- Entertainment and Media
Golf Jokes And Golf One Liners
Golf is a funny old sport isn't it?
I think golf is a bit of a joke. Yes, I've played but I look on it in pretty much the same way as Winston Churchill did. The great man said, "Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill designed for the purpose."
He got it about right, as far as I'm concerned, and that's why golf is funny.
As for my own golf playing, my doctor has advised me not to play any more. No, I haven't got a dickey heart or anything like that. He just saw my latest score card!
I'll miss it though in some ways. Golf is a very sociable game. For example, one of the quickest ways to meet new people is to pick up the wrong ball on a golf course.
Enough of all that, below you'll find a load of golf jokes and golf one liners to rummage through. Enjoy.
My golf is definitely improving. I'm missing the ball much closer than I used to.
A golfer came home in a foul mood. "I only hit two good balls today," he moaned, "and that was when I stood on a rake."
He couldn't help cheating at golf. One day, when he got a hole-in-one he wrote zero on his card.
He plays a fair game of golf - if you watch him.
A selection of golf one liners and some silly golf jokes as well ...
I've advised my friend to see a psychologist. He treats golf as if it were a game.
His doctor told him to play 36 holes a day, so he went out and bought a harmonica.
He's hopeless. He's the only golfer I know who shouts, "Fore," when he putts.
I love golf. I live golf. I dream golf. If only I could play golf!
Last week I missed a spectacular hole-in-one by only six strokes.
My wife claims that her golf is improving because today she hit the ball in one.
Sunday is the day all of us bow our heads. Some are praying and some are putting.
Man: "My doctor has told me I can't play golf."
Friend: "So he's played with you too has he?"
My wife says if I don't give up golf she'll leave me. That's bad luck. I know I'm really going to miss her.
What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 ft of garden hose?
Two golfers at the first tee.
Golfer 1: Hey guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!
Golfer 2: Great trade.
Golf was once a rich man's sport but now it has millions of poor players
Why does a golfer wear two pairs of pants.
In case he gets a hole in one.
Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.
A golfer has an advantage over a fisherman. He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.
What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A foursome.
"When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one-iron, becaue I know even God can't hit a one-iron."
The Golf Wife And His Mistress
Plus the golf wife watches
A golfer was poised over his shot for ages. His partner got irritated and said, "Come on, hurry up."
"But my wife is watching from the clubhouse and I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it", his partner replied, "You'll never hit her from here!"
Two men on the golf course follow two women who are playing slow. One of the men walks towards the women to ask if they can play through. About halfway there he turns back and says to the other man, "I can't go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress."
The other man replies, "No problem, I'll go and ask them."
When he was half way there he also turned back and said, "It's a small world."
"Golf is not and has never been a fair game."
A golf club walks into a bar and asked the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refused to serve him. "Why not?" asked the golf club. "Because you'll be driving later," the barman replied.
A young man went for a round of golf with a girl he liked. Before the game he went to the pro's shop and bought a couple of golf balls which he put in his pocket. When he met the girl she couldn't help but notice the bulge in his pocket. "It's only only golf balls," he explained. "Oh, I'm sorry," she answered. "Is it something like tennis elbow?"
The school teacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t? she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he answered. Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.
There's no game like golf. You go out with three friends to play 18 holes and return as enemies.
Two men were out playing golf when a funeral procession went past. One of the men took off his cap and bowed his head until the cortege passed. The other man said, "That was a decent gesture." The man replied, "It was the least I could do. She was a damned good wife to me."
A man came home after playing golf and his young son said excitedly, Daddy, did you win." "Well," said the father, "in golf it doesn't matter so much if you win. But I'll tell you one thing: I got to hit the ball more times than anybody else."
My neighbour was crying because her husband had left her for the fifth time. I said, "Don't be unhappy, he'll be back." "Not this time," she cried, He's taken his golf clubs."
A vicar was a keen golfer and couldn't help sneaking off to play a round one Sunday. An angel was watching him and told God, "Look at that preacher down there, abondoning his duties to play golf on a Sunday. He should be punished." God agreed and promised to act. A few minutes later the vicar hit a superb hole-in-one on a 350 yard hole. The angel was annoyed and said to God, "I thought you were going to punish him. Instead he's just hit a perfect hole-in-one. God smiled and answered, "Think about it - who can he tell?"
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?" "Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
Q: These days what do you need to shoot to win a major golf tournament?
A: Tiger Woods.
"Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six and write down five."
