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The Best One-Liner Comebacks

Updated on November 9, 2015
Best one-liner comebacks.
Best one-liner comebacks.

Have you ever been insulted and didn't have a good comeback at the ready? These everyday insults and one-liners should help you out in any situation.

Good Everyday Insults

  • You are so stupid that you took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff.
  • You look like the poster child for a suicide hotline.
  • You are the reason contraceptives exist.
  • You are what comes out when a brother and sister have a baby together.
  • I think your mother may have skipped the third trimester.
  • You are so dumb that you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.
  • I don't believe you have a top floor for your elevator to go to.
  • All you need is a helmet and a mouth guard to be a prime candidate for the short yellow bus.
  • When God was giving out whoopings with his ugly stick, you got a few extra licks.
  • Your face too closely resembles the surface of the Moon.
  • You look like my right testicle after cold water shrinkage.

You are what comes out when a brother and sister have a baby together.

  • You're just lucky the toilet wouldn't flush when you were born.
  • Did you eat paint chips as a child? Are you still living your childhood?
  • You grew up near power lines, didn't you?
  • Shut up before I call the Men in Black on you, you feckin' alien.
  • You were born in a dirty test tube, weren't you?
  • You are like a genetics experiment gone horribly wrong.
  • Holy crap! Just how premature were you?
  • Your face looks like a dog's fart that's been freeze-framed.
  • Did you use Botox to paralyze your ugliness?
  • You remind me of . . . you know what? I don't think I've ever come across anything as bizarre as you before.
  • Doctor Livingshit, I presume?
  • You're so screwed up, even your afterbirth had defects.

You grew up near power lines, didn't you?

Video: Classic Friars Club Roast

Funny Comebacks

  • You are so beautiful in a truly ugly way.
  • Life must be so simple when you're that stupid.
  • I guess the dentist couldn't do anything for you.
  • Are you always this stupid or are you putting in overtime today?
  • You're so dumb, you have the IQ of a salad spoon.
  • Hey man, you sit down to pee, don't you?
  • Let me piss in your ear. I think your brain is on fire.
  • What do you do, use Botox as lotion?
  • Damn, you look like you swallowed a beach ball.
  • You're so fat, when you go swimming at the beach whales try to mate with you.
  • I saw your girlfriend the other day. I said "Hi" to all three of her.
  • I didn't know it was possible to be dumber than you already look.
  • You again? Go that way.

You have a kind face. The kind I want to pound the crap out of.

  • I have two words for you: Pro Activ
  • Do you screw with your nose? Because it looks like a penis.
  • Wow, penal implant, Viagara, and you're still a virgin.
  • They turn blubber into soap. You're not supposed to apply it directly.
  • Don't think too hard. You'll give yourself an aneurysm.
  • You would shame the Devil.
  • I can't look directly at you because I may turn to stone.
  • Look at your face! Did anybody die in the accident?
  • You have a kind face. The kind I want to pound the crap out of.
  • Do you still love nature, even after what it did to you?
  • You're so ugly, when you walk into a room the mice jump up on chairs.
  • At least you don't have to worry about being like anyone else. You are absolutely unique in your ugliness.
  • Your mind is so open. So open that intelligent thought just passes right through it.

Video: Robin Williams Roasts Richard Pryor

  • What a nice outfit! Who's the designer, Clearance?
  • Sure I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay for a ticket.
  • Hi! I'm human. What are you?
  • Hi! I'm from Earth.What planet do you hail from?
  • Went a little heavy on the Shitay Perfume, eh?
  • You're so skinny that they used you as a javelin in the Olympics.
  • Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
  • You have the kind of face only a mother could love. Too bad she put you up for adoption.

Insulting Poll

Are you smart and funny enough to use these one-liners?

See results

Key & Peele: Insult Comic

  • Anyone who ever told you to be yourself must not have known you.
  • The sign you were born under was "Red Light District."
  • You started at the bottom . . . and it's been downhill ever since.
  • Sure! I'd be happy to help you out! Now, which way did you come in?
  • Your face and odor are your biggest deterrents against muggers.
  • Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your inflatable death.
  • When you came across a can of orange concentrate, you stood there and concentrated with a pumpkin.

Your Mama

  • Your mama's so dumb that when she got locked inside a mattress store, she slept on the floor.
  • Your mama's so fat, she got baptized at Sea World.
  • Your mama's so fat, she shows up on radar.
  • Your mama is deformed with three toes on each knee and they call her Tone Toni Tony.
  • Wow! Your mama was allowed conjugal visits in the zoo?!

Don't let your mind wander. It's way too small to go out by itself.

  • You're so stupid, you sold your car to get gas money.
  • You're so stupid that if I said,"Christmas is just around the corner," you'd go looking for it.
  • Your girlfriend is so big she uses Mexico as a tanning bed.
  • Your girlfriend is so ugly that on Halloween, people go as her.
  • You're so stupid that you sat on the TV to watch the couch.
  • Your sister is so big that when she jumped for joy, she got stuck.
  • Don't let your mind wander. It's way too small to go out by itself.
  • I'm not anti-social. I just don't like you.
  • I may be fat, but you're shit-ugly, and I can diet.

