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Tips on Farting in Public Without Embarrassing Yourself
How do we really fart?
An onomatopoeia is a word that phonetically imitates or suggest the source of the sound. We instinctively know what kind of animal makes noise such as "oink", "meow" or "woof". But I beg to disagree with Wikipedia when the word "Fart" is considered an onomatopoeia. Humans have evolve to their exulted position at the top of the food chain through cunning and ingenuity. I take offense that our act of farting should be considered no different from that of lower animals. Humans are not vulgar and the process of farting has become an art.
The How to fart Challenge
After submitting an earlier article to the "Stan Fletcher's Fabulous Creative writing contest" I am again submitting this new hub in response to Stan's challenge to his fellow hubbers to "delved deeper into the right side of their brains" in order to free our creativity from the constraints of mundane, prosaic and unimaginative writing.
I have now decided to make use of my time more productively by researching and writing only on subjects that have profound and far reaching effect or impact on our human existence....and hence,this hub :)
Reading several hubs submitted earlier about "How to Fart", I notice that the subject matter was treated lightly and lack the intellectual penetration nor emotional depth of serious thought that it deserve.
I am therefore putting in my two cent's .....make that a fart(hing's) worth of "Cerebral flatulence"
Learn how to fart...big time
Instead of being embarrass by "FART NOISES" in pubic which after all is a natural bodily process, why not make use of it? In a manner of speaking, HARNESS THE INNER POWER WITHIN YOU. Learn how to fart in public.
Baby learning how to fart
How to fart for revenge
Get even with your boss or mother-in-law for all the bossing you around a bossy boss or a mother-in-law usually does.
Sneak up behind them when you feel the urge to fart and let out a really stinky one.Wrinkle your nose and put on a disgusting look for the people around you while pointing at the victim. Works best at meetings,parties and any social gatherings.
How to fart defensively
In some states because it is illegal to carry a mace,someone suggested using a whistle to scare off would be muggers or rapist.
But does a woman have enough time to search inside her handbag? If you ever peek into the contents of a ladies handbag, you will find it contains everything but the kitchen sink.
What if the mugger or rapist grabs you from behind in a bear hug?
NEVER SURRENDER,MAKE A STAND AND COURAGEOUSLY FART...ER FIGHT BACK TO PROTECT YOUR DIGNITY AND HONOR.
Have a tiny whistle implanted in..... you know where to amplify the "FART NOISES". A "PEEEEWIIIIITTT" coming out of nowhere would make it appear a policeman is nearby and would discourage further assault from your assailant.
* A word of caution ~ Never use it in train stations as it can be mistaken for an emergency or alarm and might cause unnecessary train stoppage
Remember the wise saying " The best defense in an offensive FART."
How to fart romantically
If you can synchronize your farting with your girlfriend or boyfriend, farting moments need not be embarrassing.
It could actually be sweet and romantic.
It's like one saying "Thank you" and the other saying "your welcome". In a conversation,it is rude not to answer so fart back. It's the polite thing to do.
How to fart in public
If you still believe that farting is embarrassing, then here are some helpful tips to divert attention and accusation towards you
As your senses tell you that you are about to let go a stinky FART , begin by walking around to spread your...bio-gas. Do so in a nonchalance way so people can't trace it back to you.It's best if you keep moving but avoid unnecessary and funny movements of the body that might cause people to suspect you.Try also to keep a deadpan demeanor.
If you have a dog, wag your finger at it and say "bad doggy" or blame it on your kid (the younger the better) but NEVER NEVER attempt that if he's a teenager.They may act or look stupid but they're not going to let such an opportunity pass for all the times YOU embarrassed them when they were kids, accusing them falsely for your farting. It's payback time! In a voice loud enough for people to hear, your kids might yell in unison, "Hey dad, don't you know it's not polite to fart! "
How not to fart in public
A lifetime experience of farting in public
About the author
Although I am not a doctor or physical fitness instructor. A lifetime of farting experience should be enough qualification to give advice on how to fart.
THE AUTHOR IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY CONSEQUENCES ARISING FROM THE IMPROPER USE OF ADVICE ON "How to Fart". These ideas are merely the crepitation of my cerebral flatulence.