Goddess of Gripe
Welcome to the Goddess of Gripe and Mother of Mockery!
So, it's not surprising to hear what this madam of mirth and mayhem has to say about the merry month of May -- "Springtime is special, it reminds me of my ex. Especially when I'm pruning out the deadwood!"
Image Credit: J. Wagner, Illustrator, Hallmark Cards - Little Shoebox Greetings.
TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY! - And Maxine knows how to do that!
Image Credit: Maxine cartoon, Hallmark - joyintherain-val.blogspot.com/maxinexmas2
Mouthy Maxine Sends Tons of Tacky Turkey Greetings and she also reminds everyone... - Show respect this Happy Holiday. Mute the TV while you say grace!
On the other hand, maybe it's time to pray for the soul of the little roasted reindeer -- you know, the one with the red nose.
Image Credit: Maxine illustration by J. Wagner, Hallmark Greetings - thecrabbyhost.com
Look, Scrooge isn't the only one who's cornered the market on cheap, flimsy, useless Christmas presents!
Scoot on over and let Maxine show you how to live a little!
There's one wicked wench who knows all there is to know about wise men.
Take it from Maxine - Thanksgiving & Christmas are for the birds!
MERRY MAYHEM from the MOTHER OF MOCKERY!
MUSINGS FROM MAXINE ON 2012. - It's The Chinese Year of the Dragon - An entertaining excuse for the Diva of Dragon Ladies to do her thang!
If it aint' broke...it ain't one of my New Year's resolutions! And, I think of the new year as a clean slate - to slowly drag my fingernails across.
But, if you need more of those catchy crotchety comebacks, here's 10 more!
1. Start off on the right foot. That way, the left one is still free for kicking butt!
2. Don't forget that if each day is a gift, it's time to return Mondays.
3. Do something with that extra room where the junk collects...close the door and pretend it's not there.
4. My soul's tired of chicken soup, this year I'm feeding it nothing but chocolate!
5. Visit the homes of relatives during the holidays, when they're most likely not to be there.
6. Remember - reduce, reuse, recycle doesn't work with burritos.
7. Use more low-fat, artificial butter, especially on the doorknob as salesmen approach.
8. Forget about the early-bird getting the worm, remember, the night-owl gets the tequila!
9. Organize chores into categories: things I won't do now; things I won't do later; and things I'll never do.
10. When all else fails, just repeat these wise words, "My attitude can beat up your attitude!"
And just in case you're wondering what glad tidings you can find at the annual January Winter Festival -- "I came up with a crative way to make ice sculptures. I spray passersby with the garden hose!
Image Credit: J. Wagner - "Maxine" - Hallmark Shoebox Greetings posted in booksidebaby.com/maxine dragon lady
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS POLL
Maxine wants to know how long your New Year's resolutions will last?
Wanna get a grip on grip?...Learn from the Grouch Guru!
There's no one who can rain on your parade better than Maxine!
SO WHERE DID MAXINE COME FROM?
In a world that adores only beauty, fame, and fortune, and thinks nothing of casting aside the old, obsolete, and opprobrious, it's a pleasure to see how a sassy sexegenarian named "Maxine" can all make us laugh out loud.
Hallmark Cards, (a world leader in greeting cards, gift-wrapping and other personal expression products), certainly knew a good thing when they captured the wicked wit of a crazy crone named "Maxine" twenty years ago.
The creative genius behind "Maxine" is Hallmark card artist John M. Wagner, who says he owes his inspiration for this plucky personality to his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother (who paid for his first art lessons). Note: As you can see, he omitted his wife and mother-in-law in his list of credits, (most likely on the grounds that he wishes to live in peace a little longer).
Today mirthful "Maxine" merchandise has hit the jackpot (judging from all the gripe-oriented gift-offerings on Hallmark website).
Crazy crones and closet curmudgeons will certainly find something to chortle about when they receive a few of these mighty fine funky things on their next birthday:
-- "Loafing and Loving It" personalized pieces of attire including a pair of breathtaking "bunny slippers", a "You've Got Glamour" sleep shirt, or a "Surly to Bed, Surly to Rise" nightshirt.
-- An "Absolutely Crabulous" blankety-blank bathrobe.