Insulting Nicknames

  • Liver Lip
  • Milky Licker
  • Spank Monkey
  • Chisel Chest
  • Stupidus Maximus
  • Buddy Ruff
  • Herman Shim ("Her man she him.")
  • Mountain Oyster
  • Blow Chops
  • Schlong Jerker
  • Sphincter Child
  • Ball Chinian
  • Count Crapula
  • Dr. StrangeCrap
  • Flabaro
  • Jerky Licker
  • Gerifile
  • Penis de Milo
  • Professor Clump
  • Herman Munster
  • Quasimoto

One More Thing . . .

Would you use any of these insulting nicknames on somebody?

See results

Reader Feedback

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    • profile image

      Abbassrine 

      9 months ago

      I heard that brandy Melville is a really expensive store and one of my friends was picking on my somewhat poor friend that she couldn't afford it so I said:

      "I bet they sold shirts AKA pieces of shit with your ugly face for free on it and nobody bought it and/or anything else from the store that the store closed down"

    • profile image

      Pikachu 

      19 months ago

      Youre mamma is so fat she has a real horse on her Polo shirt.

    • profile image

      Anonymous 

      2 years ago

      Your face is so shriveled up, it looks like an old man's ballsack

    • profile image

      Anonymous 

      2 years ago

      This website will be taken down in 24hr of abusive words and acts

    • profile image

      Bob 

      2 years ago

      So funny

    • profile image

      Victoria 

      2 years ago

      Some of these were good lmao. I'll definitely try to use them

    • profile image

      my name is bill 

      3 years ago

      rjgrenre

    • profile image

      mesadupree 

      6 years ago

      Oh, there are so many here to use for ammo for the oh-so-deserving!

    • profile image

      HuntAndFishGuides 

      6 years ago

      Number 5 is just wrong man, haha

    • kimmie1967 profile image

      kimmie1967 

      6 years ago

      This was too funny. Will definitely have to remember some of these for when I am at the bar we frequent. Some of them really fit these to a t. And I love the comedians you listed here, all great ones.

    • sjgriffith profile image

      sjgriffith 

      7 years ago

      Great lens I love it

    • profile image

      willebill 

      8 years ago

      All the great comics are dead and I don't feel so good myself

    • blue22d profile image

      blue22d 

      9 years ago

      Hi Ken, Great lens with such wonderful casts and some of my favorite people are listed here. Five BIG stars to you and a lensroll to my lens: best online reference. Stop by and visit...it could use some TLC.

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      9 years ago

      Very good lens indeed. 5* Was fun to read it, I'll try to remember some for when I'm driving. No actually I don't do that, but I do like to read them.

    • profile image

      Derrayjac 

      9 years ago

      fantastic lens , love the insults , love this one

      I think your mother may have missed the third trimester

      Great stuff cheers

    • MikkiGVee profile image

      MikkiGVee 

      9 years ago

      I'm now armed for my younger brother. Next time I see him, I'm sure he'll be speechless. : )

    • greenerme profile image

      greenerme 

      9 years ago

      Wow, these are good... now I have some insults at the ready!

    • nekoneko profile image

      nekoneko 

      9 years ago

      I have a sarcastic quotes lens.. That's y i really love ur lens.. 5 stars..

    • profile image

      diggyisking 

      9 years ago

      Damn!

      Some of these are meeeeeean!

      I'm definitely going to remember a few of these, they might come in handy every now and then, just like a good pickup line;)

      Great lens man!

    • BusyQueen profile image

      BusyQueen 

      9 years ago

      Great lens, love the insults. 5 *****

    • profile image

      poutine 

      9 years ago

      I had a few laughs reading this lens.

      I wish I had such comebacks myself.

    • alesxandrea profile image

      alesxandrea 

      9 years ago

      your lens made me laugh.. *hard* lol!! 5* for this wacky lens :)

    • alesxandrea profile image

      alesxandrea 

      9 years ago

      your lens made me laugh.. *hard* lol!! 5* for this wacky lens :)

    • profile image

      Joan4 

      9 years ago

      Oh to be that quick and witty! also loved the photo of Jonathan Winters. he was one of our favorites and I had almost forgotten about him! Thanks for a fun reminder of some great laughs and some super comebacks!

    • OhMe profile image

      Nancy Tate Hellams 

      9 years ago from Pendleton, SC

      This is funny and gave me a chuckle.

    • RyanRE LM profile image

      RyanRE LM 

      9 years ago

      This is a great list of insults Ken. Very funny indeed :D

    • Karicor profile image

      Karicor 

      9 years ago

      Very handy list, indeed. Gotta hold on to this one!

    • kephrira lm profile image

      kephrira lm 

      9 years ago

      Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries, you silly silly man.

    • kerbev profile image

      kab 

      9 years ago from Upstate, NY

      I love every one of those people...except Bob Newhart. I live a happy life without him.

    • profile image

      danskapia 

      9 years ago

      Great lens. This is perfect for me because I have a buddy that I always like to exchange insults with. Lens rolled on What's yer Sayin'

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      9 years ago

      LOL..Absolutely fabulous lens!!! :) 5*'s for sure!!

    • profile image

      julieannbrady 

      9 years ago

      OMG! I get roasted at each tailgating get-together. Can't get no respect--it's a rough crowd. Perhaps it has to do with the consumption of libation? I am usually drinking water. CUTE idea for a lens!

    • ElizabethJeanAl profile image

      ElizabethJeanAl 

      10 years ago

      My students have the art of insults down to a science. I prefer to turn the other cheek but if I ever needed a good comeback...

      Entertaining lens.

      Lizzy

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