The Best One-Liner Comebacks
Have you ever been insulted and didn't have a good comeback at the ready? These everyday insults and one-liners should help you out in any situation.
Good Everyday Insults
- You are so stupid that you took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff.
- You look like the poster child for a suicide hotline.
- You are the reason contraceptives exist.
- You are what comes out when a brother and sister have a baby together.
- I think your mother may have skipped the third trimester.
- You are so dumb that you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.
- I don't believe you have a top floor for your elevator to go to.
- All you need is a helmet and a mouth guard to be a prime candidate for the short yellow bus.
- When God was giving out whoopings with his ugly stick, you got a few extra licks.
- Your face too closely resembles the surface of the Moon.
- You look like my right testicle after cold water shrinkage.
You are what comes out when a brother and sister have a baby together.
- You're just lucky the toilet wouldn't flush when you were born.
- Did you eat paint chips as a child? Are you still living your childhood?
- You grew up near power lines, didn't you?
- Shut up before I call the Men in Black on you, you feckin' alien.
- You were born in a dirty test tube, weren't you?
- You are like a genetics experiment gone horribly wrong.
- Holy crap! Just how premature were you?
- Your face looks like a dog's fart that's been freeze-framed.
- Did you use Botox to paralyze your ugliness?
- You remind me of . . . you know what? I don't think I've ever come across anything as bizarre as you before.
- Doctor Livingshit, I presume?
- You're so screwed up, even your afterbirth had defects.
You grew up near power lines, didn't you?
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- You are so beautiful in a truly ugly way.
- Life must be so simple when you're that stupid.
- I guess the dentist couldn't do anything for you.
- Are you always this stupid or are you putting in overtime today?
- You're so dumb, you have the IQ of a salad spoon.
- Hey man, you sit down to pee, don't you?
- Let me piss in your ear. I think your brain is on fire.
- What do you do, use Botox as lotion?
- Damn, you look like you swallowed a beach ball.
- You're so fat, when you go swimming at the beach whales try to mate with you.
- I saw your girlfriend the other day. I said "Hi" to all three of her.
- I didn't know it was possible to be dumber than you already look.
- You again? Go that way.
You have a kind face. The kind I want to pound the crap out of.
- I have two words for you: Pro Activ
- Do you screw with your nose? Because it looks like a penis.
- Wow, penal implant, Viagara, and you're still a virgin.
- They turn blubber into soap. You're not supposed to apply it directly.
- Don't think too hard. You'll give yourself an aneurysm.
- You would shame the Devil.
- I can't look directly at you because I may turn to stone.
- Look at your face! Did anybody die in the accident?
- You have a kind face. The kind I want to pound the crap out of.
- Do you still love nature, even after what it did to you?
- You're so ugly, when you walk into a room the mice jump up on chairs.
- At least you don't have to worry about being like anyone else. You are absolutely unique in your ugliness.
- Your mind is so open. So open that intelligent thought just passes right through it.
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- What a nice outfit! Who's the designer, Clearance?
- Sure I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay for a ticket.
- Hi! I'm human. What are you?
- Hi! I'm from Earth.What planet do you hail from?
- Went a little heavy on the Shitay Perfume, eh?
- You're so skinny that they used you as a javelin in the Olympics.
- Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
- You have the kind of face only a mother could love. Too bad she put you up for adoption.
Are you smart and funny enough to use these one-liners?
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- Anyone who ever told you to be yourself must not have known you.
- The sign you were born under was "Red Light District."
- You started at the bottom . . . and it's been downhill ever since.
- Sure! I'd be happy to help you out! Now, which way did you come in?
- Your face and odor are your biggest deterrents against muggers.
- Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your inflatable death.
- When you came across a can of orange concentrate, you stood there and concentrated with a pumpkin.
- Your mama's so dumb that when she got locked inside a mattress store, she slept on the floor.
- Your mama's so fat, she got baptized at Sea World.
- Your mama's so fat, she shows up on radar.
- Your mama is deformed with three toes on each knee and they call her Tone Toni Tony.
- Wow! Your mama was allowed conjugal visits in the zoo?!
Don't let your mind wander. It's way too small to go out by itself.
- You're so stupid, you sold your car to get gas money.
- You're so stupid that if I said,"Christmas is just around the corner," you'd go looking for it.
- Your girlfriend is so big she uses Mexico as a tanning bed.
- Your girlfriend is so ugly that on Halloween, people go as her.
- You're so stupid that you sat on the TV to watch the couch.
- Your sister is so big that when she jumped for joy, she got stuck.
- Don't let your mind wander. It's way too small to go out by itself.
- I'm not anti-social. I just don't like you.
- I may be fat, but you're shit-ugly, and I can diet.
- Liver Lip
- Milky Licker
- Spank Monkey
- Chisel Chest
- Stupidus Maximus
- Buddy Ruff
- Herman Shim ("Her man she him.")
- Mountain Oyster
- Blow Chops
- Schlong Jerker
- Sphincter Child
- Ball Chinian
- Count Crapula
- Dr. StrangeCrap
- Jerky Licker
- Penis de Milo
- Professor Clump
- Herman Munster