-- Maxine's "Bucket of Birthday Wishes" (no doubt compliments of the Dead Flower Society).
-- Maxine's "You Again?" Collectible Cookie Jar (for those who hate the "Cookie Monster" naturally).
-- And, Maxine's "Crabby Zone" Desk Set (for aspiring Amazons with Attitude).
MAXINE'S MUSINGS ON LIFE...(AND ALL THAT CRAP IN BETWEEN).
Never at a loss for words, "Maxine" knows when to let loose with a wicked bit of wisdom that even those wankers will understand!
-- "When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you!"
-- "If you're not supposed to stick Q-tips in your ears, what the hell are they for?"
-- "Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice-cream to reach your hips."
-- "Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive."
-- "Age doesn't make you forgetful. Having way too many stupid things to remember makes you forgetful."
-- "When I meditate, I envision a clear, deep pool...where a nude men's water polo match is in progress."
-- "If they can land a man on the moon, why can't they make a vacuum cleaner that'll suck up empty cans and pizza boxes?"
-- "How do we know global warming isn't just Mother Nature having a hot flash?"
-- "That summer sun is hot, so remember to use sun block before you moon anybody."
-- "There's nothing like a family picnic to destroy your faith in evolution."
-- "If men are from Mars, I say we need to find the bozo who supplied them with spaceships."
-- "My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before."
-- "When the neighbors play music too loud, I dance naked. Shuts 'em down pretty quick."
-- "Reach for the stars! (It keeps your chest from sagging.)"
-- "It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker."
-- "Life's all about ass: you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one!!!"
WHERE THERE'S A WILL THERE'S A WONKY WENCH
I, MAXINE, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
-- Glass of wine or a Bloody Mary
-- Cold Beer
-- Chicken fried steak
-- cream gravy
-- Mexican food
-- French fries
-- ice cream
-- cup of gin
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR AN AMAZON WITH ATTITUDE!
"Maxine" is everyone's favorite "lean, mean griping machine".
Voted by the "Sisterhood of Suck-It-Up" as their 'Irritating Idol Of the Year', she never fails to put wimps, wusses, and all manner of wunderkins in their place.
So, let's hear it for an amazing Amazon with attitude (in her own words of course)!
-- "I love my attitude problem!"
-- "I'm not a bitch, I've just been in a very bad mood for the past 40 years!"
-- "That which does not kill me makes me even crabbier."
-- "Don't bug me unless I can claim you as a deduction."
-- "I'm not short-tempered! I can stay mad for days!"
-- "When you're feeling stressed out, I think it helps to make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you."
-- "I baked some anatomically-correct gingerbread men this year. Didn't giv'em brains."
CRABBY COMEBACK CLUB
"Maxine" is not your typical feisty fashionista.
If she was ever invited to flaunt her stuff, this wisecracking wench would probably bitch and complain as she shuffled belligerently down the runway in her trademark look ...those blessed bunny slippers, the oversized tinted sunglasses, and her classic blue curly hair, accompanied by her sidekick mongrel named "Floyd".
The fact of the matter is that this brutally blunt babe who shoots from her plastic hip or zaps a few zingers when the spirit moves her, has more than 17,000 fans around the world who adore her antics.
More than likely dubbed "The Crabby Comeback Club", these crass cacklepusses and closet curmudgeons, don't give a sweet tweet about whether marvellous "Maxine" skewers the odd sacred cow or two, be it fast-food, feng-shui, or Father Time!
She may be a vintage vixen, (and she'd be the first to admit that "aging is a kick in the crotchety"), but this vexing voice reminds us all that there are more than a few "golden agers" and "senior citizens" who consider themselves "sassy, classy, and still kickin' assy!"
MOUTHY MAXINE ON THE MERITS OF MOTHER'S DAY (May 10)
QUEEN(S) OF CRABBY
- AND NOW A FEW WORDS FROM "CRABZILLA"!
A merry maven with oodles of attitude!
- MORE MIRTH FROM MAXINE
This Lippy Lady knows what to do with leprechauns, birthday cakes, and way too much time on her hands!
- MENOPAUSE MIRTH MAVEN
When you need an LOL moment...try this one on for size!
This little lens explains everything you need to know about cackling crones and cranky curmudgeons.
Maxine's musings on the merits of fall. - From the Queen of Crabby naturally!
