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Funny Humorous Letters

Updated on June 30, 2012

Funny And Silly Letters, Mail And Optical Illusions

"It is the dog mess that I find hard to swallow." Yuk! Sorry about that!

I was a manager for a finance company for quite a few years and remember the many unintentionally funny letters we sometimes received. Unfortunately I didn't keep copies of them. However, here are a few humorous letters I have collected from other sources.

They are from a council's housing department, a pensions office and so on. Some contain double entendres but hopefully this won't upset anyone too much - well it won't if your mind is pure!

There is an art to writing a simple letter but sometimes the result isn't perhaps what we intended.

There again, things in life often aren't always what they seem! Life is just an illusion. And sometimes an optical illusion.

Life Is An Illusion - Optical Illusion 1

The lines are, of course, really parallel - probably, sort of - but a lot of life is like this.

The Ultimate Book of Optical Illusions

Funny Letters With Double Entendres

Extracts from letters sent to a council housing office - Part 1

These are genuine extracts from letters sent to a council housing office. There are double entendres galore but the senders wrote their words in all innocence.

Lady tenant complaining about DIY repairs next door:

"He has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more."

Problems with the garden foliage:

"My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it"

Noisy neighbours:

"... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night."

Dangerous paths:

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle badly; then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

Kitchen furniture problems:

"I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers."

Repairs needed:

Send a man round with a big tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

"I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction."

Often in life we send people the wrong message or messages without realising we are doing so.

Life Is An Illusion - Optical Illusion 2

So, is it a duck or a rabbit? Is anything what it seems?

Funny Toilet Humour Letters

Extracts from letters sent to a council housing office - Part 2

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them away."

"My lavatory seat is cracked - where do I stand?"

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

"This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we can't get BBC2 television programs."

Toilet Jokes On Amazon

Life Is An Illusion - Optical Illusion 3

Does the blue line join the black line in the left hand image?

Mixed Funny Letters

Extracts from letters sent to a council housing office - Part 3

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"It is the dog mess that I find hard to swallow."

"50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it."

Life Is An Illusion - Optical Illusion 4

Count the black dots. It's easy to miss some of them!

Funny Letters To A Pensions And Insurance Office

This time we have extracts from genuine funny letters sent to a Pensions and Insurance Office:

"I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why this is?"

"This is my eighth child. What are you doing about it?"

"Mrs. Brown has no clothes and has not had any for a year. The vicar has been visiting her."

"In reply to your letter. I have already co-habited with your office, so far without result."

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which is a mistake as you will see."

"Sir, I am glad to say my husband, reported missing, is now dead."

"Unless I get my husband's money I shall be forced to lead an immoral life."

"I am writing these lines for Mrs. Green who cannot write herself. She expects to be confined next week and can do with it."

"I have enclosed my marriage certificate and six children. I have some and one died, which was baptised on a half sheet of paper by the Rev. Thomas."

"Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living with won't eat or do anything until he is sure."

"In answer to your letter I have given birth to a little boy weighing ten pounds. Is this satisfactory?"

"You have changed my little girl into a little boy. Will this make any difference."

"Please send my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord."

"I have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all day and all night."

"In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

"I want money as quick as you can sent it. I have been in bed with my doctor all week and he does not seem to be doing me any good."

"Milk is wanted for my baby as the father is unable to supply it."

"Regarding your enquiry the teeth in the top are alright but the ones in the bottom are hurting terribly."

Life Is An Illusion - Optical Illusion 5

The revolving circles that don't really revolve ... or do they ...

Funny Medical Quotes

The things that medical staff write in letters.

The medical profession may be known for their bad handwriting but their letters and notes aren't too good either. Just look at these funny quotes from the UK medical staff.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Patient was seen in consultation with Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, I agree.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1997.

Patient has waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room.

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

And to think we rely on these medical staff to make use feel well. Their funny medical quotes help though! And in most case we can see what they were trying to say.

Photos on this module from Free Stock Photos.

Life Is An Illusion - Optical Illusion 6

So which is the biggest? Women usually get this right whereas men are often confused.

Funny Chain Letter For Women

Women: How You Can Get 5,625 Men

Not sure if you will have seen this funny chain letter but it was received by my wife a while back. I was bundled up and ... well, you'll see below ...

'This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and frustrated women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends, who are equally tired and frustrated. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 5,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom were worth keeping. Remember - this chain brings luck. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a successful gynecologist. You can be lucky too, but do not break the chain! One woman broke the chain, and got her own husband back again.'

...my wife decided to keep me instead, such is life!

Funny Things Wives Write About Their Husbands

Celebrity Quotes

Victoria Beckham

"My husband vacuums in a pinny. He's a total animal in bed. He walks round the kitchen saying, 'I'm a gay icon!'"

Princess Michael of Kent

"My husband always gave me a cat whenever I wanted another baby."

Madonna

"When I was married I did the washing a lot, I liked folding my husband's underwear and matching socks."

Katie Price (a.k.a Jordan)

"On our wedding night we had crisp sandwiches in bed."

