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Don't Drink and Drive the Tractor

Updated on November 6, 2014

Rock Star Limousine Service

So my son who is away from home for the summer has a dream and prophecies that I will have an accident today. He can't really be sure but he thinks I am driving a van because it's big. He says I leave at the spur of the moment and maybe I die. Nobody in the family would let me drive all day. I felt like a rock star in a limousine, well minus the hair and the ability to sing anyway, Oh and I need a limousine.

I made it through the day but tonight after having dinner with my lovely wife and a couple of glasses of wine, I decide to mow our dog pen. It hasn't been done for a couple of weeks and could hide a few short people in it because the grass is so high, if you know what I mean. I climb up on the tractor. We have a little land you know, the dog pen is about the size of an average home lot. I start mowing away and look down to see the place where the grass comes out and it is clogged. If you are a man you know, once you get on the mower, you can't get off until the job is done so in my slightly inebriated state, I come up with a plan.

Full Speed Ahead

If I drive the tractor as fast as I can, (top speed about 25 mile an hour) over some bumpy ground next to the fence line which is 8 foot high, the mower will unclogged itself. I turn the tractor towards the fence and gun it. Well I pushed the throttle as far forward as it would go.

Walk on over

It was a little bumpier than I remember at that speed and all of the sudden I lost control and the mower hit the fence. You girls know how to do a walk over into a back bend right? If you are holding onto a tractor steering wheel and hit a fence I think anyone can do it. So ass over elbows I went still holding onto the steering wheel, both feet planted firmly on the engine housing of the tractor, looking kind of backwards kind of up at the sky.

The fence is in the way.

The tractor has now veered away from the fence and is moving down the hill. Damn it the jobs not done yet, can't get off the tractor. If I told you how I got back in the seat, I would have to lie about it because you know my body doesn't go that way. Somehow I got turned over and crawled back in to the seat. Pissed as I was, I knew I had had enough so I turned left out of the dog pen, and headed to put the tractor away.

Mowing by the dashboard lights

But then I saw a small patch by the apple trees that I missed mowing the other day, so I decide what the hey, I will mow that before it gets dark. I did forget that I didn't mow this spot because I had installed a new backwash line to the pool filter here and didn't want to mow over it. So after I picked up a piece of the backwash line that was hurled across the yard at great speed, I put the tractor away and took it back into the house to show the wife. I'll finish mowing tomorrow. I am going to sit down watch TV and have a third glass of wine. Wait the tractor does have lights on it, i might just finish mowing after I finish this bottle. I'll finish the story later.

Other works of A. Quintin Smith you may want to read.

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Tractors Accidents

See I am not the only one.


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© 2014 AQuintinSmith

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    • julescorriere profile image

      Jules Corriere 6 years ago from Jonesborough TN

      Happy New Year! Congratulations on your lens being chosen as a top 100 Community Favorite for 2011!

    • emmajowebster profile image

      emmajowebster 6 years ago

      loved the bit about you standing on the engine and how you got there!

    • JoyfulReviewer profile image

      JoyfulReviewer 6 years ago

      Congratulations on being one of the final 100 favorite Squidoo lenses of 2011!

    • OhMe profile image

      Nancy Tate Hellams 6 years ago from Pendleton, SC

      Congrats on being in the Top 100 Community Favorites.

    • wolfie10 profile image

      wolfie10 6 years ago

      nice little stories. had to laugh as it brought back memories of my own.

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      mcgemstones 6 years ago

      Very funny! I liked your story a lot. Nice job.