harold though, that's not me, that's my brother you're talking about.

He asked him "how do you hold your club?"

Harold said, "in two fingers."

He said, that wasn't right and got behind Harold, put both arms around him and told him to bend over and he would show him how.

Harold thought "He can't catch me there, because I didn't put in three years in the Navy for nothing."

"You hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar."

Harold said that he could well imagine.

Then Mike said, "when you are on the green."

"What's a green?" said Harold.

That's where the hole is.

Sure. You're not color blind?

No. Then you take your putter...

What's a putter?

That's the smallest club made.

That's what I've got - a putter, thought Harold.

With it, you put your ball in the hole.

Harold corrected him, "you mean the putter."

No, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter.

"Well" Harold thought, "I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon."

Then Mike said, "after you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen."

He wasn't talking to me, thought Harold. After two holes I'm shot to hell.

You mean, you can't make eighteen holes in one day?

Hell no, I make one hole in eighteen days, besides how do I know I'm in the 18th hole?

The flag will go up.

That would be just my luck, thought Harold.

Happy golfing!

The Women's Tee

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    • Gerhard Homveld profile image

      Gerhard Homveld 2 years ago from South Africa

      Haha. Really funny jokes, thanks for the share!

    • profile image

      Srexec 4 years ago

      An absolutely funny page! A laugh out loud page. Thanks

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      just so funny thank you so much. Here is one..What do you call a girl playing with her husbands clubs on the golf course? Stroke play..

    • LisaAuch1 profile image

      Lisa Auch 4 years ago from Scotland

      Funny, My hubby is a golfer so he appreciated these!

    • TonyPayne profile image
      Author

      Tony Payne 4 years ago from Southampton, UK

      @anonymous: I could put a Poll in so that people could do that, but I think it might make the page far to long, and would probably detract from the jokes more than it would benefit things. Nice idea though.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Loved the jokes. I was just thinking while reading through the jokes what a good idea it would be to be able to rate each individual joke. Is it possible?

    • GardenerDon profile image

      Gardener Don 4 years ago

      I thought your clean joke page was funny, but this one is hilarious. Good job!

    • Digory LM profile image

      Digory LM 4 years ago

      Great jokes. Thanks a bunch.

    • Scarlettohairy profile image

      Peggy Hazelwood 4 years ago from Desert Southwest, U.S.A.

      These dirty golf jokes had me smiling all the way to end.

    • tonybonura profile image

      Tony Bonura 4 years ago from Tickfaw, Louisiana

      I enjoyed the dirty golf jokes almost as much as I enjoyed the religous jokes. Thanks for the grins.

      TonyB

    • TonyPayne profile image
      Author

      Tony Payne 5 years ago from Southampton, UK

      @AstroGremlin: I think I have, is it the one about the guy who is shipwrecked on a desert island?

    • AstroGremlin profile image

      AstroGremlin 5 years ago

      Great golf jokes. Have you heard the one that ends, "Don't tell me you have a bag of golfs clubs in there!"?

    • fathomblueEG profile image

      fathomblueEG 5 years ago

      Funny lens, great job:-)

    • profile image

      antoniow 5 years ago

      Fantastic lens, nicely done! Squidlike

    • pheonix76 profile image

      pheonix76 5 years ago from WNY

      Nice jokes! Quite a few made me laugh. Neat lens, especially for golf fans. :)

    • MrInfopreneur profile image

      MrInfopreneur 5 years ago

      Great jokes selected. Some are bit too dirty for me *blush*

    • designINmind profile image

      designINmind 5 years ago

      I loved the joke about the bragging dads! Have to come back later - there's so much here. Thanks for a super lens :)

    • pcgamehardware profile image

      pcgamehardware 5 years ago

      Great selection of really cool golf jokes Poddys, thanks for sharing these, they made me laugh out loud... liked and blessed.

    • vetochemicals profile image

      Cindy 5 years ago from Pittsburgh Pa

      OOps, had to stop back since I forgot to say how much I loved your intro photo too and if you have a lens lesson on intro photos I'd love to see it, still can't figure that out! cheers, happy golfing.

    • vetochemicals profile image

      Cindy 5 years ago from Pittsburgh Pa

      These are hilarious, great share and I'll have to share with my husband so he can share with his golf buddies. I'm sure there's some new ones here for them. xoxo

    • mihgasper profile image

      Miha Gasper 5 years ago from Ljubljana, Slovenia, EU

      35 years and still in the crate are my favorites:-)

      Thanks for good laugh!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Thank you so much for making me lots of laugh.. Tony :D Have wonderful times.. always :)

    • JillY88 profile image

      JillY88 5 years ago

      Just haven't got time to read them all right now, but I will be back. My mother-in-law is going to love these. Top lens, love it. Thanks for blessing my lens also.

    • TheBaseballCoach profile image

      TheBaseballCoach 5 years ago

      I'll be using these when I get together with the guys come spring.

    • katiecolette profile image

      katiecolette 5 years ago

      Great jokes and excellent picks of golf ties :)

    • Andy-Po profile image

      Andy 5 years ago from London, England

      Very funny

    • profile image

      pawpaw911 5 years ago

      Thanks, I needed a good laugh.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      I'm still wondering how they all ended!

    • dahlia369 profile image

      dahlia369 6 years ago

      LOL... did you collect these on the Florida golf courses?

    • Virginia Allain profile image

      Virginia Allain 6 years ago from Central Florida

      Too much fun, I should be working but I had to read all the jokes. These will be great to pass along to my golf friends. I'm going to feature this on my Golf Pranks lens.

    • JoleneBelmain profile image

      JoleneBelmain 6 years ago

      Haha! Those jokes are awesome!! Very cute lens thumbs up :)

    • RhondaAlbom profile image

      Rhonda Albom 6 years ago from New Zealand

      Hehehehe. Funny stuff. Another winner. Blessed. Please add a link to one of the plexos on my humor angel lens (/humor).

    • profile image

      reasonablerobby 6 years ago

      my old man would have loved these, it must be hereditary because I did too

    • OhMe profile image

      Nancy Tate Hellams 6 years ago from Pendleton, SC

      I used to tell a joke about a wife buying her husband a left handed golf club and he was right handed but now I can't remember it. The funny part was that I mistakenly gave my husband a left handed golf club that year for Christmas.

    • profile image

      Ruthi 6 years ago

      My favorite is the bee sting!