Jools Oliver

"I greet my husband dressed in nothing but a pair of jingle bells on my boobs and do a silly dance."

Toyah Willcox

"My husband doesn't want me to have a hysterectomy but I might just have one and not tell him."

Anthea Turner

"My husband says my boob job was the best £3000 he's ever spent."

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Funny 911 Emergency Calls

Funny Phone Calls

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .

Dispatcher : Excuse me?

Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?

Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath... Darn......I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police

If you like jokes, awful jokes that might make you moan then please pop along to my other humour lens Awful Jokes.

I was having a meal in my local restaurant and was told that they had run out of salt and pepper. I always carry my own so I have the condiments to the chef.

A man phones the hospital and says, "Help, my wife has gone into labour." The nurse replied, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" The man replies, "No, this is her husband."

Exercise your chuckle muscle, it's perfectly legal.

Plus, Plus, Plus! You must read Sidney Sock Goes Missing. There are photos, intimate details of a socks sox life - and how they mate! There's mystery, suspense ... and it's funny!

Plus, Plus, Plus. If you are into golf take a look at Golf Jokes and Golf One Liners

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This Lens Featured On Joker Squid

Thanks guys!

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    • mbgphoto profile image

      Mary Beth Granger 8 years ago from O'Fallon, Missouri, USA

      This is great! I loved the chain letter :)

    • profile image

      sulynsi 8 years ago

      Thanks! People are often funniest when they aren't trying.

    • RaintreeAnnie profile image

      RaintreeAnnie 8 years ago from UK

      Well I found this hilarious!! Thank you for the great laughs :D

    • Natalie W Schorr profile image

      Natalie W Schorr 8 years ago

      Oh dear - so funny!

    • profile image

      MobyD 8 years ago

      Fun lens! 5 stars, favorited and lensrolled to my Spoonerisms and Ground Fog Day lenses.

    • klieneine lm profile image

      Lauren W 8 years ago from Henderson, NV

      quite funny. thanks for the laughs.

    • TonyPayne profile image

      Tony Payne 7 years ago from Southampton, UK

      Very very funny, 5***** I invite you to add this to the "Laugh Away" group on Squidoo.

    • profile image

      bdkz 7 years ago

      My name is Bonnie and I’m a Giant Squid Community Organizer here on Squidoo. I think you’ve got a quality lens on your hands and should check out the Giant Squid Program! Giant Squids are the best-of-the-best on Squidoo and get some amazing perks.

    • CatharinaE LM profile image

      CatharinaE LM 7 years ago

      I really love your lens, very funny! 5*, lensroll and favorite

    • lollyj lm profile image

      Laurel Johnson 7 years ago from Washington KS

      Thanks for stopping by my friendship lens. :))

      You've outdone yourself with this funny letters lens. I laughed myself silly while reading.

      Thanks for the laughs. 5, fave, lensroll, cause everybody needs a good chuckle now and again.

    • OhMe profile image

      Nancy Tate Hellams 7 years ago from Pendleton, SC

      This is so funny. Great work. Those illusions drive me crazy.

    • TreasuresBrenda profile image

      Treasures By Brenda 7 years ago from Canada

      Unfortunately, miscommunication happens too often, especially with e-mail (and not usually funny!)

      Well done; blessed by an Angel.

    • profile image

      anonymous 7 years ago

      a little boys worst nightmare, peeing into an open mouth.

    • Ahmady LM profile image

      Ahmady LM 7 years ago

      My friend in England pointed me to this one after I sent him the link to the Goons and Dad's Army lenses! I am so glad he did because I am ROFL! And I really did need the laughs!!!! He (he is Cornish) also said, "Snozzle is just about how a Cornishman might pronounce St. Austell." 5**

    • Suzie-Shine profile image

      Suzie-Shine 7 years ago

      Thanks for making me laugh, Mike.

      Suzie

    • profile image

      Sadheeskumar 7 years ago

      I love your lens. You have done a good work. I have enjoyed all your work. It is worth more than five Stars, But I can give only 5 Stars.

    • profile image

      anonymous 7 years ago

      Thanks for entertaining me :)

    • profile image

      anonymous 7 years ago

      Hilarious! Great job on this lens!

    • wyrm11268 profile image

      wyrm11268 7 years ago

      Love this lens! Have enjoyed the laughs - was laughing so much my husband just came in to see what I was doing :-)

    • JuneMary LM profile image

      JuneMary LM 7 years ago

      Thanks for the laughs. You've brightened my day. I shall favourite it when I find out how.

    • Swisstoons profile image

      Thomas F. Wuthrich 7 years ago from Michigan

      This might be the first lens I've read every word of from beginning to end. Highly amusing!

      Lensrolling it to several of my own and doing all the other good stuff.

    • profile image

      anonymous 7 years ago

      Very funny!

      I worked for a local authority once and had to deal with someone who had come in on behalf of his neighbour who only had one leg. He was complaining about the cost of some repairs and he said: "It's dreadful. It's going to cost the poor man an arm and a leg"!