-- "Fall makes me grumpy. In that way it reminds me of winter. And spring. And summer."
-- "I always starting running in the fall, not all of me, just my nose."
-- "The leaves have started changing colors, which reminds me I need to clean out the refrigerator."
-- "It's fall and the days are getting shorter and shorter. Along with my patience."
-- "I could go on a hayride, or I could shove sharp sticks down my pants. Same difference."
-- "Fall is a tough season for weather forecasters. It's too cool to scare us with the heat index and too warm to scare us with the wind chill."
-- "I use a leaf blower on my lawn. It's called 'the wind'."
-- "It's fall! Time to hate people who already have their lawnmowers stored, their homes winterized, and their Christmas shopping done."
-- "The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared."
-- "I love a brisk fall season, especially when the leaves blow into the neighor's yard!"
-- "Don't forget to turn your clock back. I'm going to turn mine back to when I was 20."
-- I'm going south for the winter ... actually, some parts of me are headed there already."
Image Credit: Maxine Hallmark Greetings - illustration courtesy of thoughts.com
OUR LADY OF LIPPY ON ..."IS LOVE REALLY IN THE AIR?"
"Our Lady of Lippy", Maxine, knows that every February 14th that crackpot Cupid wreaks havoc in her neighborhood full of feisty "Freedom Fifty-Fivers", (all with their newly-minted divorce decrees in hand).
The fact of the matter is that Cupid can't shoot straight. His frigging bows and arrows keep going off course and hitting the damn dogs and cockamammie cats who won't shut up now!
But Maxine is ready for "Big Booty Day". She knows exactly what to serve any limp love birds who drop by unannounced for some Valentine Vittles. Never at a loss for words, she's dishing out the dirt that day with her favorite finger food "Bittersweets"!
"Our Lady of Lippy" knows that love may be in the air one day a year but laugh lines live forever, after all, "Earth is the insane asylum for the universe isn't it?"
MOUTHY MAXINE - On the true meaning of St. Patrick's Day and how to celebrate it
St. Patrick's Day is a good reminder of why we have lots of Irish pubs and hardly any Irish restaurants.
May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch.
St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Wonder if I could get him to stop by the office?
If you're kissn' ... I'm Irish.
Pinch me on St. Patrick's Day and the road's gonna ride up and to meet your face.
No green food for me. I get enough of that from my own fridge.
It's OK to pretend we're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. We pretend we're GOOD on Christmas don't we?
The invitation said "come as you are". I came hungry.
It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.
Image Credit: - Maxine cartoon posted in royaldish.com/Maxine St Patrick
Quote Credits: John Wagner, creator of Maxine cartoons for Shoebox Greetings, Hallmark Greetings
WISE WORDS FROM OUR LADY OF LIPPY - It's the Great Pumpkin time of year again!
-- "Yup, things are getting pretty scary out there. Oh, and also, it's Halloween!"
-- "I can carve a really great pumpkin if I've got a scary picture to work from. My driver's license photo is perfect!"
-- "This Halloween I'm going as a witch. No costume. I'm skipping my coffee. Believe me, it's scary!"
-- "Tonight's a full moon, huh? Well at least my howling won't seem so out of place."
-- "Trick-or-treaters can be so cute ... imagine them coming to my door and expecting to get something for free."
-- "Vampires sleep all day, fly wherever they want for free, and cant' see themselves in a mirror. Where do I sign?"
-- "It's almost time to rake my leaves. Yeah, right. Then I'm gonna fly around the neighborhood sitting on my welcome mat."
-- "Some of the neighbor's kids actually look better in masks!"
-- "If midnight is called the 'witching hour', then 6:00 am should be called the 'bitching hour'."
-- "What's the big deal about ghosts? I see through people all year!"
-- "Don't know why my neighbors are decorating for Halloween. The kids haven't taken their masks off all year!"
-- "People who yell 'Trick or Treat' are givin' me one too many options!"
-- "What's really scary at Halloween is knowing that all the family holidays are coming up."
Image Credit: Maxine cartoon, Hallmark Shoebox Greetings - dorazsays.wordpress.com/fall2
And as "Maxine" might say: "Leave your complaints about cranky cronies in someone else's 'pity pot'!"