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Golf Jokes

Updated on November 14, 2008

Fore! Great Golf Jokes

Welcome to the Golf Jokes page here at Squidoo. Obviously I'm a golf fan, and every golfer I know enjoys joking around while playing their round of golf and telling stories about how far they hit the ball or the worst golfer they know.

So I present to you some really funny golfing jokes, categorized by topic. We'll cover some of the likely candidates like caddies, excuses, quotes and of course women golfers. We'll also throw in some golfing truisms, I love those. For more golf jokes, visit FunnyandJokes.com and for more jokes in general check our our Joke Lens.

Top 25 Excuses To Go Play Golf

  1. A free round of golf was thrown in for test driving the car.
  2. All the cool kids play golf.
  3. All the executives from my company play this course.
  4. All the pin placements are forward today.
  5. Because I am retired.
  6. Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I'm going golfing.
  7. Drinking beer and golfing is just fun.
  8. Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course.
  9. Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts again.
  10. Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she can't talk constantly.
  11. Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.
  12. I always play well when it rains.
  13. I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.
  14. I bought a double titanium krypton driver with atomic shaft and sand grooved grips. I need to try it out.
  15. I called in sick at work, so there's nothing else to do.
  16. I can expense out it for business purposes.
  17. I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance crew.
  18. I can pass gas out on the course, and no one notices.
  19. I couldn't golf when I was married, so any time is good now.
  20. I do all my praying on the course.
  21. I don't have a logo ball from that course.
  22. I enjoy hitting things.
  23. I enjoy looking through the used golf balls in the pro shop.
  24. I enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass.
  25. Excuse? I don't need no stinking excuse!

Golf Quotes From Famous People

Ben Hogan said...

I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games.Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club don't you?As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.

Bobby Jokes said...

Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course, the space between your ears.

Dave Hill said...

The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing.Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.

Jack Nicklaus said...

Golf is not and has never has been a fair game.I think I fail just a bit less than everyone else.

Short Golf Jokes

Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.

Q: What do you call 1,000 golfers lined up on a pebble beach holding hands?

A: Pebble Beach Golf Links.

Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?

Just in case they had a hole in one.

The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.

You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.

Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?

"A golf course!!"

Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other,

" My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?

Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course?

Because that's how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!

Did you hear about the golfer who got shot yesterday?

Yes, they said it was a hole in Juan.

Did you hear about the golfer who got shot yesterday?

Yes, they said it was a hole in Juan.

The only difference between driving in golf and driving a car is that when you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.

My uncle, who has golfed all his life, has his own definition of the word G.O.L.F.: Getting Old and Living Fine!

Two long time golfers were standing over looking the river. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf?

It's still your turn!

Did you hear about the player who spent so much time in the bunker he got mail addressed to Hitler?

A golfer has one advantage over a fisherman.

He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.

"Your trouble is that you're not addressing the ball correctly."

"Yeah, well I've been polite to the bloody thing for long enough."

Q: What is the difference between a lost golf ball and the G-spot?

A: A man will spend 5 minutes looking for the lost golf ball

The other day I was playing golf and I hit two of my best balls.

I stepped on a rake

Golf Truthisms

Keeping your head down means you'll be looking at a very large divot.

Always concede the fourth putt.

Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball.

Coincidentally the only remaining set of clubs in the professional's shop was made especially for you.

Curing the faults in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional.

Curly, downhill, left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts.

Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.

During the first round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from a road.

Electric trolleys always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse.

If you have a hole-in-one in a competition you are in the last group and the bar is packed when you come in.

If you have difficulty meeting new people, try picking up someone else's golf ball.

If you're out in 39 and home in 45 you're playing wartime golf.

Immediately you put on your waterproofs it stops raining.

In a four-ball game, your partner is right on his game while you aren't or vice versa.

In a match, younger golfers always have your measure.....so do older golfers for that matter.

In a pro-am, you are the last to drive off after your professional and partners have all hit screamers.

In most medal rounds, you start badly then fade away.

Lagging a putt from three feet means you've got the yips.

No successive swings are ever the same except when you hit consecutive shots out of bounds.

Finding the key to a better game means opening a lot of doors.

Foursomes golf means always having to say you're sorry.

Golf is like sex: afterwards you feel you should have scored at little better.

Golf is the only game in which you fail to win 99 per cent of the time.

Greens are hollow-tined and dressed the day before a competition.

Handicaps are designed to keep you in your place.

Hitting an iron off the tee for safety means same direction, less distance.

If a golfer wishes to give you a blow-by-blow account of his round, ask him to start with his final putt on the 18th green.

If a good course is one where you play to your handicap or better and a bad course is one where you struggle to break 100, why are there so many bad courses ?

If the club is burgled, your clubs are never stolen. And if they are, you are underinsured.

If there is one solitary tree located on a hole, your ball will find it with unerring accuracy.

If you are giving strokes in a match it's always too many: if you are receiving them it's never enough.

If you are playing well in a competition, your partner will tell you that if you keep it up you must win. This remark ensures that you finish with a string of double-bogeys.

If you find your ball in the woods, it is unplayable. If a professional finds his ball in woods, not only is it playable but he can hit it onto the green.

Golf Lesson From J.C. Anderson - This might get alittle complicated for newbie golfers, but you pros will understand!

Post Your Own Joke - Leave your own golf jokes in the comments below!

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      anonymous 7 years ago

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      Tony Payne 8 years ago from Southampton, UK

      I would like to invite you to add this lens to the "Laugh Away" group on Squidoo http://www.squidoo.com/groups/laugh_away - it's headed towards being the best humor group on Squidoo. Only the best humor lenses get an invitation.

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      Tony Payne 8 years ago from Southampton, UK

      I have a golf jokes lens as well, they are both different and complement each other well I think. 5***** and I am lensrolling this into my Golf Jokes lens.

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      julieannbrady 8 years ago

      Ah, this is definitely one for the boys -- hubby and his friends who spend most weekends chasing that little white ball around the golf course. ;)