      SquidAngel Blessings for you!

    • drifter0658 lm profile image

      drifter0658 lm 7 years ago

      People say the darndest things! Thanks for the laughs.

    • clouda9 lm profile image

      clouda9 lm 7 years ago

      Hysterical - we humans are a funny lot! LOL fun - thanks for putting this together.

    • sittonbull profile image

      sittonbull 7 years ago

      Hilarious Lens! Guess this is where they find the titles to some songs... "I can't get no... satisfaction!" and I'm sure there are many who are disappointed to find they are not "Circus sized"! Heads up to Holly for getting some of us over here from "The Beach"...LOL

    • profile image

      ulla_hennig 7 years ago

      Thanks for making me laugh!

    • profile image

      Babitah 7 years ago

      I had a good laugh reading your lens.

      Very funny..

      Five stars and favorited..

    • Airinka profile image

      Airinka 6 years ago

      Very funny!

    • oztoo lm profile image

      oztoo lm 6 years ago

      Well I certainly started my day with a good laugh. Hilarious stuff. Thanks.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      You've really cheered me up. Just hilarious!

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. The medical ones, especially, had me laughing out loud. Will favorite so I can jump back over and check out some of your other links. Thumbs up!

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      What fun this has been to visit! ~ You said a mouth full when you said, "things in life often aren't always what they seem! Life is just an illusion. And sometimes an optical illusion."

      Susie

    • GuyB LM profile image

      GuyB LM 6 years ago

      Great lens, however I actually vomited when I saw the picture of the eyeball. I did not think I would be cleaning up my own vomit today. Thanks thumbs up

    • norma-holt profile image

      norma-holt 6 years ago

      Thanks for this hilarious read. Still wiping up the tears. *-*Blessed*-* and featured on Sprinkled with Stardust

    • profile image

      the777group lm 6 years ago

      That was lots of fun.

    • profile image

      Sadheeskumar 6 years ago

      Very Nice lens with lot of illusions. I have enjoyed it.

    • profile image

      Obscure_Treasures 6 years ago

      Great Lens! So glad I found you! Might share some of your info on my Blog too!

    • Spook LM profile image

      Spook LM 6 years ago

      Long time no see or hear Mike. We are only human after all but reading this account gives me pause for thought. Shocking. BTW, what is a double entendre? Blessed by an Angel.

    • VarietyWriter2 profile image

      VarietyWriter2 6 years ago

      The duck rabbit is pretty cool!

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Very funny. I'm glad Carrie sent us over to read these! Blessed!

    • profile image

      Pete Schultz 6 years ago

      great fun, and funny items. I especially like the optical illusions.

    • profile image

      WriterBuzz 6 years ago

      Wow, your lens is cool. Just thought I'd leave a comment to let you know. I also gave you a thumbs-up and made you one of my favs. Thanks for sharing this information. If you have time, surf on by and check out my newest lens on Migraine Headaches. Leave me a comment on what you think.

    • Darla Dixon profile image

      Darla Dixon 6 years ago

      Add some Mrs. Slocombe lines and you will have created the perfect double entendre page, and I am unanimous in that.

    • darciefrench lm profile image

      darciefrench lm 6 years ago

      The intellect is a grand source of humor -facts out of context will do it every time :) Funny lens, and I like the way it's arranged- one gets 'to the punchline' of the jokes quickly. Good job!

    • HealthBug LM profile image

      HealthBug LM 6 years ago

      Really entertaining lens, really making life cool. Graphics are really attractive and complement the text. Good job.

    • nadjaiskeniskie profile image

      nadjaiskeniskie 5 years ago

      I want a real rabbit/duck. I would call him Ruck for short. I would keep him in Sack.

      Sorry.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      great work. If u like more funny and humurus stuff like this u can simply visit http://www.funnyjokes2011.co.cc

    • chezchazz profile image

      Chazz 5 years ago from New York

      Funny lens nicely presented. (I did LOL) Blessed on the Squid Angel Labor Day Bus Tour

    • profile image

      RUBEGRAY 5 years ago

      Well now that I've wiped the tears from my eyes, I can write a comment. Very funny lens and found I couldn't stop reading once I started. Great visuals too. I think we must have similar sense of humor.

    • profile image

      redleafloans 5 years ago

      Hahaha.. I love the 911 emergency calls...

    • profile image

      phoenix3423 5 years ago

      NIce! Thanks for brightening up my morning! Hehe my security word is pigbug I am entertained easily

    • profile image

      baby-strollers 5 years ago

      We should all laugh much more! Great lens...

    • firstcookbooklady profile image

      Char Milbrett 5 years ago from Minnesota

      I like your lenses!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      these are sooo funny !

    • mihgasper profile image

      Miha Gasper 4 years ago from Ljubljana, Slovenia, EU

      Very funny lens. Part with teenage children but no other abnormalities is my favorite:-)

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Find more letters of complaint here at http://jonslovelyletters.blogspot.co.uk/

    • profile image

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