A golfer had been stranded on a desert island for ten years and in that time hadn't seen another living person. Then one day a beautiful blonde stepped out of the sea wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She went over to him and started to caress his long beard.
"How long is it since you last had a cigarette?" She asked
"Ten years," he answered
She slowly unzipped a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and produced a box of cigarettes and some matches.
"I've been desperate for a cigarette," he gasped.
When he had finished his cigarette she said, "And how long is it since you tasted whisky?"
"Ten years," he replied.
She slowly unzipped a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve and brought out a bottle of whisky.
"This is unbelievable," he said and drank half of the whisky. "I'd forgotten how good whisky tasted."
The blonde began unzipping the long fastening at the front of her wet suit and whispered seductively, "How long has it been since you last had some real fun?"
The man couldn't believe his luck, "Don't tell me," he said, "you've got a set of golf clubs in there."
The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking of the mechanics of the act while you are performing."
The term caddie comes from the French word 'le cadet' meaning the boy.
The term caddie or cadie is believed to have first appeared in the English language in the year 1634.
Golfer: I've never played this badly before.
Caddie: You've played before?
Golfer: Will you stop looking at your watch all the time, it's distracting me.
Caddie: It's not my watch It's my compass.
Golfer: Do you notice any improvement in me today, caddie?
Caddie: Yes, you've had a haircut.
Golfer: Okay, Caddie, can you count?
Caddie: Of course.
Golfer: And can you add up?
Caddie: Of course.
Golfer: So what is four plus five plus three?
Golfer: Come on, you'll do.
"Well, caddie, how do you like my game?"
"It's terrific. Mind you, I still prefer golf."
"That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old," said the player looking at a ball deep in the trees.
"It is a long time since we started, sir."
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddie because the cart cannot count, criticise or laugh.
After a long day on the course an annoyed golfer turned to his caddie and said, "You must be the worst caddie in the world." The caddie replied, "I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence."
"I play in the eighties. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play."
Joe E Lewis
Dirty Golf Jokes
Well only if you don't have a pure mind.
NINE THINGS HEARD ON THE GOLF COURSE THAT SOUND DIRTY!
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, bother, my shaft's all bent.
3. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. Just turn your head and drop it.
8. Hold on, I've got to wash my balls.
9. Damn, I missed the hole againAfter a whirlwind romance a couple married and went on honeymoon. "Darling," he said, "I've got a confession to make. I'm a golf addict and play every weekend in the summer. You'll hardly ever see me."
The wife took a deep breath and said, "I too have a confession to make. I'm a hooker."
"That's no big deal," said the husband, "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight."
Kevin joined a threesome and as he'd had a very successful day he was invited back the next day for a game at 8 a.m.
"Look guys," said Kevin, "I'd love to play but I could be two minutes late!"
Next morning he showed up right on time, played another lovely round but this time he played every stroke left-handed. Again, he was invited back to join the threesome at 8 a.m. the next day.
"Sure, I'll be here, but remember I could be late, but it will only be a couple of minutes!"
"We'll wait," one of the golfers assured him. "But by the way, could you explain something that's been mystifying us all. Yesterday you played right-handed and today you played left-handed. Obviously you're proficient at both so how do you decide which way to play."
"Ah well," Kevin answered, "when I wake up in the morning, if my wife's lying on her right side, I play right-handed and if she's lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Simple as that."
"But what if she's lying on her back?"
"That's when I'm two minutes late!"
What's the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.
"Give me my golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and fresh air."
A golfer met the Pope and said to him, "Your Holiness I'm a very keen golfer. I play every day. Is there by any chance a golf course in Heaven?"
I'm not sure said the Pope, I'll have to ask God.
A few days later the man met the Pope again and asked if there was any news about there being a golf course in Heaven.
The Pope answered him, "Apparently there is a beautiful course in heaven with velvet smooth greens and lush fairways. The bad news is you have a tee time for tomorrow evening."
"The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs."
Golf Stuff That Isn't A Joke!
Two Five Iron Jokes
Five iron Frenzy
A keen golfer stood trial for killing his wife. After first denying he had anything to do with his wife's death he admitted his guilt.
"How did you kill her," asked the judge.
"With three strokes of a five iron."
"Three strokes?" Queried the judge.
"Yes, on the first two, I lifted my head."Police are called to the scene of a murder to find a man standing in his living room, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks him, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes," the shaken man replies.
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes ... yes, I did," the man stammers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?" asks the policeman.
"I don't know," the man answers.
"Five ... six ... Put me down for a five."