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Cartoons and Jokes for Emails

Updated on July 6, 2014

Email Humor

Ever since I began sending and receiving emails, I've been a sucker for the cartoons and jokes which immediately flooded the new medium, and I've made a collection of some of the best.

I've deliberately omitted the obviously adult material so this lens is definitely family friendly! Take a browse through, there'll be some you've seen before, some you don't like, some you might not understand, but there'll be many that make you laugh out loud. And that's what its all about.

Don't try to read them all at once - it becomes a chore, and they'll stop being funny. Rather bookmark the page and dip in often. Enjoy!

MALE vs FEMALE AT THE ATM

Don't shoot the messenger, I'm only passing this on

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are

requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card

holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Missing Dog

 

So you think you know everything!

Apples, not caffeine,

Are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .

********************************* ********************************************

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for

Blood plasma.

********************************* ******************************************

No piece of paper can be folded in half

More than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...

****************************************************************************

Donkeys kill more people annually

Than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )

************************************************************************

You burn more calories sleeping

Than you do watching television.

**************************************************************************

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

****************************************************************************

The first product to have a bar code

Was Wrigley's gum.

*************************************************************************

The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

***************************************************************************

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive

From each salad served in first-class.

**************************************************************************

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)

(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

*********************************************************************

Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN !

************************************************************************ ****

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

***************************************************************************

Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!

**************************************************************************

PEARLS DISSOLVE

IN VINEGAR !

*********************************************************************

The three most valuable brand names on earth:

Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

**********************************************************************

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

But, not downstairs.

************************************************************************

A duck's quack doesn't echo,

And no one knows why.

************************************************************************

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)

***************************************************

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

So.......................

Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on......and go move your toothbrush !!!

No Words Needed

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

This is really cool.

(i love this part... its absolutely amazing!)

Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI

FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.

READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.

It will drive them crazy.!

And keep them occupied

For several minutes.

Can you give me a push?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a

louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and

there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to

realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the

door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she

says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick

the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house

to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get

lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the

right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed

and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he

shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

Today's Britain (or France, or Germany......)

 

A Mother's Love

"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

"Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!

Email Humor, Yes or No? - Some love this type of communication (I do), some hate it. Where do you stand?

Email Humor Is:

See results

Bumper Stickers for Seniors

(or Juniors in Training)

Draw Your Favorite Cartoon Characters - A Clear, Step-by-Step Approach

Photos That Make You Go OMG!

 

Another OMG! (Yes, its his hair!)

New Business

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Husband Down

A husband and wife were shopping in their local supermarket.

On the PA system came the message: "Cleanup on aisle 12, we have a husband down!"

Moments before

The husband picked up a case of Stella and put it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"They're on sale, only £15 for 24 bottles," he replied

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demanded the wife, and so they carried on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a £30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorted: "So do 24 bottles of Stella and it's half the price."

NOT Politically Correct

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, So I've named him Birmingham .

The wife suggested I get myself one of those male enlargers ....... So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, His little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful sods. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble any more.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you,

I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat pillock, I was talking to the cat!'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Airshow Disaster - Brace yourself before looking at the below image. A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered

Make Me Feel Like A Woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die".

Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

"Iron this -- and then get me a beer"

Laughter, the Best Medicine - A Laughter Yoga Lesson on the Banks of the Ganges

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